Sorry, no Fax From Babs tonight. I was originally gonna have Babs fax MSNBC and complain about 'Paul Donahue' being cancelled, and I went out to her website to get some more fodder for the fax. I got so mad about her 'My Right to Dissent Post', I was gonna fisk it, but then, I watched Bush's press conference and I decided to put it in plain language that everyone could understand.
Caution! Adult language follows. Brian, quit reading now!
Long time readers may remember that I put out a plain language translation of Bush's speech to the United Nations last year before they passed UN Resolution 1441. For those who came in late I will reproduce it now.
Good day assholes.
Since I need an applause line, here's some money for UNICEF. I know you're gonna waste it, but I figgered if we gave you some money you'd think we really gave a shit about this worthless organization.
Since 1991 you assholes have passed numerous resolutions in regards to Iraq. I'll list 'em for ya but it ain't gonna do much good. It will just make y'all look stupid. Since Saddam Hussein has the same opinion of you dickheads as I do he has told you to go fuck yourselves and given you the finger.
We know he has chemical and biological weapons and is close to developing a nuke.
Here's your big chance to prove you're not just nattering nabobs of nothingness (borrowed part of the phrase from Spiro Agnew) and to actually prove that this organization is relevant.
Since I think you're just gonna talk a lot and say let's negotiate with Saddam, I'm going through the motions of actually pretending y'all might do sumpin'. That way I can tell the American people I tried to get the United Nations to actually do sumpin' but they're just worthless bogger eatin' moh-rons so fuck 'em, we're taking out Iraq anyway.
Thank you and blow me.
So now we have the press conference. First I will summarize the President's remarks then I will translate the questions and the answers. These are the actual questions in plain language.
President: Good evening. Saddam Hussein was told to disarm. The United Nations Security Council passed UN Resolution 1441, unanimously that told him to disarm. He hasn't. If the UN won't enforce that resolution we will. Any questions?
Q: Mr. President. Don't we need to work through the United Nations to resolve this problem?
A: Nope! We gave them a chance. They are letting Saddam give them the finger and telling 'em to fuck off.
Q: What about North Korea?
A: What about North Korea? How come you assholes don't want us to take unilateral action against Iraq, but want us to take unilateral action against Korea? I think Japan, China, and South Korea should be more concerned about North Korea than we should. We'll get to them after Iraq.
Q: We've been sharing intelligence with our allies. How come they don't see the same things you do.
A: Because they're dickheads. The English speaking countries, England, Australia, and New Zealand are with us. Canada probably is too with the exception of the Frogs in Quebec. The French and Germans have too many deals with Iraq. Plus they're jealous. Fuck 'em.
Q: What are you waiting for and why does the world think we're bad?
A: We respect the right to dissent. We went to the UN and got Resolution 1441 passed. Unfortunately, the UN does not have the balls to enforce it. We do. As for the rest of the world, they're jealous because we are the most powerful, properous, and free nation the world has ever seen.
Q: Is this personal like Ted Kennedy said?
A: Tell that bloated bastard to go for a ride next to a river.
Q: What went wrong that so many people and governments are against us?
A: Who knows? All I know is I'm protecting the American people and enforcing UN Resolution 1441.
Q: Will the war be a success if we don't capture Saddam Hussein dead or alive.
A: The war will be a success if there is a regime change. Haven't you been listening?
Q: Why do we have to attack him if he hasn't attacked us?
A: Are you nuts?
Q: Will you still attack if the vote goes against you next week in the UN?
A: Hell yes! That will be a win/win situation. We attack and it shows that the UN is nothing more than the League of Nations. We can kick 'em out of New York and not give 'em anymore money. It doesn't get much better than that!
Q: Are you worried about the UN?
A: Why? Fuck 'em! If they won't even enforce their own resolutions, they will have declared themselves irrelevant.
Q: Isn't Turkey fucking with us?
A: Yep! But they have just screwed themselves out of a lot of cash, the Northern Iraq oilfields, and help with the Kurdish problem.
Q: How does your religious faith guide you?
A: I pray for wisdom guidance and strength, and I will pray for our troops.
Q: What about the chance that this will produce more terrorism?
A: We were minding our own business when we were attacked not once, not twice, but many times culminating with 9/11. So doing nothing didn't protect us from terrorism. We need to show the world that if you fuck with us, we will hunt you down and we will kill you. The pussy who used to be president was all talk and no action. They thought the entire nation was like that worthless bastard.
Q: Will you give the inspectors and journalists in Iraq warning?
A: Yep! Make your travel reservations now.
Q: Why not tell the people how much it will cost?
A: We don't know. We'll go to Congress and ask for the money. A better queestion would be, how much is the security of this country worth?
Q: Back to North Korea.
A: Why? We brought that up with the Security Council, but they'll fuck it up as bad as they have with Iraq. Let the fuckers starve.
Q: Compare this with Viet Nam.
A: No comparison. Viet Nam was a clusterfuck. We had no goal other than not to lose. In Iraq we have a goal: regime change.
Q: What about the British resolution setting a deadline?
A: What about it. We have been giving this fucker last chances since 1991. This is it. It's his choice not ours. And as for the United Nations, it's their choice as to whether they want to be a player. They can step up to the plate or give up and become the League of Nations. Their choice, not ours.
Good night. I'm outta here.
Posted by denny at March 6, 2003 10:16 PM