Dear Hillary

Babs faxes Hillary

To: Hillary Clanton
From: Barbra Streisand

Dear Helen,

First, let me say what a great job you've done with your daughter Cheryl. I saw her in a picture with some dumpy looking blonde. Who was that anywhay? (Courtney Love - GOC) You may want to watch out who she hangs around with. Anyway, Shelley looks so much better since you had her hair straightened, but you really must do something about her nose. Oy vey! A good Jewish family whould have given her a nose job for her high school graduation.

I must let you know that I am supporting Jim Looberman for President. If your husband would run again, and I wish I knew why he won't, I'd support him. As it is, I heard that Coffee Anon is retiring as King of the United Nations and Bill is gonna take over his job. That would make him King of the World, and you would be Queen. But back to Jake. I want him to be president because he is Jewish. When he is president, you could take over his job as the conscious of the Senate.

If John does not get elected in 2004, I'm hoping that you will run in 2006. I know that you will be elected with 95 to 100 per cent of the vote. I just hope the Republican White Shirts don't riot in Florida like they did back in the last election when they stole the election from Al whats-his-name and made Jeb Bush president. I really look forward to sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom again. What a treat it was to sleep in the same bed that Andrew Lincoln slept in!

How do you feel about the upcoming war with Iran? I tried to talk to Jo Jo Clooney about it, but he started talking about sodomy, got very rude, and hung up on me. I think we should give peace a chance and give the inspectors more time. Since you are the smartest woman in the world, I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

I now must get a little personal. Where does your hunky husband get all his sexual energy. You're so beautiful that I know he must be taking care of you every night, but he still has all that sexual energy to chase other women. I'm lucky if Jim and I get it on once a month. I got him some of that Vitagro drug, but it doesn't seem to help. What is your secret?

Well, Heloise, I've prattled on long enough. Let me know when you and the hunk are coming out to Hollywood. I'd love to have you over to the house. We could even hold a fund raiser and I would sing for you.

Luv ya,
Babs

Incredibly Stupid Person

Every now and then I read something so incredibly stupid that I wonder how the person who wrote it is actually able to get dressed in the morning, not to mention function as a rational human being. Today was one of those days. I read the following letter in the letters section of today's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation.

War has never in the history of humankind caused peace. The street definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.

Like trying to make socialism (or peace) work.

War, at its best and only at horrendous cost, can cause temporary silence. Humanity must use those temporary silences to develop a new consciousness and commitment to peace, which is always an effect of self-honesty and love,. We must have a change of heart and a change of mind so fundamental and generalized that we experience the quest for true peace as an exciting new frontier.

HONEY JUDITH RUBIN
Marietta

The mature mind reels! Where do I begin? What can I say? So, we should have just given up and have allowed Hitler to conquer Europe and exterminate Jews and Gypsies and any other race that he figgered didn't belong on the planet? Golly Honey, we would have had peace, but would the cost have been worth it?

Or maybe we shouldn't have fought the Civil War. We would have had peace, but would have continued to have slavery. Is that your definition of peace?

So I guess we should just give up and convert to Islam and institute Sha'ria since that is what al Qaeda wants. Howza 'bout we invite them over here and talk it over? Let's discuss your 'new frontier' with them. By the way, I hope you will enjoy wearing a burqa. I hope you'll enjoy being little more than a slave since that is the role of women in the society that our enemies want to inflict on us. And I'm sure it won't bother you that your daughters will be sold to other men into arranged marriages. But, it won't matter because we'll have peace and by golly peace is the most important thing in the world.

The abject, I'm sorry I have to say it, stupidity of this person is frightening. She makes Jimmy Carter sound rational. There are people on this planet who want to destroy this nation and enslave all of us and she is talking about developing "a new consciousness and commitment to peace, which is always an effect of self-honesty and love". I do not have the slightest idea what that means. I know it really sounds sweet and noble, but when someone is threatening me or my family, I'm not interested in talking to him about how we must love each other, I'm thinking about how fast I can get to my gun to blow that sonuvabitch away. Jesus H. Christ! This person obviously went to a gummint school.

It's a crying shame that Honey wasn't on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11. I'm sure she could have said to the hijackers, "Let us choose a frontier that leads directly to peace and not just one more temporary and violent means to an end", and they would have dropped their boxcutters and everyone on the plane would have joined hands and started singing Kumbaya.

Reading idealistic bullshit like this makes me want to pound my head against the wall and scream at the top of my lungs, "What a fucking idiot!"

And, if you want to read an essay by someone who says this so much better than I, go read what Mrs. du Toit has to say about the 'peace at any price' idiots.

Someone needs to sit honey down and explain to her in words of one and two syllables, that a lot of good men died in wars to allow her to live in peace. The price of her peace, enslavement, is a price that I am not willing to pay. Yes, war is bad, but sometimes it is necessary. If there were no evil in this world, like Hitler, like communism (Ask the Eastern European states how they felt about the Cold War. They were not willing to pay the price of Honey's peace either), like slavery, like radical Islam, then Honey's "true peace as an exciting new frontier" would be realistic. As it is, people who think like that are dangerous.

Case in point: Jimmy Carter

Babs and George

Ring! Ring!

George: Hello

Babs: Hello. Is this George Loony?

George: Clooney!

Babs: Clooney?

George: Clooney!

Babs: Are you related to Rose Marie Clooney? I loved her on the Dan Van Dyke Show with that cute Mary Taylor Moore.

George: That's RoseMARY Clooney not Rose Marie and she's my aunt.

Babs: Ants? You've got ants?

George: Aunt! Aunt! She's my aunt. Who is this?

Babs: This is Barbra Streisand.

George: Oh yeah. Didn't you used to be a singer or something? I didn't know you were still alive.

Babs: Well, I am Gene, and I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming war.

George: That's George!

Babs: Who?

