February 08, 2011

PETA Versus Bikers

Tony sent me this.

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

Another fine use for duct tape.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

Maybe for you it did. Duct tape 2 PETA 0.

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960′s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

Throwing water balloon at bikers. What could possibly go wrong?

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

Ooops! Sacre bleu!

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

It just keeps getting better!

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Not biker farts! Oh, the humanity!

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

We're shocked!

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”


When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

So now the PETA dudes are members if the biker group.

Darwin at work.


Posted by denny at February 8, 2011 02:11 PM  

"Something went horribly wrong",

No shit, Sherlock!

The only thing that went wrong was these clowns showing up at a biker party in the first place.

Posted by: Scottiebill on February 8, 2011 02:43 PM

Now THAT's penis erectus!!

Best article I've read all week. Pussycat, meet Sabretooth.

Posted by: bocopro on February 8, 2011 02:44 PM

Best news concerning PETA I have ever seen.

Posted by: Greg on February 8, 2011 02:47 PM

That is classic! What the fuck did they think was going to happen. All the bikers would shed their colors and sing kumbaya with them. Fuckin' dolts.

Posted by: kerrcarto on February 8, 2011 02:57 PM

Unfortunately not true.


But still funny as hell.

(1st time commenter, long time reader)

Posted by: T. Rogers on February 8, 2011 03:08 PM

Hahaha! Merde alors! La raison du plus fort est toujours la meilleure.

Posted by: Claudia on February 8, 2011 03:10 PM

Of course it never hapened! Do you really think anyone from PETA has tha cajones to actually confront a pack of bikers like this? No! They'll continue to stalk the malls and low threat targets.

Still, one could always hope they would make such an error as depicted in this piece.

Posted by: joated on February 8, 2011 03:41 PM

Doesn't PETA stand for People Eating Tasty Animals?

Posted by: Dean on February 8, 2011 05:08 PM

My dad & sister were accosted once at a truckstop in Virginia by a PETA weenie on their way home from a Horse Show..The PETA dweeb was foolin' around my dad's horse trailer, claiming he was going to "Set the Horses Free..." My dad, who is 6'3" & rather MUSCULARLY built, told the dweeb that unless he wanted to maybe wake up in Tennessee, he'd best leave those horses alone & get the hell away from the trailer..The 5'6" skinny dweeb decided that skinny & 5'6" didn't go into 6'3" & muscular too well, so he rather wisely left them alone...My dad was only 65-70 at the time, the dweeb was 25-30, I figger it woulda been a pretty fair fight, but my dad woulda still bent him like a pretzel...Don't mess w/country boys & their Hosses, even if they ARE a little old...Hehehehehehehe...

Posted by: Sandy G. on February 8, 2011 05:20 PM

Whether true or not (thanks T. Rogers assclown) liberals ARE this dumb...TouchyFeely robs brain cells...anyone throwing anything on an expensive piece of outer apparell should be forced to pay FULL replacement value...and be pissed on by Bikers!!!!!

Posted by: TyGuy/Neil on February 8, 2011 07:51 PM

Some years back, on Black Friday, a new furrier was set to open in Sioux Falls South Dakota. PETA decided to protest, and the dress for the event was sandwich boards and shoes. The boards proclamation was I'd rather be naked then wear fur, or some thing like that. Police were to be on hand and ordered to make arrests if any forbidden flesh was seen. Friday dawned extra chilly, with temperatures hovering below zero. While the pukes were getting ready for the store to open, low and behold, a group of savy South Dakota Motorcycle enthusiasts arrived to join the festivities. They some how managed to isolate the amaturetesters from their warm van, then proceeded to taunt them. Bikers have this thing about blood on their leather gear, kinda like cowboys and scars. They kept the PETA pukes bottled up in sandwich boards, in near or sub zero conditions while they were toasty warm in their H-D leather and LL Bean gear.
KSFY or KELO interviewed the cops. The one officer said he was laughing so hard he actually pissed his pants. No arrests were made.
When I saw the broadcast, I too nearly wet myself laughing. SD today is adorned with billboards telling the PETA types they are not welcome.

