Saturday Jokes

I'm pissed about sumpin' I read in the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation and I will blog about it tomorrow when I have calmed down a bit. Here are some jokes sent to me by readers.

From z:

media of the day -- the al-Gorzeera network
dance tune of the day -- the algorythym -- a klutz in 2/5 time (moves like a rock).
no-carb energy source of the day -- algore, the sail fuel.
animated feature of the day -- woodgore, from kerrytoon productions (move your head to make it move).
vulture feast of the day -- kerryon en heinzauce au gore.

From Ralph Gizzip:

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of
Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big,
stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really , really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you ....is that "British Hospitality ?"

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the
French Embassy."

Also from Ralph:

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

And finally from Barbara:

COWBOY WISDOM:

Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East who is headed to a training conference in Detroit. (Wonder what he's training for? - GOC)

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim who supports Osama Bin Laden's Jihad, so the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still . . . no plane comes.

Finally, ! the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Yee Hah!

Posted by denny at May 29, 2004 02:50 PM