George: George, my name is George!

Babs: Whatever. Anyway, that nice guy who plays the president on TV, Martin Shine, said I should talk to you.

George: Sheen.

Babs: What?

George: Sheen. His name is Martin Sheen.

Babs: Whatever. Any way Michael Sheen ...

George: Martin! It's Martin Sheen! Martin! Sheen! He plays President Bartlett on The West Wing!

Babs: West wing of what?

George: The White House!

Babs: But I don't want to talk about the White House, I want to talk about the war with Iran.

George: Iraq!

Babs: What?

George: Iraq!

Babs: You wrecked something? What does that have to do with the war?

George: No! The country we are going to war with is Iraq. Eye Are A Que. Iraq!

Babs: Yeah. That's what I meant. The country that's run by Samuel Hussein.

George: Saddam

Babs: Sodomy? What does that have to do with it? Is he practicing Sodomy on his people? And while were at it, don't you just wonder what all the people were doing in Gomorrah?

George: No! His name is Saddam Hussein! Not Samuel Hussein! Saddam Hussein!

Babs: Well that's just terrible that someone would name their child after a disgusting sexual act.

George: It's not Sodomy! It's Saddam! Ess A Dee Dee A EM. Saddam!

Babs: Whatever. Anyway, don't you think it's teriible that Jeb Bush is gonna start a war with Saddam?

George: George.

Babs: What?

George: George.

Babs: I know your name is George. Do you think I'm stupid or something?

George: No! It's George Bush. Not Jeb Bush. George Bush is the President. Jeb Bush is the governor of Florida.

Babs: But I didn't call to talk about Florida. Are we declaring war on Florida because of the election that Al whats-his-name won but had stolen from him? Isn't that rather drastic?

George: No, you incredibly stupid bitch! You called to talk to me about the war on Iraq! That George Bush is gonna start! That is gonna violate international law! That is gonna make us an international pariah.

Babs: You don't have to get all snippy with me! I'm a big international star. And speaking of pariah, don't you just love that song called They Call the Wind Pariah? I think it was from that show Paint Your Cart.

Click.

Babs: Hello? Hello? Where did he go? What an incredibly rude young man. I think I'll call Michael Shine and tell him about it.

Ring. Ring.

Martin: Hello.

Babs: Hi Michael. It's Barbra.

Martin: Oh Shit!

Hans Und Fritz

Well golly, there's so much going on today. Molly Ivins has another humorous column in today's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation that is just begging for another fisking, but I have to adhere to my Only Fisk Molly Once a Month Rule. Don't want brain rot to set in. George Loony is spouting off in Europe and that just begs for another Rachel Lucas interview, but she's taking some time off. Arrrgghhh! And the French are going to submit a resolution to the Security Council that will probably say that they're surrendering to Iraq. Speaking of France, the following comment was posted on my French Bashing post yesterday:

My father (who spent most of WW2 either in the N. Atlantic or the Mediterranean, aboard "U.S.S. Frankford") used to say that -- should the Europeans decide to indulge in yet another great land war during the Twentieth Century -- he hoped that the other side would get the French as allies. Just to spread the pain around a bit.

Love it!

Nope. Not gonna write about any of that. Sandy, commented yesterday asking about how our German project was going. I think this is the second time she asked and I've been holding off until we had a final decision, but, it's starting to get interesting.

For those of you who came in late, I work for TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name) which is a multinational corporation. I am a mainframe systems programmer, and, no, the mainframe is not dead, it's now called a high end server. The division I work for used to outsource our hardware to another division of TCIDNN but do our own programming. We found out we could cut our I/T costs by getting our own hardware, which we did five years ago.

Our counterparts in Europe, who are represented by Hans and Fritz, outsource both their hardware and their programming support to the German branch of the division we used to use. About three months ago, that division announced that they were gonna raise their I/T support bill from $2.7 million to $2.9 million. Hans hit the ceiling and started sending out notes to the whole world about this.

So, someone suggested that maybe they should think about seeing what we would charge for their business. For more details about all the fun I've had with the Germans, Go here.

Keep in mind that this is all internal money, which I call white beans. Different parts of TCIDNN are BBU's (Battlin' Business Units) that sell goods and services to each other. We're just fixin' to take some white beans away from the division in Germany. And to make this even more like the Axis of Weasels, the final decision as to who is gonna get the white beans rests with a Belgian!

Anyway, after looking at what it would cost to upgrade our stuff and add the additional hardware and peopleware, and after many meetings, and even more meetings, and even more meetings after that (If you went back to my original post you'd understand this) we came up with a cost of $1.9 million per year.

We sent off a proposed SLA (Service Level Agreement) to Hans and Fritz last week. I've been saying all along that Hans and Fritz were just using us as a bargaining chip to get the German outsourcer to cut their price. Well, it was successful. They matched our offer. About now, if I were Hans, I would be asking the outsourcer, "Mein Gott! If you can match this price, why have you been raping me for all these years and how about a hefty rebate, Scheisskopf?"

Over the last two months, my manager has been walking around with this big ol' boner and a huge smile on his face (That is when his head has been out from up his bosses ass.). If we can pull this off, we'll be supporting most of the world out of our data center and he'll have this huge empire. So, when the Germans matched our offer it was like the Viagra had worn off.

Last Friday, my team lead and I were sitting in our office fat, dumb and happy when our manager came in and told us that the Germans had matched our offer and his boss wanted us to cut $800 thousand from our proposal. What? "No problem", said our boss, whose hair was getting curly and pointed as he spoke, "we'll just cut headcount". What?

My team lead tried to explain to him that we would have to port their entire environment over and keep it as it was. They do not do things as efficiently as we do (They have a staff of 16 people supporting it, We were gonna do it with 9), and until we could start implementing some of our automation and other efficiencies this was the minimum staff required.

