So you're having a good time on your computer and all of a sudden a rash of Instant Messages arrive and completely breaks your train of thought. If this has happened to you, you know how Charles Butler must have felt.
Bummer. Kinda like telemarketers. I hate those bastards! I used to be real polite and say "I'm sorry. I'm not interested." I did that once and hung up and damned if the bastard didn't call back.
Me: Hello
Asshole Telemarketeer (AT): Mr. Wilson, we got cutoff.
Me: No. I told you that I wasn't interested. Goodbye.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Answering machine picks up and answers with my clever message.
AT: So, you sonuvabitch. You're not answering. Well fuck you you bastard!
I'm not making this up. It actually happened.
I have some rules regarding the telephone:
I refuse to allow the telephone to rule my life. Since I don't always answer the phone when I'm home, my friends Wahoo and Jeanella bought me an answering machine one year for Christmas. That way, they could at least leave me messages.
Back to AT's. I have caller id, but I can't read it unless I'm wearing my reading glasses. AT's usually show private line anyway. Like I said, I used to be polite, but I've gotten grouchier as I've gotten older. If I answer the phone and don't hear anything for 3 seconds, I know it's a computer generated call and I hang up. If they call manually and I hear noise in the background, I know its a boiler room and I hang up. But I'm doing it all wrong.
What's the worst thing you can do to a AT? Waste his time. I work with a guy named Dave, and he loves AT's. He tries to keep them on the phone as long as possible. Example:
Dave (as Jeeves the butler): Dave's residence. Jeeves speaking.
AT: Uh, is this the Dave residence?
Jeeves: Yes. This Jeeves, the butler. Whom are you calling please?
AT: Uh, I'd like to speak to Mr. Dave please.
Jeeves: And whom may I say is calling, sir?
AT: This is Asshole with the Annoying Company.
Jeeves: And Mr. Asshole, this would be in regard to what?
According to Dave, this would be about the time the AT would hang up.
Another time he played an old German gentleman and the AT was trying to sell him a condo in Helen Georgia. "Vy vould I like to go to hell, in Georgia". Dave says it drives 'em nuts and he has a great time.
But, I found an even better thing to do to AT's. A friend sent me the following:
Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time. The three little words are "Hold On, Please." Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.
When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.
I love it! How come I can't think of stuff like this?
Somehow, I got on the mailing list of the Democratic National Committee. Don't have the slightest idea how that happened. Well, maybe, it's because I subscribe to the New Republic and they sold 'em my name. Bastards! Anyway, they're always hitting me up for contributions. They always send a return envelope for me to use to send in my contribution. I just seal the empty envelope and mail it back. But, I'm really missing an opportunity. Here's what I should do (Sent to me by a friend):
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment let the companies throw them away.
When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?
Now this is GREAT!! I didn't think of this!!!
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!
Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty
Or anyone who reads this blog. C'mon people. Let's go.
I'm now looking forwards to junk mail.
Just this morning, I sent an add for painting and an add for carpet cleaning to Dissent Magazine.
Hope they like it.
Posted by denny at October 16, 2002 08:37 PM