From: Barbra Streisand
To: Congressman Duke Gapeheart
Congressman Gaphurt, I hope you don't mind if I call you Dirk. Well, Dike, I heard you were running for president and I wanted to offer you my support and some helpful advice.
First, Deke, when you become president, I hope you will do something to repair the damage those nasty Republicans, and that dumbass George Bush, who stole the election, have done to the environment. As you know, I give lots of money to environmental causes which makes me an expert on the environment. What we need to do is sign on to the Kyoto accords. I know that's what Al What's-his-name, you know, the guy who really won the election, would have done. And we need to shut down all the nuclear power plants and all the polluting coal fired plants. We could use solar power and wind power. And what about moon power? Why hasn't anyone thought about that? It shines just like the sun, right? I have all sorts of other energy saving ideas that we can talk about when you let me sleep in the White House.
Next, Dake, we need to understand why the world doesn't like us. We have become a big bad bully and no one likes a bully. I have a lot of friends in Hollywood who are experts on foreign affairs like Ed Asner, Rob Reiner, Mike Farrell, and Sean Penn and they tell me we need to give peace a chance. They tell me that Bush made a big mistake in withdrawing from the ABM treaty. Also they say we're being mean to Saddam Hussein and the Arabs, who only want to be our friends. We need to disarm and then everyone would like us. I was wrong with that Seesar thing about the drums of war stuff, but don't you think Bush is taking this patriotism stuff a little too far?
Dick, we need to raise taxes on the rich. I know that I pay my fair share because my tax accountant tells me I do. We need to make sure those evil Republicans and their evil supporters pay their fair share.
Duck, I realize you will have a lot of things going against you. The Republicans have that far right Fox News Channel and Rush Limbaugh on talk radio. And the regular networks like NBC, CBS, ABC, and CNN all lean to the right. What we need is a liberal network, so we can get our message across to the people. And we need a liberal on talk radio.
Well, Dork, I have lots more ideas and I will send them off to you in a later fax.
Gotta run. I need to make sure my maid has put fresh rose petals in my toilet.
Luv ya,
Babs