Two men were hunting in the woods. One was a fanatic who hunted as often as possible. His friend was hunting for the first time. He didn't want to hurt anything. After a couple hours, they saw deer tracks. They soon caught up with the deer. The deer was slow because it had a terrible infection in one eye. The eye was swollen closed. The hunter lifted his gun to shoot the deer. But his friend begged him to stop. "Can't you see ...
... that's a bad eye deer?"
Posted by denny at June 11, 2007 12:00 AMThought by the inflection they were hunting in Taxachussetts...then it dawned on me....nothing deer lives there.....
Posted by: drchappy on June 10, 2007 10:29 PMWatcha got rat cheer is a bad eye deer. :)
Posted by: DanS. on June 10, 2007 11:47 PMthey're getting worse...
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
No eye deer......
what do you call a dinosaur with only one eye?
a dya think he saurus
Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Alan on June 11, 2007 01:10 AMWhat do you call a dog with no legs? .....nothing , he wont come.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? take him for a drag.
Posted by: dudley1 on June 11, 2007 06:52 AMAnd where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a deer no eyes?
No Eye deer?
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still, no eye deer.
Groan ;)
Posted by: Hammer on June 11, 2007 10:13 AMWhy is Helen Kellers leg yellow?...Cause her dog is blind too!
Does a blind man have to wear safety glasses when he works?.....or just his dog!
Jeremy - You left off the last one. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?
Still no fucking eye deer.
Are we gonna start with politically incorrect shit?
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pothole?
Phil.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
Posted by: Denny on June 11, 2007 12:45 PMWhat do call a guy with no arms and no legs on the doorstep?
Matt
What do call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot of boiling water?
Stew
Posted by: CharlieDelta on June 11, 2007 12:52 PMWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs at the front door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art
Oh crap, how low can we go with this stuff?
im' trying to be opuned minded on this,but it's hard.
Posted by: billfry on June 11, 2007 03:32 PMHow about: What do you call 2 guys with no arms or legs hanging above a window?
Curt & Rod.
Posted by: sergio on June 11, 2007 04:32 PMbillfry,
Why don't you just sit down till the feeling passes and none of us will notice.
Mrs Smith,
Can Bobbie come out & play ball? Boys , why would you ask that question , you know Bobbie has no arms or legs? Yeah, we know but we need a home plate!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?
Skip
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to swim?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot hole?
Chuck.
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Ilene
what do you call a Korean woman with one leg longer than the other?
Irene
what do you call a leper in a jaccuzi?
Stew.
Did you here about the dumb blond drunk who thought a sanitary belt was a shot of whiskey in a clean glass?
Posted by: dudley1 on June 11, 2007 08:31 PMguess i will sit down i don't want to be pun ished.
Posted by: billfry on June 12, 2007 03:42 AMA man walks into a bar & sits done . He calls the bartender over & asks for a beer. The bartender notices he has a brown paper bag & asks what is in it?
The man opens it up & out takes out a tiny pianist 12"tall with an equally small grand piano. The bartender is amazed & asked where did you ever get such a prize?
The man reaches in his coat & pulls out a lamp & says there is a Genie inside who will grant each person who asks in a whisper one wish & one wish only.........then offers it to the bartender.
The bartender takes the lamp & whispers into it , immediately a duck walks in the front door followed by a parade of ducks until they are everywhere.
The bartender says to the guy who gave him the lamp....I think your Genie is a little deaf, I asked for a million bucks not ducks. The man looked at the bartender & said ...do you really think I asked for a 12" pianist?
dollars no
Posted by: dudley1 on June 12, 2007 08:39 AMA guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After looking arround and seeing two beautiful women at the other end of the bar, he tells the bartender to set up drinks for them as well.
After being served the drinks, one of the women walks over, hands it to the guy and says " don't bother, we're lesbians."
After a few minutes consideration, the guy gets up, walks over to the women and asks, "So, how are things in Beirut?"
He's so dumb, he thinks deuteronomy is a surgical procedure.
Posted by: Lergnom on June 12, 2007 11:21 AMThat blond is so dumb , she thinks
"sock it in" is a beer joint.
Did you hear the one about the leper who caused a car accident? He left his foot on the gas ....
Posted by: Peggy U on June 12, 2007 04:37 PMPeggy U.......
Mrs Jones ...can Bobbie come out & play? Boys, you know that is not possible because Bobbie has leprosy.....well, can you put him in the window so we can watch him rot?
Ted the leper was not a namedropper...toes & fingers were another matter.
Did you hear about the rival leper boxers? They had a face off in the ring ...
Posted by: Peggy U on June 12, 2007 08:47 PMJust stole these from another site:
Q: Why did they stop the leper football game?
A: There was a handoff behind the line of scrimmage.
Q: Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
A: The pitcher threw his arm out and the left fielder dropped a ball.
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
So a leper walks into a bar and as he gets his beer, a finger falls off. The bartender who is serving him turns and pukes all over the place. The leper, feeling bad, says, "Was it my finger falling off?" The bartender turns to him and says, "No, it's the guy dipping chips into your back."
Bonus (non-leper category): A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, wearing only cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist turns to him, takes one look and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
Posted by: PeggyU on June 12, 2007 08:52 PMPeggy U.....
Well, you are pretty much the depraved & supreme mistress of politically incorrect humor, I bow to your command over the subject.
Dipping chips into your back....Sheesh!
Posted by: dudley1 on June 12, 2007 09:36 PMPeggyU,
Keep sending them.
