A Fable From Ron

Yep. Another guest posting from Ron. I think this one is for DanS.

Wunsaponna thyme, a strange boy was born, the product of a Rastafarian/Hebrew/Pentacostal/Buddhist mother from Djakarta and a Swahili/Muslim/Zoroastrian/Hindu father from Oslo. He grew up in a typical Greco-Incan-Polish-Bantu neighborhood and worshipped at the local Temple of Zeus down the street from the Woden Tabneracle.

Early in his socialization, his mother donated her brain to a research facility funded by the Medellin cartel in Pyongyang and became a devout mushroom. From watching numerous black-and-white science fiction movies from the 50s, his father developed a morbid fear of being consumed by an alien fungus and abandoned his mother, adopting the solitary life of a goatherd on the outskirts of Mombasa.

Throughout his childhood, his mother’s parents, a typical racist pair of nefarious Caucasians who feared everyone over 6 feet tall and especially those dribbling basketballs, repeated to him that he was destined for tragic disappointment and groomed him for a life in service to the planet Ork. Hearing that mantra every day of his life, his hungry mind was more than ready for some miraculous event that would rescue him from the doom Fate had in store for him.

His hope for salvation appeared in the form of a self-proclaimed holy man, a disciple of Loki who preached subjugation of the albino races by peoples with healthier skin tones and reparation for centuries of scientific and engineering progress at the expense of the entire continent of Africa. "You could be King," the Vicar of Vehemence assured him. "We will prepare the way for you to restore hope to the land by eradicating the pale parasites which have repressed our people for so long."

Filled with fervor by the promises from the Minister of Malevolence, the young man began his quest to wrest power from the traditional establishment and return it to the sons of Mother Africa where it rightfully belonged. He practiced his rhetoric, he polished his gestures, and he published his strategy for dismantling what was and creating what should be.

Like a whirlwind he roared across the landscape, blowing down the stale and stagnant facades of the short-sighted patriarchs of permanence, brushing away the myths and mirages of the old-fashioned plantation mentality of white superiority, and finally banging on the doors of the hallowed halls of entrenched conservatism in the holy city of Springfield.

Then at last the goal was in sight, the grail, the seat of power from which a brave new world could be wrought amidst the ruins of centuries of antique thought and institutionalized supremacy by tribes whose dominance resulted from nothing more than incredible luck and being in the right place at the right time.

As the young man stepped upon the dais to receive the shrieking accolades and fawning adoration of the countless mindless bobbleheads gathered at his feet, he tripped over a glottal stop, lost control of an umlaut, and became entangled in a faulty bilabial trill which quickly transformed into a full-blown ululation. In a moment of panic, a Latino bodyguard dropped a tilde, causing dozens of security guards to unleash a barrage of interjections, followed by a swarm of diacriticals which seriously and fatally killed his decorum. Several unidentified flying adjectives were seen swooping near the rostrum, shattering his untested image and casting sticky aspersions on his effrontery.

"O.K. Where was I?" his principal opponent said into the microphone when it became apparent that the race had been rendered academic. And the peasants wept, and the barons napped, and the Dow Jones soared past 15,000 on its way to 20. Islam surrendered to Pat Robertson, Palestine was erased from the map, and North Korea disbanded its army. In the distance could be heard faint, profane echoes in a woman’s voice bewailing that she had been Sinbadded and swindled out of the entitlement owed her for tolerating BJ for 30 years.

And life went on much as it had before, but without quite so much pink.

Posted by denny at March 28, 2008 12:35 PM