When technology companies experience a downturn you can almost always count on two things:
And everytime they introduce the New Quality Program (NFQP), they always say this is not AFQP. Of course, when they say that, they are admitting that the Last Quality Program (LFQP) was bogus. Understand? Well, since TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name) is still slow on the rebound we have had layoffs with more to come and, guess what? AFQP. But, I don't want to write about that. I want to write about the LFQP.
The LFQP occurred about ten years ago. This was the age of paradigm shifts, empowerment, six sigma, and the Malcom Baldridge Award. Motorola, who created six sigma (six defects per one million), was the model. Anyone notice how Motorola is doing today? Attention clueless executives! You can have all the quality in the world, but you're going nowhere if no one wants to buy your products!
The LFQP was predicated on knowing your customer. (duh!) Knowing what your customer wanted. (double duh!) And being able to react to changing markets (triple duh!) We should not need a FQP for this. This should be standard business procedure and it should start from the CEO and work its way down. Just as a turd at the top becomes a mountain of bullshit by the time it hits the peons, good business practices should work the same way. It should not take a FQP to accomplish that! Tom Peters, call your office.
So all of the employees had to go to what I call Green Hat School. See, there were six different colored hats at the school. Each color represented something different. Green was creativity, red was anger, and, my favorite, black, was negativity. There was also yellow, blue, and another color I cannot remember. It was all bullshit anyway. Let me tell you something about these types of classes. When you walk into a room, the tables are in a horseshoe shape, up at the front are Ken and Barbie, and they refer to themselves as facilitators, trust me, it is gonna be a long day (or two, or three).
So let's talk about the fun I had in Green Hat School. First, Ken and Barbie introduced themselves and welcomed us to the class. They then gave the class big pieces to a big ol' jogsaw puzzle that was so large it would need to be assembled on the floor. The class dutifully assembled it. I was not able to help. I'm a cripple ya know. After successfully assembling the puzzle, which consisted of the initials of TCIDNN, the class looked to Ken and Barbie for approval. It was not forthcoming. 'We did not want you to assemble the puzzle', said Ken, 'We wanted you to put the pieces into three equal piles'. The moral: Ask your customer what he wants. Damn! How could we miss that? Are we stupid or what? We've only been here an hour and we've learned something already. What a class!
Next we had some sort of lecture and the Paradigm Video. You've never seen the Paradigm Video? You had to. I've seen it at least three times myself. It tells you about stuff like the Swiss who invented the digital watch but gave the secret to the Japanese because no one would want cheap digital watches. Uh oh. The Swiss needed to make a paradigm shift. Other examples abounded, but who cares, no one ever talks about paradigm shifts anymore. Now we think outside the box. Everytime I try to think outside that damn box, they just put me in a bigger box.
Now it was time for more fun: the magic carpet walk. There was a carpet that was put on the floor. It consisted of a checkerboard pattern that was 4 or 5 squares wide by 10 or 12 squares long. The dimensions were not really important. There were sensors under the carpet. When stepped on they beeped. The trick was for everyone to be able to walk from one end of the carpet to the other without beeping. Everytime someone stepped on a beeping square someone else had to start over. By trial and error, the team should be able to find out which squares beeped and avoid them. Oh, and one more thing, no talking.
I had a good view of the fun from where I was sitting. I was unable to participate. I'm a cripple ya know.
So I got to see a bunch of people pointing at squares so the current magic carpet walker knew where to step. Eventually, the team broke the code and figured out the correct sequence of squares to get from one end of the carpet to the other. By golly, I bet this is an exercise in teamwork. Nope. I'm wrong. After about half the class (minus me, I'm a cripple ya know) had negotiated their way across the magic carpet, the damn carpet started beeping again, No fair! Ken and Barbie had changed the sequence. I get it. This is an exercise in reacting to changing markets, What a neat exercise! Believe me. I'm not making any of this up.
Some more lecture. Can't remember a bit of it. No more fun exercises for me to watch. Time to go home for the day.
Day 2 started off with something involving building blocks on tables. At last! Something I can do. Don't remember what we were supposed to do. Can't remember what we were supposed to learn either. Somewhere during day 2 Ken and Barbie promised a Cross pen and pencil set to whoever did something first. The winner got a cheap pen and pencil crossed and secured with a rubber band. Ha Ha! Good joke Barbie! (I just read something on the internet today about a Hooters waitress who won a beer serving contest and the award was a new Toyota. Ha Ha Just kidding. It was a Toy Yoda doll. Pretty funny. huh? She sued. She's getting a new Toyota. Hey Barbie, you owe someone a Cross pen and pencil set. I was gonna provide the link, but when I went looking for it Netscape died and when I tried to bring up Internet Explorer it got an 'illegal operation' and shut down. How the #### can IE get an Illegal Operation with Windows? It's part of the freakin' code. Reboot. Anyway, back to Green Hat School)
Day 2 almost over. Just one more exercise. It involved standing blindfolded doing something with a rope. Tying knots. Untying knots. Hell, I had a good view of the action as I was unable to participate. I'm a cripple ya know. I should remember what they were doing and what it was supposed to teach us, but I'm drawing a blank.
So in two days of an exciting class here's the summary. Out of the four exercises I was able to participate in one. They did give us all a green hat so the two days were not a total waste. I cornered Ken and Barbie after the class and told them that education should train by example. In other words, they should know their customers and be able to react to changing markets. I asked them what they would have done on the first day if they had walked in and everyone was in a wheelchair. Your market has changed, react to it. No answer. Blank stares.
There was no way this shit could happen today. Remember, back then, we only had Affirmative Action and Equal Opportunity. This was before the magic of Diversity. If this happened now I could contact the Ken and Barbie from the Diversity Awareness Class and sic 'em on the Ken and Barbie of Green Hat School. OK, you four pukes who have wasted a total of three days of my valuable time, I want you to duke it out, in a cage match at Wrestlemania. Calling the WWF.
But we're not done with the LFQP. Back where I actually work, we had to form four committees:
These committees actually served a purpose. We had a Mission Statement that was plastered very conspicuously all over the building where I worked. We had a Vision Statement made into a poster that was framed and placed all over the building. But, and this is for real, the way they printed it it could only be read if you were within four feet of it. Obviously indicative of a very short sighted Vision. Talk about having troubles with the Vision thing.
Now I, and many of my coworkers, who had real work to do, weren't able to become members of these committees, but we were kept up to date with notes telling us who the members were and the progress of each of these committees. When the next round of layoffs occurred we discovered the real function of these committees. Most of the people who had time for these meetings found themselves laid off. I'm sure there's a moral here somewhere.
Anyway, TCIDNN, is fixin' to have another round of layoffs and we're supposed to start training on the NFQP. I think I'll wait until the last minute on that NFQP thing. Maybe they think that anyone who has time to work on the NFQP has too much time on their hands.
In the meantime, I'm sitting at my desk, blindfolded, tying knots in a rope. I'd like to do this while standing but I can't.
I'm a cripple ya know.
Posted by denny at May 13, 2002 08:25 PM