Why don't lepers play much hockey?
They can only have one face off.
This has gotta be the most comments ever on a Monday Pun.
Back to Helen Keller. Did you know she burned her fingers? She tried to read a waffle iron.
How did her parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture.
Posted by: Denny on June 12, 2007 10:24 PMPicking on the deaf! For SHAME!
How did Ray Charles burn his ear?
Phone rang, he answered the iron by mistake.
How did he burn the other ear?
The same guy called back.
(Or calling 9-1-1)
Why did Hellen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?
-You would too if your name was fdaoifbncicghrewort...
Once again I have a crush on PeggyU! How fuuny is she? Next week, Dead Baby Jokes?
I got a million of 'em.
Why aren't there any blind skydivers? It scares the crap out of the dog.
Posted by: Denny on June 13, 2007 12:37 PMPolitical & Indian......
An Indian walks into a restaurant carrying a shotgun & leading a Buffalo on a rope.......he asks for a cup of coffee, after drinking it ,he lifts the shotgun,shoots the buffalo leaving blood, hair, pieces of meat & gore everywhere then walks out.
The following week he shows up again with the shotgun & leading another Buffalo.......this time the waitress asks him what the f--k he was doing.......He said , Me in training to be Senator in Washington.....Drink coffee, shoot the bull ,make a big mess & leave it for someone else to clean up then disappear for a couple of days.
Posted by: dudley1 on June 13, 2007 03:33 PMI'm not so funny - I pilfered these from this site. Actually, I did a proper copy-and-paste plagiarization! So, I must cite my source and give due credit (otherwise, I will be haunted by the spectre of a dead English professor - ok, he's not dead yet, but he's always looked as though he might keel at any time). Read the rest of his jokes - there are some good ones!
However, I do have one awful politically incorrect one tucked up my sleeve, which I will save until it looks as though this thread has run its course ... ;) Brought it with me from Idaho, and I haven't used it in a long time. Will "update" it to make it apropos and au courant.
Posted by: PeggyU on June 13, 2007 03:47 PM
Ok.
Q: What do you call a transparent blob lying by the side of the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: An illegal with the sh*! kicked out of him.
... I probably crossed a sensibility line with that ...
Posted by: Peggy U on June 14, 2007 01:44 AM... which makes it a bad eye deer ... and now we have arrived back where it started.
Posted by: Peggy U on June 14, 2007 01:54 AMQ: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the back of a closet?
A: Dusty!
Two men walk into a bar, you would have thought that the second guy would have seen it...
Q. Why do blondes wear their hair in ponytails?
A. To hide the valve stem.
Q. What do you call six blondes sitting in a circle?
A. Dope ring.
Q. What do get when you have six blondes sitting in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A. "Thanks for the refill".
A salesman comes down the road in Georgia & to his surprise sees a pig with a pegleg walking in the barnyard of one farm. Somewhat intrigued he stops & asks the farmer who was working on his tractor about the pegleg pig.
The farmer told him it was a very special pig in that it had saved the entire family one night when the house caught on fire. It seems the pig had pushed the door open & gone from room to room rousing the farmer & his entire family then leading them out of the burning house to safety.
The salesman then asked if the pig had been hurt causing injury severe enough to require the pegleg......The farmer said not exactly, we just could not bring ourselves to eat him all at once after what he had done for us.
Posted by: dudley1 on June 14, 2007 09:05 PMOh - the ball is back in play?
How do you recognize a French soldier?
Sunburned armpits.
How do you tell the bride & groom at a polish wedding?.....He has a clean bowling shirt & she has braided armpits.
How can you tell a polish airplane?...simulated hair under the wings.
Why can`t a polack commmit suicide in chicago?....you can`t get hurt jumping out of a basement apartment window.
why don`t polish women like vibrators?....chips their teeth.
Little polish girl takes her piggy bank to the bank & gives it to the teller to deposit in a savings account....Teller says .....my, but what an industrious little girl , did you hoard all this money by yourself? The little girl says.....No, my older sister whored more then half of it.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
How about the cannibal brothers who was going to eat most of the missionary cooking in the pot? First cannibal brother says he should cause he caught him, second cannibal brother says no he should cause he killed him & was cooking him. They settled the dispute by agreeing to each start at one end & meet in the middle.
first cannibal brother says ...Man, this is the missionary I ever ate, Second cannibal brother says ....me too, I`m having a ball ..first cannibal brother says slow down!.. you are eating to fast!
Posted by: dudley1 on June 14, 2007 10:20 PMHow can you tell a polish funeral?
A. The lead garbage truck has its lights on.
Why does it take a polack a week to repair a broken window in his home?
A. It takes six days to dig a hole deep enough for the ladder.
What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a pile of leaves?
A. Rustle
What do you call a woman with no arms & no legs on a grill?
A. Patty
Why did the Farmer cross the road?
A. Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
Why did the feminist cross the road?
A. Because her dick was stuck in the chicken!
Once there was a king who was loved by everyone he ruled. He knew all of his subjects by name, and made sure they were happy as happy as possible. His hobby was collecting animals from around the world, and he loved them so much he let them have the run of the castle. At first things were going well, but as he started building up his menagerie things started to get a little dirty around the castle. And of course, that bothered his subjects. The climax came when a visiting king slipped in Llama dung and broke his elbow.
Finally, as much as his subjects loved him, they threw him out.
And that is the first time that a
reign was called because of game.