He then floored us with this statement: "They told me I couldn't cut my staff 50% and still provide support, but I did it." This asshole was bragging about firing half of his people! I have never seen my team lead mad before. He hid it well, but I could tell he was biting his tongue. Fortunately, I was on the phone so I didn't say what I was thinking.

So, today, we had a meeting with the project manager who is driving this project to see what we could cut. I was trying to figger out how to get out of it as choking one's manager is probably grounds for dismissal. Fortunately, he was not in the meeting. We're having still another meeting tomorrow to continue finding things to cut.

About now, I don't really give a crap whether we get this business or not. We're having a meeting with Hans, Fritz, and the Belgian on Wednesday
and giving them our next offer.

Fuck it! Let's just bomb Iraq!

French Bashing

I've pretty much always disliked the French. I remember during the 50's when the French started acting (like they are now) as if they were some great world power and criticized the United States constantly. I asked my father why, after all we had done for them in two wars they hated us so much. My father told me that it is human nature to resent people to whom you owe debts of gratitude.

I'm sure most of you have seen the Miltary History of France. I first encountered it at Rantburg, but I was informed that the original is here. The best thing about reading the original is he gives you links to all his references.

Last night I had my friends, Michael and Cindy, over for dinner. One of the bottles of wine we drank was a 1990 Bordeaux (What! You want me to pour it out? It's been in my cellar for years.) Naturally we got to talking about the French. Cindy told me I should post excerpts from Mark Twain's The French and the Comanches where Mark Twain compares the two and rates the Comanches as more civilized. Seems French bashing was popular in Mark Twain's day, at least by Mark Twain. I like this little excerpt:

The most attractive feature of the French national character, and its most encouraging one to the missionary, is its admirable and unapproachable docility. We look upon rabbits as being meek. But what is the meekness of the rabbit to the meekness of the Frenchman? Are there any rabbits that would allow themselves to be abused, insulted, and trodden under foot persistently and continuously for a thousand years, and never offer to bite? Europe is freckled all over with daring little communities which have risen against powerful oppressors time and time again, and compelled redress. The list stretches out to weariness. William Tells and Wat Tylers have been common nearly everywhere but in France. Yet France rose at last--and would have retired to its warren quite contented with a cuff and a bonbon if the foolish King had offered them, but it was not his style to do the needful thing at the needful time, so the chance went by. Then the nation cast its rabbit skin and put on its other national garment, the tiger skin, being closely pressed by Europe in arms, it went a step further and asserted its manhood, and was doubtless surprised to find how much it had of it. Napoleon, the great foreigner, brought the people's soldiership up to the last summit of perfection; and when he got ready, he dressed the nation in their rabbit skins again, and put his foot on their necks, and they glorified him for it. Napoleon III accommodated them in the same way, to their vast satisfaction.

This was written in the 19th Century.

Another excerpt that I liked, and have the link for is The Great French Duel. Excerpts follow:

Much as the modern French duel is ridiculed by certain smart people, it is in reality one of the most dangerous institutions of our day. Since it is always fought in the open air, the combatants are nearly sure to catch cold. M. Paul de Cassagnac, the most inveterate of the French duelists, had suffered so often in this way that he is at last a confirmed invalid; and the best physician in Paris has expressed the opinion that if he goes on dueling for fifteen or twenty years more--unless he forms the habit of fighting in a comfortable room where damps and draughts cannot intrude--he will eventually endanger his life.

Mark Twain acts as a second and visits the challenged dueler's home.

The next thing in order was the choice of weapons. My principal said he was not feeling well, and would leave that and the other details of the proposed meeting to me. Therefore I wrote the following note and carried it to M. Fourtou's friend:

"Bloodshed!"

Mon Dieu! Bloodshed? Follow the link. Read the rest of it.

He also goes after our good friens the Germans. Here's the index. Check it out.

Cindy's father was in Europe during WWII and he observed a fight between two French soldiers. He couldn't believe it. They slapped each other.

It's so much fun to bash the French. They're such easy targets.

Ron Checks In

I got an email from Ron which was the text of an anti-war ad that was placed in today's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation. As I was reading it, all I could think of was how incredilby fucking stupid these people were and how this ad deserved a first rate fisking. As I scrolled down a little further, I saw that Ron had already done it. Just damn! How dare he take my fun away! Since he did such an excellent job I am reproducing it here. But, I cannot help myself. I'll have to add some comments also.

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER

 War on Iraq will deepen international resentment, producing more terrorists and more terrorism, not less.

Ron: (sarcasm on) If we leave them alone, maybe they’ll leave us alone. It worked up until 9-11-01, why can’t it work now?(sarcasm off)

GOC: No, if we show the terrorists and the states that sponsor them that if they fuck with us, we will destroy them down to the last man, it will mean less terrorism. The reason we had 9/11 in the first place was because after every terrorist episode, that pussy, Bill Clinton would bite his lip, promise justice, and go get a blowjob from Monica. Osama bin Laden thought that the rest of America was like that, just like the people who wrote this ad.

 War will further alienate the U.S. from the world community, arousing suspicion about our motives instead of sympathy for our goals.

Ron: The “world community” or Germany, France, and Belgium?

GOC: Maybe if we are isolated from the 'world community', the 'world community' will quit demanding that we support their failed economies. That would be a good thing.

 War will result in great carnage and misery, killing thousands of Iraqi families and U.S. servicemen and women.

Ron: Unlike the regime of Saddam Hussein, which has never inflicted death and misery on Iraqis or U.S. servicepeople.

GOC: Just like the war in Afghanistan.

 “Pre-emptive” war, without an imminent threat, will brand the U.S. as an aggressor nation that pays only lip-service to international law.

Ron: Unlike France, which only sent troops to the Ivory Coast because of the imminent threat of IC landings in Calais.

