One of the easiest things for me to write is a fax from Babs. The only thing easier is a Molly Ivins' fisk since they write themselves. The nice thing about the Babs' faxes is I don't have to worry about spelling, typos, grammar, or logic. In fact, if I have a little buzz on it's even better because that allows me to more effectively emulate Babs' thought processes. So, without further ado, here is another fax from Babs. And Rachel, this one's for you.
To: Mary Capture, A Member of the Home of Congressional Persons
From: Barbra Stresand
Dear Maggie,
I'm outraged at how you and that cute Pammie Murphy, the Senator from Oregon have been treated by those evil, mean spirited Republicans. Senator Murphy said that Osama been Latent was revered throughout the Muslim world for building day care centers. That sure is more than our government has done. If we could only elect Helen Clinton as president I know that she would create government day care centers.
And Meg, I heard that you compared Osamba to our founding fathers and took a lot of heat for that. Darn it! If we could only get a liberal radio network and a liberal television network, we could conteract all this venom spewed by Rush Limburger and all those other right wing lunatics.
I do think your colleague Jack Moron (I bet he had a rough childhood with a name like Moron) went a little too far. He said the Jews were running this war. Well, I know that's false. I'm a Jew and I have nothing to do with this war. No one has called me; not even my friends Tim Dashole, Dork Gotfart and Jim Looberman.
And while I'm on the subject of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, what about all those crazy people on the internet? I'm speaking of that annoying person, Rachel Lucas, who says all those bad things about me, George Looney, and Mickey Moore. You know Mickey don't you? He wrote that autobiography called Supid, Fat, White Man. Mickey and George are both incredibly rude. They both hung up on me. They are both very smart, though, especially Mickey. He told me on our phone call that we're going to wage an unlawful and unprovoked war on a country called Iraq. We are violating international law, and the entire world is going to hate us. And no one in this country wants this war. And Bush was selected, not elected. And Saddam Hussein is more popular than Bush. And the Pope says this war is a sin. And even the Dixie Chicks think this war is wrong and since they're from Texas they're ignorant redneck broads and probably voted for Bush but now they're against him. What is wrong with this country? We should be more like our good friends, the French. I couldn't agree more.
And speaking of the Ditzie Chicks, that brings up what that horrible Rachel Lucas did to Carol Crow. She made fun of something on her internet site.
She didn't like that Chelsea used the word pathos. I wondered about that myself. Wasn't Pathos one of the three musketeers? And there was also Aramis. He was named after the perfume. And Atlas and Dart Canyon. Wait a minute! That was four. Why are they the three musketeers when there were four of them?
Oh well, back to the war. What does Oldsam have to do with Sodomy Hussein? I think the real reason we're fighting this war is to destroy everything in Arock so Bush can give contracts to his buddies in the construction business. It's not all about oil after all.
Anyway, Marti, I am behind you 100% and I respect your right to freedom of speech. You'll have to come see me the next time you're in California.
Gotta go. I have to go pick out the gown I'm going to wear to the Oscars.
Luv ya,
Babs