Geraldo: Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera, live from Baghdad and I am speaking to three human shields from America, more specifically, from Berkeley California. They are Professor Dumfuque, and two of his students Buffy and Jennifer.
Prof D: Hello Geraldo
Buffy: Hey Geraldo
Jennifer: Hey Geraldo, I just like love you. I just like love watching you on television. You're like awesome?
Geraldo: Thanks, Jennifer. Professor Dumfuque, let's start with you. What made you decide to be a human shield?
Prof. D: Well, Geraldo, being a human shield runs in my family. My great, great grandfather was a human shield at Custer's last stand. His scalp is in a museum near the site. My great grandfather was a human shield in WWI. I still have the gas mask he used. My grandfather was a human shield at Dresden when the imperialists from the United States firebombed it. We tried to find his ashes to no avail. My father went to North Viet Nam with Jane Fonda and he stayed on as a human shield after she left. Alas, we never found his remains.
Geraldo: So being a human shield runs in your family?
Prof D: Yes. Every generation, there is a Dumfuque willing to risk his life to become a human shield.
Geraldo: It appears your family hasn't had much luck since every generation a Dumfuque dies as a human shield.
Prof D: That's right, Geraldo, but we believe in peace and are willing to sacrifice ourselves for that.
Geraldo: Jennifer, how about you? What made you decide to become a human shield?
Jennifer: Well, Geraldo, Buffy and I were talking and she was like "Jennifer. We have to do something to make the world a better place." And I was like, "Buffy, why don't we save the whales." And she was like, "Everybody's saving the whales , we should try something different." And I was like, "Why don't we go to Iraq with Professor Dumfuque?" And she was like, "That's an awesome idea. I'm sure our parents would give us money for that."
So, Geraldo, here we are.
Buffy: And it is like, so awesome?
Geraldo: I see some British human shields left today because it was too dangerous. (link courtesy of Little Green Footballs) What do you have to say about that?
Prof D: Well Geraldo, obviously they were not committed to the cause of peace.
Geraldo: Buffy, how have you been getting along with the Iraqi people?
Buffy: Well, Geraldo, they are like we should be human shields at military installations, and I'm like, I'm so against war and I should be at a mosque or a hospital and they're like they need me at gun sites and I'm like I'm not really sure if that's the right thing so I listen to Professor Dumfuque.
Prof D: That's right Buffy. So, you, Jennifer, and I will go where the Iraqis think we will do the most good. As long as we're here, our selected, not elected president wouldn't dare bomb us. After all we're Amereican citizens. This way we can let the inspections work.
Jennifer: Awesome!
Buffy: Awesome!
Geraldo: Do you have anything to say to the people back in America?
Prof D: Hi Honey, I love you!
Buffy: Hey Jason. This is awesome. Wish you were here with me.
Jennifer: Hey Matthew. I love you!
Geraldo: So there you have it. An interview with three human shields.
This is Geraldo Rivera, bravely reporting from Baghdad. Back to you E. D.
Geraldo: Are we off? Jesus! Those had to be some of the dumbest people I've ever interviewed. Now let's get the fuck out of here before the bombs start falling. I sure as fuck don't want to get shot at like I did in Afghanstan!
Posted by denny at March 2, 2003 05:21 PM