GOC: As I've pointed out before, where was international law when our diplomats were taken hostage in Iran? Where was the world community then? Iran should have immediately been declared a pariah state. Didn't happen. Fuck international law!

 War will threaten our already fragile economy and divert billions from urgent social needs.

Ron: Any estimates of how much damage would be done to the economy by a nuke going off in New York or a smallpox outbreak in Atlanta?

GOC: By 'urgent social needs' they mean failed liberal socialist programs that have destroyed our schools, maintained a dependent underclass, and are in the process of destroying the best health care system in the world and replacing it with socialized medicine. Remember, to liberals, the only reason socialism has never (and I mean never!) worked anywhere it has been implemented is because the right people have not been in charge.

 War will further erode our basic liberties, weakening Constitutional guarantees.

Ron: Or we can protect the most basic of rights: Life. How many “Constitutional guarantees” are the victims of 9-11 enjoying today?

GOC: This by the people who want to restrict our First Amendment rights by campaign finance laws and our Second Amendment rights by gun control laws.

We, the undersigned Georgians, are certain that sensible alternatives to war exist in the present situation. We demand that the Bush Administration embrace them.

GOC: Yeah, you fkwits, here's a sensible alternative: Saddam disarms like he has agreed to. If he doesn't, we'll send in 150,000 well armed inspectors.

Let's see who signed this ad.

Atlanta Palestine Solidarity (No surprise there. I'm sure they support Palestinian terrorism)

State Rep. Tyrone Brooks (Don't know much about Tryone, but he's probably a fkwit.)

Jane Fonda (Yeah, she lives in Atlanta now. I hope she's real proud of her traitorous actions back in the 60's. I hope she's real proud of the 2 million people killed in Cambodia. Fucking communist bitch! Someone told me that French director Roger Vadim, remarked that living with Jane Fonda was like babysitting Lenin.)

The Georgia Green Party (They're in the mainstream.)

Indigo Girls (Two clueless entertainers. Are they still making albums?)

Rep. John Lewis (He got hit on the head one too many times back during the civil rights movement. To use an overworn cliche, if you looked up useless idiot in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of John Lewis. He's another black leader who has perpetuated poverty and a black underclass.)

Cynthia McKinney (former U.S. Rep.) (Why is this not a surprise? But, if Saddam did give WMD's to al Qaeda and they used them on us, she would be the first one screaming that Bush knew about it and let it happen.)

Billy McKinney (former state rep.) ("It was the Jews J-E-W-S." Billy, you are a bigot, B-I-G-O-T!)

Not in Our Name (Bunch of booger eatin' moh-rons!)

Physicians for Social Responsibility / Georgia (Physicians giving themselves prostate exams by using their heads instead of their fingers.)

These fkwits have always been with us. "War never solves anything", they say. If they were alive back in 1776, they would have been against the Revolution. If they were alive in 1860, they would have been against the Civil War. I can hear it now. "We need to engage in a dialogue with the South. After all, War Is Not the Answer." And of course, war was not the answer to stop Hitler.

These self righteous bastards walk around feeling morally superior to the rest of us all the while supporting an evil dictator who has already used chemical weapons on his own subjects. He has tortured and killed his own people and this is the type of person these booger eatin' moh-rons want to leave in power.

Well, I got a suggestion for you morally superior assholes. Why don't you go over to Iraq and have a sit down with Saddam? And while you're there, ask him if he needs any more human shields.

You're perfectly qualified for that.

Dear Saddam

To: Saddam Rushdie. the legally elected ruler of Irack
From: Barbra Streisand

Stan, first let me say that I'm sorry that the Iranians want to kill you because you wrote some stupid book. I mean that was a long time ago. They should get over it, since now you're a Muslim hero standing up to our selected not elected president. You got 99.9% of the vote in your country. In our country, Al what's his name got a majority of the vote, (probably 90 to 95 percent) and our court of the Supremes handed him the election. I still don't know understand why Diana Ross got involved. I tried to read the Constitution so I could understand what was going on, but when I got to that part about promoting generals on welfare, I thought it was getting too silly and quit. I'm hoping that Bill Clintan's wife, Helen, will explain it to me.

Anyway, let me tell you that I agree with Mike Farrell and that cute little Jane
Giraffalo that we would be wrong to start a war with you. Let the inspections work. I can tell that you are cooperating fully with the United Nations. The French are correct in their objections and they are so much more civilized than we crude Americans. After all, they have all those tree lined streets so the Germans can march in the shade. I've even been to France. I was at the Canned Film Festival once.

I'm really sorry we have that dumb cowboy as president. What we really need is someone like Bill Clanton. I don't know why he didn't run again. He was the best president this country ever had. Or we could have had Jimmy Carter. Bill and Jimmy did such a good job with North Korea and now with Busch as president, we're having problems with North Korea again. If Bush were smart he would send Jimmy Carter to talk to the Koreans and Bill to talk to you. I know we could get these problems straightened out. It's all just a misunderstanding.

I'd like to write more, but Martin Sheen just called and wants to talk to me about joining his group, Artists Untied to Win Without War. Now, wouldn't Martin Sheen make a good president?

Luv ya,
Babs

Links and an Apology

As long time readers know, I am not a linker. I leave that to people like Glenn Reynolds and Henry Hanks who do a far better job than I could ever do. And Henry is nice enough to send me transcripts of programs like the one where Neal Boortz cut Donahue to pieces. Henry, where is the Dennis Miller transcript? I hear he did a job on Donahue also. But in a battle of wits with a conservative (or a libertarian) Phil shows up unarmed. That being said I have some links to present.

