January 27, 2010

SOTU First Draft

Ron found the first draft of Jug Hussein Ears' SOTU speech.

Madame Speaker . . . (siddown, woman . . dammit!)

Mr. Vice President . . . (hey, Joe! Wake up!)

Members of Congress . . . (corrupt, narrow-minded, unreliable, greedy bastards)

Honored guests (where are the cameras . . . Wolf? Chris? Katie? Diane? Brian? ah! there you are)

My fellow Americans . . . (you redneck, Bible-quotin, gun-totin, tea-baggin, racist rubes)

Tonight it is my solemn duty and great honor to report to you on the State of our Nation . . . Union (Jeeez, why can't that teleprompter match my rhythm!)

First, let me give you a brief summary. We've had a few bumps in the road in certain places during the past year, but I assure you we're working hard to smooth them out, and besides . . . they're all Bush's fault.

Now, specifically, the economy. I inherited this mess. Banks were failing, auto maker finances were out of control, everything was screwed up, but it was Bush's fault.

Unemployment. Bush's fault. When the mortgages couldn't be met and loans couldn't be repaid, and people quit buying things so that they could eat, then businesses began laying off workers. And that all happened well over a year ago, long before I took office.

Al Qaeda and the Taliban. This is simple, and I've been saying it for nearly three years now: George Bush fought the wrong war in Iraq. He should have put all his efforts into Afghanistan and taken care of the radicals once and for all when he had them on the run several years ago.

Health Care. This just doesn't make sense. I'm trying to do something about runaway costs in the health-care industry, and all the Republicans can come up with is obstructionism. They fought it when President Clinton tried to fix things 15 years ago, and they're still fighting it. All they've managed to do so far is mislead the American people about what a good deal we're offering them and create suspicion and distrust in my leadership. The truculence and opposition my administration has to deal with on this issue has come almost exclusively from Dick Cheney. Time for it to stop.

O.K. Here are a few things I'm putting in place to deal with the problems I inherited from my predecessor.

Even as I stand here before you, I have the treasury department frantically printing Franklins to distribute amongst certain balky moderate members of Congress to encourage them, enlighten them, entice them into supporting my agenda to establish a Marxist utopia here in what is still the greatest country on the planet.

I fully expect that my programs will create billions of new jobs for Americans who want them and for parasites from ratholes all over the world who want to come here and replace our customs, our traditions, our rituals with their exciting, exotic, and expressive cultures.

My plan is to completely eliminate unemployment for all black people by confiscating the obscene hoarded wealth of the super-rich and setting up studios for the production, distribution, and sales of rap CDs, fantasy sports DVDs in 3-D, and shops featuring size 50 denims with 14-inch inseams for the young brothers and wannabes.

I promise you that if we don't make significant progress in Afghanistan in the next few months, I'll begin bringing home our troops to redeploy them to Haiti to hand out Gummi Bears and Gatorade to the poor, unfortunate, hard-working, peace-loving citizens of that great land.

I also promise that before the mid-term elections, my team of advisors and czars will have brought the fat-cat bankers in line, taken away their hideously inflated bonuses, and reallocated their vast holdings to fund heated basketball courts for inner-city youth and ice-skating rinks for our brothers in Kenya.

I will reduce the national debt, first by cancelling any and all bonds bought by the citizens individually and renegotiating all loans made and bonds purchased by our allies.

I will also end global warming by unilaterally shutting down all factories in the US which operate on any kind of fossil fuel and outlawing all internal-combustion propulsion devices in the country and our territories.

I will bring free health care to every person in the country, regardless of his or her citizenship. To pay for any added expense my plan might cause, I am preparing an executive order which will limit doctors' salaries to correspond with their success ratios. By that I mean doctors will be paid a reasonable hourly wage, but only for patients who respond well to their diagnosis and treatment. If you go to a doctor and don't get better, he or she won't get paid until you do, and then it will be a reasonable fee, roughly similar to what a skilled electrician or mechanic would get for repairing your stove or your Prius. My Secretary of Education is working on a similar plan for teachers and school administrators.

Our military remains strong, but it's far too expensive. To reduce overall costs, I am phasing out all nuclear missile launch sites and all submarines and aircraft designed to carry nuclear weapons. When other nations see how much revenue can be saved by such measures, they will follow suit and the world will be safe from the threat of nuclear war before I am re-elected in 2012.

We will maintain two carrier battle groups in the Pacific and one in the Atlantic, primarily for air shows and good-will visits. All other ships will be placed in vertical storage as standbys if needed. And when we finally convince North Korea and other rogue nations to come to their senses and join the rest of us in peace and harmony, ground forces can be reduced by 75%. And really, how many Marines do we actually need for gate-guard duty if there's no war going on!