Posted by: Jeremy on February 8, 2011 08:09 PM

I was nursing on Baffin Island in the late 60s. When I left, one of my Inuit friend (Kakee) gave me two sealskins to put on a wall. When I arrived down South, I hung them on my wall. Some of my visitors were horrified. In those days, everybody ate meat, and wore leather shoes without connecting them with dead animals. But (oh! dear...) they couldn't look at the sealskins on my wall. Here's what I wrote:


I hung two sealskins on my wall...

Some people say, "Oh! the poor dear things!"
with pity in their hearts
while chewing bloody steak
and wearing leather shoes.

And I think of Jonahsie
magnificently himself: a Man
hunter by destiny,
spearing the seals,
with no guilt in his soul,
no pity in his heart,
but beaming pride
that his day-work was done:
the best for his kin---
and that's all he could do.

And I think of Kakee, his wife,
cleaning, stretching, smoothing, sewing the skins
with a skill
as old as the Woman called Eve,
and bringing me the gift
with beaming pride:
the best for a friend---
and that's all she could give.

And I wonder why
we worry about who eats whom
when Life is a cycle?
We all prey, and we grow
feeding on each other.

A worm for a bird
a seal for Jonahsie
an egg that could be born
a drink of pure water
a breathing tomato
a flower for a vase
some grass to walk upon
the warmth of the sun, of a smile, of a body
a poem for a soul
and stars to fill a dream.

I hung two sealskins on my wall.
A man must face himself
and accept it.

CPG - 1970

In 1970, it never occurred to me that, by 1990, some people would become total vegetarians and would try to stop all the industries connected with animals killing. My Inuit friends are having serious problems because of the European ban on seals products. Hunting seals is their cultural heritage, their skill and their job.

I could say so much more.....

Posted by: Claudia on February 8, 2011 09:30 PM

Yeah, it's great. And so are the other articles on that site. "Congress Accidentally Gives South Dakota Back to Sioux". "White House Celebrates as US Reaches 100% Unemployment Milestone". Riiight. As delicious as it may be, we must hold Denny to a higher standard of veracity than the lamestream media. But that duct tape looks like fun.

Posted by: TalkinHorse on February 8, 2011 09:49 PM

Whether this article is true or not doesn't really matter. It allows us to say what we think of the PETA people. They can all go and hug a tree. I don't mind. But when they try to dictate what I cannot wear and eat, and who cannot hunt what, I truly object.

Posted by: Claudia on February 8, 2011 10:23 PM

Fake but accurate.

Posted by: Kaptain Krude on February 8, 2011 11:31 PM

They said I looked French, peed on me and called me La Trene (latrine).


Posted by: Incredulous on February 9, 2011 07:00 AM

So then, what was the real reason that guy was duct-taped in the tree?

Probably a funny story in itself.

Posted by: Titan Mk6B on February 9, 2011 08:08 AM

I have long owned a button that says: "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is easier to harass rich old ladies than motorcycle gangs."



Posted by: chicopanther on February 9, 2011 08:34 AM

If PETA had the courage of their convictions, they'd offer themselves as substitutes for the sealclubbing.

Posted by: pete on February 9, 2011 10:52 AM

Pete - I doubt the Inuits would enjoy eating the PETA people, as they enjoy sealmeat. And they would miss the warm furcoat!

Posted by: Claudia on February 9, 2011 12:30 PM

Disappointed that it is not true. But nevertheless, very very funny. La Trene, very funny.

Posted by: Navyvet on February 9, 2011 01:43 PM

Some years back, where I worked, we had a guy being a wise mouth. Several coworkers offered to duct tape him to one of the steel beams. he no more then said I dare you, and he was securely fastened to said beam. Spent the night taped to it, no potty break.
A couple years later, a similar incident happened when I was present. After worker #1 had about ten wraps of tape on #2, I intervened and reminded him that management said he would be fired if he ever did some thing like that again. I then kindly and ssslllooowwwlllyyy removed the tape which had #2 secured to the beam. he had a lot of hair that seemed to want to stay on the tape more then it wanted to stay on him.

Posted by: Jeremy on February 9, 2011 11:56 PM
Post a comment