Ring. Ring.
Mikey: Hello
Babs: Hello, is this Mickey Moore?
Mikey: Michael.
Babs: Mickey Michaels?
Mikey: No! Michael Moore!
Babs: Yeah. That's what I meant. Didn't you make a movie called Robert and Me?
Mikey: Roger.
Babs: Robert and Roger?
Mikey: No, Roger and Me.
Babs: Was Roger, like, a friend of yours?
Mikey: No, Roger was Roger Smith, the CEO of General Motors. The movie was about General Motors closing down a plant in Flint Michigan and putting a lot of people out of work.
Babs: So how come you didn't call it General Motors and Flint?
Mikey: Who is this?
Babs: I'm Barbra Streisand. I've made a few movies myself. I've even directed a few. My husband Jim gave me a copy of your book, Stupid Fat Man.
Mikey: White.
Babs: Stupid, Fat, White Man?
Mikey: No! Stupid White Man, I mean Stupid White Men.
Babs: But your picture is right on the front of the book and you're white and you're fat. I thought the book was an autobiography.
Mikey: No! The book is about all the stupid white men who have been running this country.
Babs: You don't have to yell. I'm not stupid you know. I have my own web site. Didn't you just make another movie?
Mikey: Yes. Bowling for Columbine.
Babs: Bowling for Columbia?
Mikey: No! Columbine. It was about the killings at Columbine High School.
Babs: But I thought they used guns. What does bowling have to do with it? Did they throw bowling balls at them?
Mikey: Look. we're getting nowhere here. Why did you call me?
Babs: I wanted to talk about the upcoming war on a rock. I know Bush is not too bright, but how dumb does he think the American people are if he thinks we can wage war on a rock? I mean how do you wage war on a rock? What's next? Waging war on a pebble? Waging war on a grain of sand?
Mikey: We're going to wage an unlawful and unprovoked war on a country called Iraq. We are violating international law, and the entire world is going to hate us. And no one in this country wants this war. And Bush was selected, not elected. And Saddam Hussein is more popular than Bush. And the Pope says this war is a sin. And even the Dixie Chicks think this war is wrong and since they're from Texas they're ignorant redneck broads and probably voted for Bush but now they're against him. What is wrong with this country? We should be more like our good friends, the French.
Babs: That's funny. They named a country after a rock?
Mikey: No you incredibly stupid bitch! The country is Iraq. It is spelled Eye Are Ay Que. Iraq! You have to be one of the dumbest people I have ever talked to.
Babs: Listen Mickey, you stupid, fat, white man. I am Barbra Streisand and I'm an international star. I've slept in the Albert Lincoln bedroom in the White House. I might have to call the real President of the United States and tell him you insulted me.
Mikey: That's Michael, you bitch! And go ahead!
Click.
Babs: I'll show him.
Ring. Ring.
Martin Sheen: Hello.
Babs: Hello. President Bartlett?
Click.
Babs: Hello? Hello?
Posted by denny at March 17, 2003 07:38 PM