I have a plan which will fund Social Security for decades to come. I call it the "Adopt a Senior Citizen" plan. What I propose is that every family take in at least one senior citizen, give him or her lodging and food, and see to their needs by taking them to doctors' appointments and other places they might need to go. DNR tags and euthanasia kits will be available free of charge at local Social Security offices. This plan will immediately eliminate the need for long-term-care facilities, case workers, and subsidies. A few managed-care centers will still be required, of course, for the more difficult or terminal cases, but the rest can be converted to living quarters for the homeless, thereby reducing crime and disease in our cities' poorer areas.

For a long time now, our educational system has had to lower its standards and reduce mandatory qualifications for educators to meet budget shortfalls and increasing numbers of students. I have called for a plan which will reduce not only the number of hours each student must spend in school, but the number of years involved in making him or her a productive member of society. We spend entirely too much time and money teaching our children useless information, such as history or algebra or advanced English.

My plan will identify potential skills in students at very early ages, generally around 9 or 10, and begin immediately training them for jobs in areas in which they show proficiency and for which they express interest. Mechanics don't need to know about Shakespeare, and carpenters don't need to know about ancient civilizations or long-forgotten battles. Let's give them basic understanding of arithmetic and ensure they can speak and read well enough to complete an interview or job application, then put the rest of our energies into making them good at something that will be useful to everyone and put food on the table.

This will ultimately lead to reduced need for teachers, reduced need for school buildings, reduced need for buses, and reduced numbers of people going to college who would just drop out anyway to look for work. Let's fix the problem at the input end of the pipeline instead of trying to deal with leaks all over the system. How many college graduates do we need, anyway? A bachelor's degree is not necessary for installing drywall, or driving a bus, or scanning luggage at airports. The load on taxpayers supporting a system which is failing anyway would be a tremendous shot in the arm for the economy. Yes, we need some college-educated people to manage things, but no more than 10% of the population.

We could convert more than half our existing classroom-style schools into shop-style trade schools and teach the youth something useful instead of things they don't want to learn in the first place and will simply forget by the time their own children are ready to enter the system.

I have a plan, my fellow citizens, but I can't make it work without your help. I ask you to talk to your senators and your congressmen, convince them to get on our side and work toward building that utopia we all would like to see rise from the rubble of the last 8 years.

I am confident that as patriotic Americans, you will stop all this nonsense about jamming something up somebody's ass in 2010 and get behind my team to bring the change that we all hoped for 13 months ago to the greatest country on earth.

And anyone wishing to make donations to black people anywhere, especially Haiti or Kenya, barrels will be available in the lobby as you leave. For those of you at home, make your checks payable to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright at The Church Of Africa First, Chicago.

I thank you.

And thank you, Ron. I can well imagine JHE giving this speech.

Posted by denny at January 27, 2010 12:46 PM  

See what I mean about the quality of Ron's posts?

I wish you HAD NOT put this one up, however. The Won's operatives probably are gleaning it for ideas even now.

Posted by: joated on January 27, 2010 01:45 PM

Joated is right, Denny. We're going to lose Ron to the White House. They're desperate for ideas on how to turn the Bozo BS into proper prose. Ron has the gist of it. Even the teleprompters would clap hands!

Posted by: Claudia on January 27, 2010 02:30 PM

Applying the SOTU Drinking Game:

Rule #1 - Every time JHE says "I" you have to slam down a shot of the hard stuff (e.g. vodka, scotch, bourbon, gin, tequila).
-15 = 15 shots

Rule #2 - Every time JHE says "jobs" as in "green jobs" or "I have created or saved 2 million jobs" you have to chug a beer.
-2 = 2 brews

Rule #3 - Every time JHE says "inherited" as in "I inherited this mess from my predecessor" you have to chug a brewski.
-2 = 2 brews

Rule #4 - Every time he says "eight years" as in "the failed polices of the past eight years" down goes another brew.
-1 (8 years) and I included 2 Bush’s Fault = 3 brews

Rule #5 - Every time Speaker Blinky jumps up and starts applauding that's another beer down the hatch.
-Unable to determine

Totals: 15 shots plus 7 brews plus a beer for every Blinky-in-the-box! = comatose.

… and I bet I spent more time figuring this out than I will listening to the SOTU! I get dizzy watching him look like he's watching a tennis match with his Teleprompters.

Posted by: Chuck on January 27, 2010 05:58 PM

Nice piece Ron
And in the words of the late, great, George Carlin: To Obloma - "Fuck you and everybody that looks like you" You're still a piece of shit, doing a shitty job, in an incompetent manner. Blame Bush all you want but, you wouldn't amount to a zit on Bush's ass.

Posted by: Pres on January 28, 2010 12:20 AM

Losing Ron to the White House would be bad enough but.....I understand "Socialist Sally" has taken Charlie Deltas picture down & now masterbates to the video "Audio Ron"featuring Ron & the dog while reading this Ron posting.

Posted by: dudley1 on January 28, 2010 10:17 AM
Post a comment