There was a Tom Friedman column in Sunday's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation that just cracked me up. It starts off
If we ever run out of room to store our gold in Fort Knox, I know just the place to put it: the new U.S. Consulate in Istanbul. It looks just like Fort Knox --- without the charm.
What's your point, Tom?
The U.S. Consulate used to be in the heart of the city, where it was easy for Turks to pop in for a visa or to use the library.
Or, perchance to blow up. This wouldn't have to be a Turk. It could just be a Muslim. Exploding seems to be part of their religion.
For security reasons, though, it was recently moved 45 minutes away to the outskirts of Istanbul, on a bluff overlooking the Bosporus --
Probably right by the bridge over the Bosphorus. I've been to Istanbul. It is a fantastic view on the bluffs overlooking the Bosphorous.
- surrounded by a tall wall. The new consulate looks like a maximum security prison. All that's missing is a moat with alligators and a sign that says: ''Attention! You are now approaching a U.S. Consulate. Any sudden movement and you will be shot. All visitors welcome.''
Except those with bomb belts.
But here's the stone cold truth: A lot of U.S. diplomats are probably alive today because they moved into this fortress. One of the captured terrorists involved in the Nov. 20 attack on the British Consulate in Istanbul --- which was just a short walk from the old U.S. Consulate --- reportedly told Turkish police that his group was interested in blowing up the new U.S. Consulate, but when they cased the place, they found it was so secure ''they don't let birds fly'' there.
Holy shit! Someone in the State Department actually has some brains!
This is where we've come to after two decades of anti-U.S. terrorism and 9/11: The cops are now in charge --- not the diplomats.
That's because the diplomats usually fuck up.
As one U.S. diplomat in Europe put it to me, ''The upside is that we are more secure.
And the downside is ... ?
The downside is you lose the human contact and it makes it way harder to have interactions with people who are not part of the elite. It makes my job less fun. Some days you might as well be in Cleveland, looking at the world through a bulletproof plate glass window.''
Yeah. It's lots of fun watching people explode. This guy sounds like an idiot. I guess he would have enjoyed the interactions he could have had with the Iranian "students" when they took over our embassy in Tehran.
Some of our embassies have such a Crusader castle look,
Nice simile, Tom. Crusader castle in Istanbul. That's gotta make a lot of Muslims happy.
they're actually becoming tourist sites. Fuat Ozbekli, a Turkish industrialist, told me: ''I was just on a tour to Amman [Syria] and we stopped our tourist van in front of the U.S. Embassy there. We asked the guide why they need all these tanks around it, and the guy told us that within this American Embassy, they have everything they need so they can survive without going outside. . . . I felt really sorry for the Americans there.''
Why? Because they're safe? They can leave the embassy any time they want, but while they're there they are probably in the safest spot in Istanbul.
And that brings us to our immigration policies.
It's not just the brick walls that our embassies are now putting up that are increasing American isolation. Beginning next year, to get a visa to the United States, you will have to go to the nearest U.S. Embassy or Consulate and be fingerprinted first. Some European diplomats have already started warning their American counterparts not to expect them in the United States anytime soon --- if they have to submit to fingerprinting.
Boo fucking hoo! We don't give a flying fuck! If you don't want to be fingerprinted to enter the United States stay the fuck home. It won't bother me a bit. And I bet it won't bother the majority of Americans either, except dipshit liberals like Howard Dean, Tom Dasshole, Nancy Pelosi, and Ted Kennedy.
U.S. diplomats understand the security reasons for this. But, they note, it is really awkward to call up a Turkish writer or a Chinese dissident, extend an invitation to come to America on a State Department exchange program, and then say: ''But first you have to come into the embassy and get fingerprinted.
Give me the telephone. I'll tell 'em. It won't bother me a bit.
Give us your tired, your poor and your properly fingerprinted.
Sounds just fine to me.
Serhat Guvenc, a lecturer at Bilgi University in Istanbul, was actually flying to the United States on Sept. 11, 2001, and was diverted to Canada. He's been avoiding the United States since because of all the already intrusive visa requirements. ''All the new measures the United States introduced intimidated me,'' he said. ''In Turkey, unless you are a criminal or a potential criminal, you would never be asked to leave your fingerprints. It is kind of humiliating. It's uncomfortable.''
Then don't come. Simple problem. Simple solution.
Many people would still line up for America if we charged $1,000 per visa and demanded their dental X-rays.
They hate us, but they want to live here.
But others, especially young Europeans, are thinking twice because they don't want the hassle. Better to go to France or Germany. Add to this the shrinking capacity of U.S. diplomats to reach out and, in 20 more years, we could wake up and find that we've gone from America the accessible to America the isolated. The only Americans foreigners will meet will be those wearing U.S. Army uniforms and body armor.
And that would be bad because ... ?
We need to figure out a better system. Because where birds don't fly, ideas don't fly,
Huh? WTF? What do birds have to do with ideas?
friendships don't fly
Friendships fly?
and mutual understanding never takes off.
As opposed to all the mutual understanding we have now.
Listen Tom. If the rest of the world thinks it's an inconvenience to be fingerprinted to come to this country that's just too fucking bad. They can just stay in their own pissant countries. (Jesus, I'm channeling Pat Buchanan.) One 9/11 is enough. It's about time we started getting tough about our porous borders and lax immigration policies. And as for making our embassies look like Crusader castles, one embassy takeover was enough. The rest of the world didn't care when the Iranians violated international law and took our diplomats as hostages, so we're now gonna start taking care of ourselves, thank you.
To the rest of the world: If fingerprinting is a big hassle, fuck off and stay home. We don't care.