To: Max Cleveland
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Marx:
I am outraged! First Sax Champion (And who would name their child after a musical instrument?) impugned your patriotism when he stole your Alabama Senate seat, and now the Republicans are going after Jim Carey, a certified war hero, just like you. How dare they question his patriotism! After all, he has a wooden leg (Here, of course, Babs has mixed him up with Bob Kerrey, former Senator from Nebraska. I'm explaining this for any liberals who might be reading this and won't get the joke - GOC) so he's missing at least one limb. Next thing the Republicans will say is that he doesn't have a leg to stand on, those mean spirited bastards.
I'm sorry, I don't usually use profanity, but those Republicans are really crossing the line. After all, John Carry is a genuine war hero. He killed a whole bunch of gooks Vietnamese civilians, including women and children, and then felt so much remorse he came back and protested against that evil war. Now that's a real hero. No wonder you're going around the country stumping for him.
Did you know that his wife was an African American? I didn't either. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I mean, she could pass for being white. We had our first black president with Bill Clinton (And the only way you could tell that was his kinky hair. Other than that, he looked white.) and now we'll have our first black first lady with his wife, Tonya.
Now we have to find a strong candidate for vice-president. I think you would be a strong candidate since you are a war hero just like him. Did you kill a bunch of Vietnamese civilians too? Jack Keery said everyone did so I guess that includes you. How come you didn't join Vietnam Veterans against the War and throw your medals away? I've got a great campaign slogan: Two guys who gave four limbs for their country. Let's see the Republicans run against that. We have two war heroes against someone who was AWOL from the National Guard.
Another possibility would be Helen Clinton. Did you know that she once tried to join the Marines but they wouldn't take her because her vision was so bad? She would be a strong candidate also. She is braver than Bush or Chainy and is more of a man than either of them. And unlike Bush, she would never lie to the American people.
I'm sorry that that Ann Colter harpie wrote those despicable columns about you. What a bitch. She should be nicer to handicapped disabled handicapable people like you. I'm sorry I don't know what the right word is. It's just like trying to keep up with gay people. They keep changing what you're supposed to call them. At times like these, I'm glad I don't live in San Francisco. It would be very confusing.
I don't have any trouble with my maid Conchita. She's Mexican.
Luv ya,
Babs