Sour Grapes (Or 17 Reasons Why Michael Moore Is Full Of Shit)

As you know the left is in real deep denial about the election. They're also crying their eyes out a la Judy Woodruff and Eleanor Clift. Michael Moore was actually silent for three days then Lardass posted something on his site called 17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists. It's his attempt to “always look on the bright side of life!”

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

So? He's still got four more years.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

So? A win is a win. Bush won. You lost. BWAHAHAHAHA!

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.

That's actually bad news Mikey since people tend to get conservative as they age. Maybe you may want to sharpen up that razor. Or maybe you can just keep eating like Mister Creosote. Or better yet, Michael Creosote Moore

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

Note to foreigners: What this really means is that even though there are problems, we don't trust the Dimocrats to address them. They're weak on defense and they're weak on values. It's as simple as that.

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

Ooops! You're now down to 16 Lardass. And if the Dimocrats keep obstructing, a la Little Tommy Daschle, they may just give the Republicans a 60 seat majority. Keep on with your anti-American bullshit. As long as you are associated with the Dimocrats their fortunes will continue to go down the toilet.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!

Let's start with this "birthplace of democracy" bullshit. The writer of the Declaration of Independence and the third president was Thomas Jefferson from Virginia. George Washington, head of the army and the first president, was from Virginia. James Madison, known as the Father of the Constitution and the fourth president, was from Virginia. James Monroe, the fifth president, was from Virginia. John Adams, the second president, and John Quincy Adams, the sixth, president were from Massachusetts.

Out of the first six presidents four were from a red state.

And here's some more bad news Lardass: The population of the red states are growing. People are leaving the declining economies of states run by liberals to go to the red states. I reckon Georgia will pick up at least two more congressional seats in 2010. Texas will probably pick up more seats also. That's bad news for you Mikey boy.

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

Hey Ralp Gizzip! Are you gonna allow Fatso to call you a poisonous nut?

Update: That's Michigan State, not Michigan. Sheesh! You would think someone from Michigan would know the difference.

Final Score:

Buckeyes 32
Spartans 19

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

More bad news Mr. Creosote. Bush's numbers rose in every demographic, even blacks. The country is growing more conservative. Blacks are actually more in tune with Republicans on school vouchers, crime, and moral values. When they quit buying the race baiting of you, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, Cynthia McKinney, and the rest of you assholes, you will see more of them deserting the Dimocrat Party.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.

Ha! Ha! Good one Mikey.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.

Cynthia McKinney is gonna supply me with a lot of good material for the next two years. She's also gonna drive voters away from the Dimocrats. C'mon Mr. Creosote, just one more thin little mint.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

Tom Daschle, Senate Minority Leader was defeated for the Senate. I'll drink to that. I already have. I went to Michael and Cindy's house last night and we drank two bottles of Champagne.

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

Holy shit! Mikey and I agree on sumpin'!

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.

Republicans picked up additional seats in both the federal House and Senate. In Georgia, the Republicans control the Senate and the House, plus we have a Republican governor. Try to put a good face on it Lardass. Thanks to you and the other liberals the Dimocrat Party is slowly becoming a minority party. You have become an irrelevant buffoon as has Barbra Streisand. Babs hasn't posted anything on her site since the election. She's probably packing to leave the country.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

Don't you just wish. He's got a majority in both the House and the Senate. He believes he has a mandate. If the Dimocrats in the Senate decide to filibuster judges they will be painted as obstructionists and the Republicans may pick up more Senate seats. C'mon Mikey. Just one more wafer-thin mint.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.

In your dreams Lardass.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!

Sports analogies by someone who probably never participated in sports. The only reason that the election was so close was that the lamestream media was for Kerry. Look what was thrown at Bush: Abu Ghraib, the Fake But Accurate memos, bad news from Iraq, the "missing 300 tons of explosives" and George Soros and the 527's. All that kerry had to contend with was the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth. Now that the election is over, more stuff is coming out on Kerry that the press covered up. Had the electorate known the real Kerry he would have lost in a landslide. Face it Mikey, the American public just does not like liberals.

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.

The only problem with this Mikey is that Kerry did not run as a liberal. He ran as a centrist who spent four months in Viet Nam. Had he run on his record in the Senate he would have gotten creamed. All the Dimocrats who have run as liberals, George McGovern, Walter Mondale, and Michael Dukakis have lost in landslides. Bill Clinton, who by the way never got the majority of votes (43% in 1992 and 49% in 1996), ran as a moderate in both of his elections. So did Jimmah Carter.

So I really hope that the Dimocrat Party takes your advice and moves even further to the left. Zell Miller was right. The Dimocrat Party is no longer a national party.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

I'm feeling a lot better. As I said, I hope the Dimocrats take your advice.

C'mon. Please! Just one more teeny tiny mint.

Posted by denny at November 7, 2004 06:26 PM