I've been going back in the archives and turning comments off on old posts. I've decided to only allow comments on a particular post for a few months. Hopefully this will enable me to do a better job of policing the comment spammers. I'm up to 150 IP's banned and only ten of 'em are trolls. The rest are the annoying comment spammers. Bastards! I came across this entry on management that I thought I would post for my weekend rerun. I wrote this almost two years ago.
Once, many years ago, before the scales fell from my eyes (I can see! I can see!), I wanted to be a manager. One reason was the job I held at that time with TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name), really sucked. So, if I could be a manager, I could tell people what to do and be in a job that sucked less.
Upon further investigation, I realized that being a first line manager really sucked. Not only do you have to take bullshit from customers who suck, you have to take bullshit from your boss who sucks and you have to take bullshit from the people you manage who suck. I mean, if I became a manager, I'd have to manage people like myself.
Now there's something that would really suck! After twenty-nine years the grouchy old cripple really knows how to give bullshit to management. You also have to lie with a straight face. And, every day after work, you need to have someone pull your head out of your ass. Now what kind of a job would that be? So the manager life, which sucks, was not for me.
I need to interject here that the person who shares my office is worried that if TCIDNN management ever reads anything I write about TCIDNN, I'll get my ass fired. Maybe I should change the name to TCTWFMITERMB (The Company That Would Fire Me If They Ever Read My Blogs). Nah. I'm not worried. I told him he is making two erroneous assumptions:
So I don't have any worries on that matter. Anyway, where I work used to be a training ground for first line managers. When I moved here seventeen years ago, there was an assumption made by the manager who hired me that I eventually wanted to be a manager. During my interview, I danced around the subject. 'Yes, I have aspirations to management', I said, ' but I have some things I'm not comfortable with (like being a phony sonuvabitch), but I'm sure you'll teach me that (like abandoning all my principles).'
Eighteen months after taking the job, my manager wanted to start sending me on management interviews. 'Wait a minute', I said, 'I'm supposed to be here two years.' 'We can waive that', he said. 'No we can't', I said, 'I don't want to be a manager!' At that very instant, I went to the top of his shit list.
I remember some of my coworkers who were promoted to managers. They would call or write back and we would ask them how they liked being a manager. The response was always, and, I am not making this up, 'I love my job. I got a great bunch of people working for me.' So, if any of them ever came back to Atlanta, the first thing we looked for was the little string hanging out from their heads. You know, the one on talking dolls that you pull to get them to talk. We always wondered if that was implanted during management school.
The policy at TCIDNN used to be that if someone got promoted to management, he/she would move to a different office. This was a really good idea. The stated reason was so the manager wouldn't have to manage people he/she used to work with. 'Wait a minute, dickhead, you didn't act that way before you were a manager. I'm just doing what you used to do!' But the real reason was so no one would ever realize what was done to managers when they went to TCIDNN Manager School. When the young hero manager returned from TCIDNN Manager School he was a completely different person. I recently deprogrammed a manager whose brainwashing wasn't totally effective and he gave me the rundown on TCIDNN Management School.
The first day is the worst day. The new manager walks up the steps to the entrance of the school. Over the portal is a sign that says Abandon All Scruples Ye Who Enter Here. As soon as he enters, he is immediately knocked out and taken to surgery. There, his spine is removed for obvious reasons. Next, holes are drilled in each cheek. This enables him to simutaneously talk out of both sides of his mouth. Also, for insurance, his tongue is forked. 'Manager speak with forked tongue, Kemo Sabe.' 'You bet your ass, Tonto.'
After recovering from surgery, they have to report to their first class, Buzzwords 101. Here is where they learn to spout bullshit buzzwords for every occasion. "Before every meeting, there must be prereads, and a process put in place to develop an agenda to create synergy, enabling us to focus on our core objectives.'
Huh? What the fuck did he say? I can just imagine the Buzzword Bullshit Facilitator handing out lavish praise for that last statement. 'Now remember EPS's (Empty Polo Shirts...first line managers don't have to wear suits. When a manager makes it to a third line manager, he is promoted to ES..Empty Suit), the sentence should be as long as possible and have as many buzzwords as possible. You must ensure that you never say anything that will allow any of the people who work for you to ever get a straight answer out of you. That way, you can never be held accountable for anything.'
The next class is Pass the Blame 101. Since second and third line managers go to Advanced Pass the Blame (Pass the Blame 201), the first line manager has to be really good to pass the blame upward. Anyway, since shit rolls down hill, it's easier to pass the blame on to one of the actual workers. Some of the techniques: lying (the most effective); turning employees against each other (for this one you need a real suckup who has aspirations to management. The bonus is, you have a chance to turn someone to the dark side); and passing the blame on to another manager (a fantastic ploy as it might lead to a promotion.).
The next class is Suck Up 101. As the name implies, it teaches young managers how to effectively suck up to their superiors. The first rule of sucking up to a superior manager is to remember that managers promote people most like themselves, so the young manager has to observe his manager very carefully and match as many mannerisms as possible. He also has to be very careful that if his boss comes to a sudden stop his head doesn't go so far up his manager's ass that it causes discomfort to both of them. This could be hazardous to one's career.
The very last class is Effective Lying. Here the manager is taught the most effective lying techniques. For example, try to lie to as few people as possible. That way the manager can say, 'I never said that!' or 'It's your word against mine.' The big lie: 'There will be no more layoffs this year.' 'I really care about seeing you advance in your career.' The bold faced lie: 'We really care for you here at TCIDNN. Think of us as family.'
The manager practices these phrases and many others until he/she has the appropriate level of fake sincerity and can keep a straight face with even the most absurd lies.
My deprogrammed manager even remembered some questions that were on the final exam from TCIDNN Management School.
Assuming the young manager passes the exam and all the brainwashing is successful he/she returns to his/her office and is ready to start managing. And he/she must remember the most important principle of management as stated by Mel Brooks in Blazing Saddles:
We gotta protect our phony, baloney jobs, gentlemen!