Now that I've fixed that problem, I'd like to return to all the fun I've been having doing CTF (Crawl to Failure) at TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name). TCIDNN is made up of various organizations. Only MPOOTCIDNN (My Particular Organization Of The Company I Dare Not Name) has to do CTF. I'm sure other organizations have their own competency programs. Some may even be as zany as ours. However, I doubt it.
I'm almost finished with the last part of the third module of CTF. I've seen all the spinning objects, all the interconnected squares and all the fancy wonders of a well crafted multimedia presentation. One of the last things I have to do is go out to the database that it took me a week to access, download, and get authorization to use and find MBUOMPOOTCIDNN (My Business Unit Of My Particular Organization Of The Company I Dare Not Name) in the database. Sure enough there is MBUOMPOOTCIDNN in the list of business units. I double click on the entry which takes me to another entry of the data base.
For there before my wondering eyes are two of the most amazing things I have ever seen in my entire life: The VISION of MBUOMPOOTCIDNN and the MISSION STATEMENT of MBUOMPOOTCIDNN.
And they pay people good money to write these things. Yet another reason we are pricier than our competition.
For the two or three of you who have been following my exploits for the last two months (my sister, my office mate, and my friend Richard) you know some of the programs that TCIDNN has presented to us to make us better worker bees. Mostly, they have been programs that amused us. Sometimes they annoyed us. But, they have always been a total waste of time (and money). For the rest of you who came in late and would like to catch up go read The LFQP
Yet another reason that we are pricier than out competition.
One of the things we learned during the LFQP was that every organization has to have a VISION and a MISSION STATEMENT.
Let me interject a little background on the last seventeen years of my career. I have been in the same building for the last seventeen years. I have had two different jobs in that time frame. Counting promotions, my job title has changed seven times. Due to reorganizations (one of the core businesses of TCIDNN..When in doubt, reorganize) MBUOMPOOTCIDNN has changed its name six times. I quit getting business cards made 'cause the stuff on them would change every other year. Here's a three by five card with my name and number. Put it in your address book.
So, every time MBUOMPOOTCIDNN changes its name, it needs to have a new VISION and a new MISSION STATEMENT. (They pay people to make these things up. Another reason we are pricier than out competition) Three name changes ago we had framed posters of our VISION scattered throughout the building. (Which of course we had to pay someone to make. Yet another reason we are pricier than our competition) I always got a kick out of them because you could only read them if you were less that three feet away. I never failed to call attention to my fellow workers that we obviously had a very short range VISION.
I tried to satirize corporate buzzword speak a few blogs ago with the following phrase 'use synergy to work smarter not harder and make sure you think outside the box and be ready to make a paradigm shift.' I was pretty proud of myself. Oh man, have I ever met my match. Here is the VISION of MBUOMPOOTCIDNN (with a few identifying words left out to protect umm..someone I guess. To some people, like, uh, managers, this probably makes perfect sense):
We are harvesting and producing Intellectual Capital assets that are
used by our xxxxxxxxxxxxx practitioners to sell and close xxxxxxxx
engagements, and help them design and deliver the best of breed work
that satisfies our clients and creates long term profitable business
relationships for TCIDNN.
Man, this is a slam dunk for buzzword bingo. Let's count 'em:
Now you tell me. Is this not a work of art? Who could ever top this? I'll tell ya who. The person (or committee) who wrote the MISSION STATEMENT. So without further ado, (trumpet fanfare please) here is the MISSION STATEMENT of MBUOMPOOTCIDNN:
We exist as a global network to harvest and create, value, structure,
publish, disseminate the best of breed intellectual capital assets related
to the xxxxxxxx business to foster strong communities and provide an
infrastructure and management process that address the needs of the
communities to create, share and reuse Intellectual Capital for the
xxxxxxxxxxx TCIDNN Organizations.
Let's face it, with a Mission Statement like that wouldn't you expect to pay us more money than our competition?
I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! I am blinded by the brilliance and craftmanship! Buzzword count:
Totals:
The Winnah!!!! By a knockout!!! MISSION STATEMENT by four buzzwords.
Now I was really curious to see if there were any other business units of MPOOTCIDNN (you really need to write these abbreviations down. There will be a test later) had a VISION or a MISSION STATEMENT that could match MBUOMPOOTCIDNN's. So I started clicking on other business units of MPOOTCIDNN. I was horrified! I was shocked!! Shocked, I say!!! Some of the business units of MPOOTCIDNN didn't....even....have....a (are you ready for this?) VISION or a MISSION STATEMENT!!! How do they ever expect to win in the market place?
So all you people who work for other business units of MPOOTCIDNN here is an open challenge, any time, anyplace: Buzzword Bingo. MBUOMPOOTCIDNN's VISION and MISSION STATEMENT against yours.
I'll kick your ass!
Bingo!!!!
Posted by denny at June 19, 2002 03:56 PM