From Catfish. And then Mark sent me the following:
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
1) At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
2) A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
3) When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
4) A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is
finished.
5) A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
6) A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
7) Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
8) Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
9) If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
10) Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
11) First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
12) A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I
pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death
I believe the quote "a woman is not complete..." was originally made by Zha Zha Gabor, about men. Considering her number of marriages, she should know.
I once quoted her in a department email when I announced I'd be off for a day to see a friend get married. When I got back, the CEO hauled me into his office and gave me a verbal warning to cease and desist my sexist remarks. He also told me further remarks would result in written reprimands in my file. Somehow I get the idea rat turd uses this same style of managing.
Oh yes, Zha Zha also remarked about divorce, (a subject on which she was also an expert.)
"All my exes had to admit I was a good housekeeper. Every time I got divorced, I kept the house."
Posted by: Frank on December 10, 2005 01:16 PMOne day a state trooper managed to pull over a guy after an extremely high speed chase.
When he approaced the driver he said, "You'd better have a damned good reason for driving like that!"
The driver repile, "Well officer, a couple of years ago my ran off and left me for a state trooper. I thought you were trying to give her back."
The trooper laughed so hard he let the guy go.
Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on December 10, 2005 05:27 PMA woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
Which is why I'll never get married again.
Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper
I LOVE your little clips and jokes like this; this one just made my day (and the picture is now my desktop LOL)