What is going on with the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation? I cannot believe they printed this op-ed. I have no comment, except I can hardly wait to read the letters that this column generates. It's a good thing the guy who wrote it is black. He's obviously an 'oreo' or an 'Uncle Tom'

And then Zell Miller, my favorite Dimocratic Senator (If he were to run again, I would vote for him. He's the best 'Republican' in the bunch.) wrote this op-ed today. Way to go Zell! Meanwhile, our Republican governor is gonna raise our taxes. 'Sup widat? Sonny, I did not vote for you to raise my taxes. If I wanted that, I would have voted for Barnes. What kind of Republican are you? Cut spending! Let me at the budget. I'm sure I could find a whole shitload of things to cut.

And finally, my sweetheat, Ann Coulter, wrote this about the new liberal talk radio network. My favorite line from the column:

To be sure, conservative radio talk show hosts have a built-in audience unavailable to liberals: People driving cars to some sort of job.

Doncha just have to love her?

Now the apology. Yesterday I posted the Arab TV Guide. I received it in an email and thought it was funny and posted it. Normally when I do that, I say that I received this in a email from whomever. I failed to do that last night. Craig was nice enough to send me an email informing me that this was the original source. I immediately updated my post to give credit where credit was due. And I sent Craig a note thanking him for that. I certainly do not want to take credit for someone else's work.

And in that vein, David Sims wrote about how bloggers are getting ripped off by others using their stuff without credit.

So, I guess what I am saying, for all you nice people who send me stuff, if you can, please provide me with the source so I can give credit where credit is due.

There are some sharp people in the Blogosphere.

Their creativity should be recognized.

Foreign Policy

I had my wine tasting last night and now I'm really pissed off at the French. One of the wines we tasted was a $200 bottle of a white wine. I cannot imagine any white wine being worth $200, but that's what it was. We had two bottles of it and the bottle that I got to taste out of was corked! It was merde! Aaarrrggghhhh!

Have you seen the Arab TV Guide yet? Credit to Junkyardblog.
Dude! Get thee off Blogspot! Your site takes forever to load!

Arab TV Guide
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and
Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

Time for some links:

Beetle Bailey.

Give Peace a Chance.

The above is what France, Germany, and Belgium are supporting. It is also what the communists in Hollywood are supporting. It is also what useful idiots like Jimmy Carter are abetting.

Y'know, about ten years after Jimmy Carter left office after his disastrous presidency (His two foreign policy 'successes' were the Camp David Peace accords that cost us $5 billion a year in aid to Egypt and Israel and giving away the Panama Canal that we built and paid for. Good thing he didn't get another four years. Who knows what he would have given away.), I was willing to let bygones be bygones. Habitat for Humanity was a worthy project. And he seemed sincere in promoting human rights around the world. But, since the early 90's he's just gone off the deep end. There is no dictator or evil regime that he is not willing to validate and appease. And his negotiations with North Korea for the Clinton administration sure worked out well didn't they?

I've finally figgered out whom Jimmy Carter reminds me of. Do you remember the Star Trek episode where Kirk transports up from a planet and is split into two Kirks: the good Kirk and the evil Kirk? The good Kirk was indecisive and powerless. He meant well, but just didn't know what to do. That's Jimmy Carter. Jimmah means well, but he's just such a clueless bastard that he completely fucks up every thing he touches, with the exception of Habitat for Humanity. And that's probably 'cause he doesn't have too much to do with it anymore. I'd hate to live in a house that he had personally worked on 'cause it would probably collapse.

It has been an unwritten rule that previous presidents do not comment on the foreign policy of curent presidents. You never heard Bush pere say anything about Clinton. But, since neither Clinton nor Carter have any class whatsoever, they're mouthing off all over the world. It's got John McCain pissed off, and rightly so.

Listening to Bill Clinton lecture us on foreign policy is like listening to Jimmy Carter lecture us on foreign policy. And listening to Jimmy Carter lecture us on foreign policy is like listening to Bill Clinton lecture us on marital fidelity. We can blame Iran on Jimmy Carter and North Korea on both Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. And all I can say is I'm thankful that neither of these asshoes were president after 9/11. Can't you just imagine all the hand wringing. "Oh no! Why do they hate us? What did we do wrong?" Fkwits!

That's the problem with liberals. They blame us for everything and not our enemies. As a result, our enemies think we're weak and irresolute, and when we have liberal leaders we are. The Islamofascists only recognize strength. They think diplomacy is a sign of weakness. You do not reason with a bully, you beat the shit out of him. The Arab world is laughing at France (Well everyone is laughing at France. Nothing new there.) and Germany because they are acting weak. They ain't laughing at us. Well, they are laughing at Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Jesse jackson, Ed Asner (He's still alive?), Mike Farrell (Does he work anymore?), Rob Reiner, and all the other Hollywood useful idiots.

And as for the 'it has never been U.S. foreign policy to launch a pre-emptive war', that is bullshit! It has always been in our arsenal. Teddy Roosevelt said it best. 'Walk softly and carry a big stick.' And what do you think he would think of the likes of Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? Not much.

But if Teddy Roosevelt were alive and were running the country today he wouldn't be worried about the United Nations, France, or Germany. War was declared on us and it is a war that we are willing to fight and win.

We've got the stick and we're ready to use it!

Letters

Since I'm going to a wine tasting tonight (Shame on me! They're 2000 French wines) I'm going to publish some letters from my readers. The first one is from Phil.

I work with xxxxxx at xxxxxx and have been reading your
blogs for a while now. We have much the same philosophy, so I haven't
emailed you before. I am doing it now because I have had enough of the
embarrassment caused by Jimmy Carter. I have just finished emailing Zell
Miller and Mac Collins. I could not find the email address for Saxby
Chambliss or I would email him also. (I just checked the U. S. Senate's website and Senator Chambliss does not appear to have an email address yet. - GOC) I believe that we should strip Jimmy
Carter of any tax money being used to support his anti-american activities.

He has been out of office for more than 20 years, and 20 years is long
enough to support any ex-president, much less one like him. I have asked
both Zell and Mac to introduce a measure to strip him of his Secret Service
support as well as the other tax money we spend to provide him an office and
staff.

