The Chappaqua Hillbillies

I haven't picked on the Clintons for a while, so for my Saturday rerun, here is a piece I wrote back when television executives were gonna go look in the Ozark or Appalachian Mountains to find some real hillbillies for a reality show. My suggestion was to look no further than Chappaqua New York.

At the end of this post, I started to write a song, but I wasn't inspired enough to finish it. However, loyal reader Greg did finish the song and you will find it at the end of this post.

The Chappaqua Hillbillies

I was reading the paper the other day and I saw that with the success of the Osbournes (the jury is still out on the Anna Nicole Smith show, but I say, just shoot her and be done with it) those imaginative TV executives are thinking about bringing back the Beverly Hillbillies as a reality show. Didja notice that the only people you can make fun of nowadays are hoosiers? Hoosiers? What? People from Indiana? No, white trash. If Chris Johnson happens to read this he'll know what I'm talking about. For some reason, in St. Louis and its surrounding suburbs, they call white trash hoosiers. I grew up in Webster Groves, a suburb of St. Louis, and I still talk like I'm from there. So, every now and then I'll make some remark about hoosiers and my friend Cindy will say 'What the heck are you talking about?' Down here in Georgia we call white trash crackers or rednecks. Ya might be a redneck if ...

So how come white trash hasn't been up in arms about people making fun of them? There should be protest marches. They need a white Jesse Jackson or a white Al Sharpton. Dammit, if y'all don't quit makin' fun of us we're gonna boycott the 711 and the Quicktrip. We're gonna quit buyin' lottery tickets. That will show you uppity white folks what we think of you. And anyway, I'm not white trash. I got me a doublewide. The trashy folks got them single wide mobile homes. Now leave me alone. I'm goin' back to the trailer and watch me some Jerry Springer.

So the brilliant idea for the Beverly Hillbillies is to scour the backwoods of Arkansas (Lot's of white trash from that state. I can think of a few.), and other poor states and try to find some dumb goobers and put them in a big house in Beverly Hills and film them like the Osbournes and Anna Nicole Smith. Look no further than Chappaqua, New York. We can have a series that combines the Beverly Hillbillies and the Osbournes. Not only was Bill Clinton our first black president and our first female president, he was also our first goober president.

Can't you just see it. There's old bumbling Bill, trying to boff anything in skirts, always wearing that stupid grin on his face, and Hillary trying to keep some type of order like Sharon Osbourne. And we have the dysfunctional child, Chelsea, who, according to the British papers has to be carried out of pubs dead drunk. Think about it. If Bill and Hillary Clinton were your parents wouldn't you have a drinking problem?

And Bill has a goober brother Roger. Can't ya just see the two of 'em out in a pickup cruisin' for babes? One thing I've never understood about Bill. He was the most powerful man in the world and he couldn't do any better than a chubby airhead intern? And Paula Jones back when he was governor. He thought she was attractive? We used to say about guys like him that he'd do it with a snake if someone would hold the mouth open. So I can see Bill and Roger scoring bigtime at the honkeytonk. Man, wouldn't he impress a couple of closin' time queens with the big house at Chappaqua?

And he has to have a wacky sidekick. Howza 'bout crazy James, the ragin' cajun, Carville? See the three of 'em down at the creek giggin' for crawdads? The possibilties are endless. We can see James runnin' through a trailer park with a twenty dollar bill.

Bill: 'What's ya doin' James? Yuk. Yuk.'

James: 'I'm tryin' to get ya laid ya stoopid goober.'

Roger: 'He sure ain't gettin' any from Hillary. That bitch is cold. Yuk. Yuk.'

Bill: 'Roger, you goober, how dare you talk about Hillary that way. But you're right that bitch is cold. Haven't had any since Chelsea was born. Hurry up James! Yuk. Yuk.'

There has to be diversity so we could show golf outings with his good buddy Vernon Jordan. I'd love to hear those conversations.

Vernon: 'Holy Mackeral Bill! I coulda gotcha sumpin' better that that stupid bitch, Monica.'

Bill: 'You don't understand Vernon. She snapped her thong at me. She was a female. After seeing Hillary naked anything looks good. I'm a hound. She was a bitch. Yuk. Yuk.'

Do you remember early in the Goober Clinton presidency he gave a speech and mentioned he had a pickup with astroturf in the bed? He said he didn't even want to say what that was for. Maybe now we'd find out. Maybe now we wouldn't want to know what it was for, but I'm sure the people enthralled by the Osbournes would be glued to the screen.

And what could be better than seeing the real Hillary? Wouldn't it be a treat to see her throw lamps and ashtrays at Bill? Now, that, I would watch. Hell, I'd pay big bucks to see that. Hey, I smell a pay per view here.

CBS was after Bill for a talk show recently. Bill said he wouldn't have time because he planned on spending too much time doing public service. Yeah, I know which part of the public he'd like to service. I bet that's what he means by public service. But this way, he could just be himself and he'd make millions.

And it's a win/win for Hillary. She'd get lots of money and the more Bill humiliated her, the higher her approval ratings would be with women voters. Being a victim got her elected to the Senate. This would be a slam dunk for the presidency.

Need a song don't we?

Listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill,
A poor ol' goober with a wife name of Hill,

Need some more work on that. Get a songwriter. Get the Dixie Chicks to sing it.

And think how much better the Chappaqua Hillbillies would be in the White House. This idea is worth millions and I'm giving it away for free.

So, you television network executives, if you want any more ideas for a series, just let me know.

I'll be here waiting.

Here's Greg's song. Roll the credits.

Gonna listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill A poor ol' goober with a wife name a' Hill and then one day he was truckin' at some poon when outta the woods came a bumblin' goon "Carville" he said. "James Carville. Follow me" Well the next thing you know, ol' Bill's the President the kinfolk said "Bill, start actin' like a gent " "cause now you could be gettin women by the ton" so he loaded up the truck and they moved to Washington DC that is. Bitin' Lips. Monica. Gettin' BJ's.

Beverly Hillbillies' Breakdown on the banjo. Yi haw!

Posted by denny at February 28, 2004 07:03 PM