Rosemary

My cousin Rosemary died last week. Some background.

My St. Louis family is descended from two sisters, Dora and Ella Weber. Dora was my mom's mother. She and her husband had three children, Robert (my Uncle Pump, now deceased) Virginia, and Mom. Robert moved to Oklahoma City and adopted two children, Patty and Bobby. The only time I would see them was when they would come up for weddings and funerals or when we would take a vacation out West and would stop in Oklahoma City. My Aunt Virginia, who was also my godmother, died in the early 70's. That signaled our break with that part of the family. Her husband remarried a lush (after my mother had turned down his marriage proposal) and she, my mother, and I got in a big fight (she was drunk) at a holiday dinner. After that we were persona non grata.

Ella married Fred Strohmeyer and they had two children Russell and Rosemary. Russell was my godfather and he died last year. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was SCUBA diving down in Little Cayman when he died. When I got back, the funeral had already happened. My cousin Steve gave a very good eulogy that really captured the essence of Russ.

Russ had seven children. Rosemary had seven as well. They were all Russell's but they may as well have been Rosemary's. As my cousin Gary said, "Rosemary was a second mom." Russ was my godfather. Rosemary was my sister's godmother.

Before my Aunt Virginia's children got married and had kids, the descendants of Dora and Ella would always get together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. The hosting would alternate amongst our house, Virginia's house and Russell's house. Eventually the family got too big and we split off and just got together with Viginia's family. As I said, that came to an end after Virginia died. We then started getting together with the Strohmeyer's again. They were more fun anyway.

I always referred to Rosemary as Rosemary the Saint. She was a very dutiful daughter. She lived with her parents. She dated a man named Charlie for many years but wouldn't marry him because he was divorced and the Catholic Church would not allow it. She was a very devout Catholic. After her father died, she quit her job to take care of her mother full time. She would go out with Charlie on Friday nights, and one of Russell's kids would babysit their grandmother. My cousin Gary did it until he went off to college and then the duty passed on to his sister Nancy.

After Rosemary's mother died, she petitioned the church for a dispensation to marry Charlie. They allowed it and she and Charlie got married. They were both in their 60's. The family joke was that the marriage wouldn't last because they hadn't dated long enough. This was also when I knew there was no God since Charlie and I were both atheists and in the same church together and lightning didn't strike.

Rosemary and Charlie were as different as night and day. He was an atheist and she was a devout Catholic. He was a grouchy old bastard (which made him one of my favorite relatives) and she was a cheerful outgoing person. Everyone loved Rosemary. She was that type of person.

She and Mom were best friends. After her mother died and she married Charlie, she and Mom started traveling together. They also hung out a lot. Mom got her to go line dancing with Shirley and her. After Charlie's health started declining she quit traveling with Mom because she needed to stay home and take care of Charlie. After Charlie died, Mom wouldn't let her mope around, but once again got her to go traveling with her.

She sold her house and moved into an old folks facility but she didn't like that place and eventually moved out to Valley Park and into the same complex that Russell and Shirley moved into when they sold their house.

When my mom died was when Rosemary's health started to decline. She quit doing a lot of the things that she and Mom used to do. She just seemed to lose the will to live. She was mostly deaf and seemed to withdraw into her own little world. I knew she was in bad shape when I quit getting birthday and Christmas cards from her. She never forgot my birthday. When I was a boy she always sent me Easter and Halloween cards with money in them with a note telling me to buy candy with the money.

She loved her candy. It really pissed off Mom that she could eat all that candy and never get fat. She always gave up candy at Lent and made up for it on Easter by gorging herself on candy. She loved Peeps (little marshmallow chickens) and would buy them before Easter so they would be nice and stale (like she liked them) by Easter.

She and Russ were the ones who found Mom dead. Mom and I always talked on Sundays and when I didn't hear from her (it was her turn to call me) I called her and got her answering machine. I called Rosemary and asked her to check on Mom when Russ picked her up to go to dinner (which he did every Sunday). They were the ones who found her.

My sister had seen Rosemary last year and told me how bad she was. She would look at you when you tried to talk to her but wouldn't respond. That's why we didn't visit her when we were in St. Louis in May.

The last time I saw her was when my sister and I went on the Roots 2001 Tour. I had just got my 2001 BMW Z3 and wanted to go on a road trip and my sister asked it she could fly out (she lived in California at that time) and come with me and do some genealogy research. We stopped in St. Louis for a few days and went out to eat with the Strohmeyers who still lived there. Rosemary was very un-Rosemary like. She was acting old and hardly said a word and that was definitely not Rosemary.

When Mom had to put Dad's half sister into a nursing home, Rosemary would always accompany Mom when she went to visit her. Rosemary would even go on her own if Mom was out of town. Did I mention that Rosemary was a saint? Rosemary loved old people and they all loved her. When she lived in St. Louis Hills it seemed everyone knew Rosemary. She would walk to St. Gabreil's church everyday, weather permitting, and would always stop to talk to people on the way. She knew all her neighbors. Just like Russ, she never met a stranger.

After Russ died, Shirley took care of Rosemary, just like Mom took care of her sister-in-law. Rosemary was like a sister to Shirley. Shirley has seven children and seventeen grandchildren. Almost everyone was at the funeral. Number 7 child, Tom, couldn't make it. He lives in Guam and the last minute airfare was around $4K so Shirley told him not to come. Rosemary would have approved as she never wanted anyone to spend any money on her, while at the same time she was generous to everyone else. She had a 1967 Chevy that all the neighborhood kids wanted to buy and she sold it for a song because it was "so old". I'm sure she sold her house in St. Louis Hills (a primo section of the city) for less than it was worth because it would be "too much money". This seems to be a Strohmeyer trait since she and Russ sold their parents' lake house at Lake Montewese for less than it was worth.

I hate funerals. I remember as a child seeing my Grandfather, Grandmother, Uncle Fred, and Aunt Ella dead and laying in their coffins. When I go to funerals now, I never go to the coffin and look at the dead person. I want to remember them as living, not as a corpse. I did not go up to view Rosemary in her coffin.

Bill Cosby did a routine on funerals and what people say like, "He looks so good." or "He looks just like when he was alive." He said he was going to have a recording that said, "Don't I look good? Don't I look like myself?"

I realize that funerals are for the living and not for the dead. They are to celebrate a person's life. Rosemary lived a long life and was remembered by her relatives. We will never forget her. She was a wonderful person.

I forgot to ask Gary to send me a copy of the eulogy he delivered. If he does, I will post it. He captured Rosemary's essence just as his brother Steve did with Russ's.

Posted by denny at August 18, 2008 10:41 AM  Category: My Soft Side