Could you ask your readers to support this measure by sending emails to
their representatives?

Consider them asked. As long as Jimmy Carter builds houses for the poor, he is a fine man. Other than that he is a useful idiot who has never met a dictator he couldn't appease.

This next letter is from my brother-in-law.

This should be a "2004" election issue:

Q: Which party took Social Security from an
independent fund and put it in the general fund so that
Congress could spend it??
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the
Democratic-controlled House and Senate.

Q: Which party put a tax on Social Security?
A: The Democratic party.

Q: Which party increased the tax on Social Security?
A: The Democratic Party with Al Gore casting the
deciding vote.

Q: Which party decided to give money to immigrants?
A: That's right, immigrants moved into this country
and at 65 got SSI Social Security. The Democratic Party
gave that to them although they never paid a dime into it.

Then, after doing all this, the Democrats turn
around and tell you the Republicans want to take your Social
Security.

And the worst part about it is, many people believe it!

Pass it on please!

Consider it passed on.

Now, onto a letter from my sis' neighbor.

Dear Denny, Fox News Channel reported this morning:

Grass root boycotting of Evian, Perrier, French wine (this is going to make you suffer a little bit, Denny) (I know. But I have already invested in both 2000 and 2001 Bordeaux futures that I am obligated to buy - GOC) and perfume appeared to have started already.

Some of our midnight talk show hosts and senators and congressmen are using the French for target practice for their future career as stand up comedians, e.g., Majority Whip Rep. Roy Blount (sp.?) quipped “how many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Don’t know, it has never been tried successfully before”.

I liked that one. I posted it on another site earlier today.

The hardest hit, if pulled off: 18 congressmen have lined up to introduce a Bill to either boycott the June Paris Air Show and/or deny any U.S. Airlines any Federal bailouts or subsidies if they should make any additional Airbus purchase. We are talking about billions, man!!! And the surrender monkeys own approx. 40% of Airbus and had been subsidizing that company with annual capital injection and super low interest rate with their Export/Import Bank to support Airbus sale. BTW, Airbus has never ever had a profitable year since its formation about 20 some odd years ago.

Denny, could you broadcast these messages to your fellow bloggers and spread the good words?

Consider it broadcast and spread.

And finally, from Dan.

The thing I was thinking of while watching the UNSC debate;
Iraq as a parent-child relationship

Parent to 6 year old: "Please clean your room"

Child to parent: "Sure, I will get to it"

Parent to 8 year old: "You have still not cleaned your room, please do it
or I will have to punish you"

Child to parent: "I did clean it, you just did not inspect it close enough"

Parent to 10 year old: "Your room now has 3 feet of stuff on the floor. If
you don't clean it real soon, I am going to get angry"

Child to parent: "I will seriously clean it soon"

Parent to 12 year old:" Your room is still not cleaned, I am about at the
end of my patience. Also, what is that about your beating up some kid at
school? If you do that again, I will have to punish you."

Child to parent: "You just need to look closer and you will see that I did
pick up some stuff. As to that kid at school, he had it coming."

Parent to 14 year old: "I tried to look at your room, but the door was
locked. I am beginning to lose patience. Also, I heard something about your
doing drugs. Is there any truth to that?"

Child to parent: "Sorry, I forgot to open it. I will see what I can do. As
to the drugs, of course I am not doing that. How could you think so?"

Parent to 16 year old: "The room is still not cleaned. This is really
getting bad. Also, it was not fun going to the police station to bail you
out on the drug charges. That is unacceptable behavior and will not be
tolerated!"

Child to parent:" You really should inspect the room closer. I picked up
several items just yesterday. The charges are just trumped up accusations
from a member of the other gang."

News Break: "18 year old just cornered after armed robbery and murder. So
far it is a standoff, as there are hostages involved. The robbery seems to
be drug and gang related"

Parents to courtroom: "I can't imagine what happened. There were no prior
signs, and we always kept an eye out and enforced the rules."

I just hope we don't have to wonder what happened sometime in the future.

Me too.

Hey, Maybe the French and the Germans are acting like our educrats. "See, all little Saddam needs is a boost to his self esteem. He's not really bad. We just need to understand where he's coming from. He's just expressing himself. He'll grow out of it."

Thanks to all you fine readers who wrote for me tonight. I'll be thinking of you as I'm drinking wine. I'm just sorry it will be French.

Two Views on Iraq

I ain't gonna do it! Hold me back! It's Monday, which means that the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation has published another inane column by Molly Ivins. I have a policy that I fisk her no more than once a month and even though the current column is prime fisking fodder, I'm skipping it. I ain't gonna break my rule!

So instead, I present two different points of view:

This one is by someone who has actually met Saddam Hussein and has seen his evil first hand. Just one excerpt so I can make a joke.

As recently as October, Abu Nidal, a notorious terrorist living in Baghdad, allegedly committed suicide by firing six bullets into his own head. Could it be that his presence was too vivid a link for Saddam's connections with terrorists?

Worst damn case of suicide I've ever seen.

Read the entire thing. It is an eye opener. Would that the peaceniks could see the horror of Saddam's regime first hand. And, speaking thereof, I have another musician to put on my shit list: Bonnie Raitt. She was one of the useful idiots at the peace demonstration in San Francisco. Fortunately, I never liked any of her music. And I heard the peace demonstration turned a little violent. How ironic.

This one is by the Grand Kleagle of the KKK, Senator Robert Byrd. He took time out from doling pork to West Virginia and helping Tommy Dasshole obstruct business in the Senate to explain why we should leave Saddam Hussein in power. And, as is typical with the Dimocrats, he only says what we're doing wrong, but offers no reasonable alternatives.

This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world.

