Didja miss the State of the Union speech tonight? Never fear. I watched it and I'll summarize it for you.
Bush was announced. He walked in. He shook a lot of hands. He hugged a little black girl. Cute kid.
He got up to the podium. Hastert announced him again. Lots of applause.
He started speaking. He thanked the Armed Forces. Lots of applause.
He mentioned tax relief. Lots of applause from the Republican side. None from the Dimocrats.
He brought up the prescription drugs for geezers. Applause from both sides of the aisle. Congress loves to spend money.
He brought up terrorism. He told the fuckers we're gonna get 'em. Lots of applause. More from Republicans than Dimocrats. They don't really like the War on Terror. It takes money from their plans to turn the United States into a socialist utopia.
He mentioned the Patriot Act. Republicans applauded. Dimocrats sat on their hands. He said it expired next year. Dimocrats applauded. He said he wanted it renewed. Republicans applauded.
He said we're setting up democracy in Afghanistan. Everyone applauded.
He said we freed Iraq. Republicans applauded. Dims didn't.
He said we found Saddam in a hole and now he's in prison. Republicans applauded. Dims did too but grudgingly.
He said Libya caved after Kadaffy saw what we did to Iraq. What was not spoken was, "I am not a pussy like Bill Clinton. Kadaffy saw what we did to Saddam and he didn't want it to happen to him. I don't blow up aspirin factories in the Sudan and goats in Afghanistan. If they fuck with me, I take them out. Iran and Korea better watch out."
The camera shows Ted Kennedy looking down shaking his head. One wonders what his older brother Jack would think of this bloated alcoholic asshole.
The camera shows Hitlary and she is scowling and looking like shit.
Bush cites many of the countries who have participated in our "unilateral" action in Iraq, including Great Britain, Australia, Poland, Italy, Spain, and seventeen other countries.
Education bullshit. Social promotion sucks!
More on taxes. Keep the tax cuts! Republicans applaud. Dimocrats don't. At this point, Britt Hume remarks that the Dimocrats seem to be pissed.
Modernize energy plants.
Social security accounts. Dimocrats pissed.
Immigration bullshit.
Health care bullshit:
1. Prescription drugs for geezers. Bad. At least until I turn 65.
2. Health savings accounts.
(Camera shows Kennedy is pissed.)
3. Eliminate frivilous lawsuits. Dimocrats are pissed since they are supported by trial lawyers.
4. Allow people to buy their own medical insurance and take the premiums off their taxes. Dimocrats really pissed because that would be an impediment to socialized medicine.
War on Drugs bullshit:
1. Drug testing in schools.
2. Eliminate steroids in pro sports.
Promote sexual abstinence in schools. Yeah. Like that's gonna work.
Defense of marriage.
Fund faith based charities.
Set up training programs for prisoners so they can get jobs when they get out of the joint.
"God bless America!" Everyone applauds. Bush leaves room shaking hands. Talking heads on TV start analyzing speech.
And, unlike Howard Dean, Bush did not take off his coat, roll up his sleeves, and start ranting and raving like a loon.
And there you have it: The State of the Union for 2004.