Holy shit! He got that right! This is the beginning of WWIII. Actually 9/11 was the beginning. It is a war between civilization and radical Islam. But he totally misunderstands what's going on. He's probably still grieving for his poor dog, Billy.

This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of pre-emption --- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future --- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self-defense.

Nope, Mr. Grand Kleagle. It is not a war of pre-emption. It is a continuation of the first Gulf War. Saddam did not honor what he agreed to to save his sorry ass back then. He is creating weapons of mass destruction. He has supported terrorism. The most blatant example is giving $25,000 to the families of homicide bombers. We are at war with radical Islam and it comes from the Middle East. As I've said many times, we did not start this war, but we will finish it!

It appears to be in contravention of international law and the U.N. Charter. And it is being tested at a time of worldwide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our --- or some other nation's --- hit list.

Fuck international law! That didn't do much good when Iran took our diplomats hostage in violation of international law. Where was international law then? And fuck the UN! It's a useless body of fkwits! And as for other nations being on our hit list I quote the President, "In the war on terror, you are either with us or against us." Listen Bob, the only thing these wackos understand is force. Anything else is interpreted as weakness. They saw what a cowardly pussy Bill Clinton was and that enboldened them to attack us on 9/11.

High-level administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq.

I don't have a problem with that. Anyone have a problem with that?

What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of many nations so closely together?

Particularly since our 'allies' France and Germany have probably been selling Saddam materials to produce weapons. And yeah, the Middle East is really stable, isn't it. The quicker we get it on, the quicker we can finish it. And remember, the winners get to write history.

There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances,

To quote Tom Lehrer back in the 60's, 'Our current friends, France, and our traditional friends, Germany ...'

and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation.

So let's end the speculation and get it on!

Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once-solid alliance against global terrorism that existed after Sept. 11.

GMAFB! Bob, you've finally crossed over into total dementia! I didn't realize your dog dying would push you over the edge. What 'once-solid alliance against global terrorism' are you talking about?

This administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling and name-calling . . . .

He must be talking about Rummy calling France and Germany old Europe. Whassa matter? Does the truth hurt? And we've done more diplomacy than the Frogs and Krauts deserve.

We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone.

We're not. We've got England and Australia. And the Eastern European countries are on our side also. It's just the axis of weasels that are dragging their feet.

Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland that severely damages our economy.

So we do nothing. Give peace a chance. Kumbaya. That's what got us into this mess you senile old bastard!

Our military manpower is already stretched thin

And you know why. Because you fucking Dimocrats and Bill Clinton gutted the military!

and we will need the augmenting support of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on.

Yeah, like we really want French troops. I guess we could send them into Baghdad to teach the Iraqis the proper way to surrender. By the way, how many French troops would it take to defend Paris? Dunno! It's never been done. Bob, you oughta start reading den Beste. Our military is so far advanced beyond the other NATO countries that about the only use we would have for their troops (other that the Brits) would be for cannon fodder.

The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region.

And your solution would be ... ? Oh, I forgot. He's a Dimocrat. He only knows how to complain and obstruct. He has no solutions.

We have not found Osama bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land.

Here he falls back on the Dimocrat ploy of defining the war on terrorism as catching bin Laden. Bob, bin Laden is dead. He's buried somewhere in the rubble of Afghanistan. And how do we secure the peace in Afghanistan? Once again, he doesn't say.

One can understand the anger and shock of any president after the savage attacks of Sept. 11.

Yeah, but if Algore or Bill Clinton were president, we would probably still be negotiating with the Taliban. I'm sure Jimmy Carter could have arranged sumpin'. Jesse Jackson wanted to negotiate with 'em.

One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly impossible to exact retribution.

They left you out of the strategy meeting. We're gonna crush Iraq and any other pissant country that sponsors terrorism. And we're gonna extract retribution big time, if only senile old bastards like you would just STFU!

But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet.

Yes and the message we're sending is do not fuck with us! And I, for one, am glad we have people like Rummy, Condi, Cheney, and President Bush to say 'We're sick of this bullshit! If you fuck with us, we will fuck you over big time!'

Just shut up and mourn for your dog Billy.

We'll take care of the terrorists without your help.

Addison Checks In

One of my long time readers is a guy named Addison. Every now and then he posts a comment that puts whatever I had just written to shame. I've told him he should just start his own blog, but he said he doesn't have the time. He made the following comment on my fisk of a Jay Bookman column:

As to Jay's column, he is, unfortunately (as I see it), toeing the exact same liberal/Leftist line seen elsewhere. First, he showcases the now infamous moving-of-the-goalposts, as is so revered by bumper-sticker logic liberals the world over. Initially, they were against war. Now, given that they see that their illogical arguments, high on emotion/low on substance, have made no difference on the Administration's stance, they accept that war will happen (that's putting up the good fight, guys) and move the "goalposts" to reframe the argument. While there is definite overlap in terms of the time at which these arguments were made, the two major stages of anti-war (and their respective progress) I have noticed are:

Part I - Almost Legitimate Questions

Hussein is no threat to the US or the world

Okay, so he is a threat, Mr. Powell, but you cannot do this unilaterally

So, you always had Britain and Australia along for the ride? Huh, then, by George, I'll re-define "unilateral" as "US, UK, and Australia".

So what 18 European countries signed on to support the US? I'll just re-define "unilateral" to mean "an infinite number of countries excepting France, Germany, Russia, and China--all bastions of hope, prosperity, and integrity them." So, how you like them apples? This said, as Den Beste would say in a "Ha, Ha, only serious" way.

In Private--"Who cares what France and Germany have to say? They cannot actually stop the US unless the US allows them to stop them--with words." Let's reframe the argument again:

Part II - Conspiracy Theory and Lunacy

Bush wants an empire

Okay, if he doesn't want an empire (because he could have crushed any country in the world by now had he really had imperialist motives), he wants the oil

If he doesn't want the oil (because a flooding of the market of cheap foreign oil only hurts US oil companies' stock prices and makes his Texan friends poorer, not wealthier), he wants to murder millions of innocent Iraqis (flirting with Chomsky/Vidal-promoted Baran-Wallerstein Revisionist Theory of Marxism paranoid delusion at this point)

Presently: If he doesn't want the above (he could have reduced the whole of Iraq to a glass sheet by now, too)...well, then the US cannot be trusted with a post-war Iraq.

See how that works? They keep changing the baseline so the argument fits their way, rather than reality's way.

Frankly, post-war Iraq, while important for humanitarian reasons and destroying the status quo of the region, is not even the main objective of this potential war--it's a bonus. The reason for military action is to destroy any and all means of weapons production in Iraq. What comes after (liberation of the Iraqis, shaking up the region--a wonderful bonus that cannot be underestimated, and building a new Iraqi government) should not be limits on the prior (i.e., a war to disarm Saddam). The potential chaos from not disarming Saddam Hussein (his taking over the region and/or blackmailing the world with nuclear weapons) far outweighs potential missteps made by the US coalition after his death/departure.

My rambling aside: And even after all that, Jay's article actually had no advice or solutions, only criticism. He's dangerously close to Maureen Dowd terrority--that is, writing articles that make no stance, offer no advice, and have no point. Thus making the articles inherently difficult to disparage and critique...how do you criticize nothingness?

Addison, by the way is an engineer. We engineers do have logical thought processes.

Useful Idiots

Well, I guess Saddam is sitting in one of his palaces chuckling away at all the useful idiots who protested this weekend. I was gonna do a righteous rant about the stupidity of the protestors, but the more I read, the less pissed off I got and the sadder I became. I'm sad because there are just so many fucking stupid people on this planet. The only thing that would convince some of these clueless bastards of the pure evil that is Saddam and his regime is if we were to ship them off to Baghdad to show them what Saddam was really like, but some of them are so incredibly stupid they would probably pull a Fisk and say the Iraqis were justified into torturing and beating the crap out of them.

Let's see whom we got.

''Just because you have the biggest gun does not mean you must use it,'' Martin Luther King III told demonstrators as he stood before an enormous banner reading: ''The World Says No To War.''

Yeah, and just because you have a brain doesn't mean you have to use it you fucking idiot. Go out and get a job rather than living off your father's legacy, you asshole!

''Peace! Peace! Peace!'' Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa said as he walked from a church service to a meeting at the United Nations. ''Let America listen to the rest of the world --- and the rest of the world is saying, 'Give the inspectors time.'''

STFU!, says anyone with a functioning brain. We don't want to listen to the rest of the world. This is not about inspections, it is about Saddam disarming, which he hasn't done. He is in violation of 1441. I think we need to send in about 250,000 heavily armed inspectors.

''We Germans in particular have a duty to do everything to ensure that war --- above all a war of aggression --- never again becomes a legitimate means of policy,'' shouted Friedrich Schorlemmer, a Lutheran pastor and former East German pro-democracy activist.

And if anyone should know about wars of agression it should be a German.

In Los Angeles, actors Martin Sheen and Mike Farrell and director Rob Reiner were among the thousands of chanting marchers who filled Hollywood Boulevard from curb to curb for four blocks.

Hi. My name is Martin Sheen, and even though I play the president on television, in real life I am a stupid fucking idiot.

Hi. My name is Mike Farrell. I am against war and capital punishment, but I am pro-abortion. I firmly believe in killing the innocent and protecting the guilty.

Hi. My name is Rob Reiner. You may know me as Meathead from the old All in the Family TV series. Guess what? I am a meathead.

Martin Sheen again.

''None of us can stop this war. . . . There is only one guy that can do that and he lives in the White House,'' said Sheen, who plays a U.S. president on NBC's ''The West Wing.''

No, you booger eatin' moh-ron, the guy who can stop it lives in Baghdad! All he has to do is honor the commitment he made at the end of the Gulf War to disarm. I'm glad you only play a president. Don't know how well you do it since I never have and never will watch your stupid program, the Left Wing.

Whatever happened to the old Hollywood, where we had stars we could actually admire rather than these America hating communists? I'm glad that none of these assholes were around during WWII.

I saw a neat sign a pro-American had. He was standing next to a guy with a sign saying 'Give Peace A Chance'. His sign said, 'We Tried That With Hitler'.

And finally from Baghdad:

''Our swords are out of their sheaths, ready for battle,'' read one of hundreds of banners carried by marchers along Palestine Street, a broad Baghdad avenue.

You guys are gonna need more than swords, bucko.

Jay's Pyrrhic Column

Jay Bookman, one of the resident liberals on the editorial staff of the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation, weighed in on Thursday about our upcoming war against Iraq. And, please, let it happen soon so the stock market would quit tanking. Anyway, Jay, once described his politics this way:

But the rightward lurch of the GOP inspired by Ronald Reagan left me stranded. To paraphrase the Gipper, I didn't leave the Republican Party, it left me.

I'm afraid he must be talking about the Republican Party of Lenin, since Jay is actually to the left of Cynthia Tucker.

Here are some of Jay's thoughts:

American victory against Iraq would be assured. Much as we may try to talk Saddam Hussein up as a major military threat, the truth is he can't even fly a jet over his own airspace without getting it shot to pieces.

Then let's get it on!

However, the cost of that American victory would be immense. Already, the mere prospect of war may have permanently split NATO, long our core alliance, and driven France, Germany and Russia to form what amounts to an anti-U.S. "coalition of the unwilling."

And they will also be a 'coalition of the unwilling' with whom we will be unwilling to share in Iraqi oil contracts.

War itself will cost us much more. A revealing glimpse into the burdens and responsibilities we will incur by invading Iraq is available in a recent report co-sponsored by the James A. Baker III Institute for Foreign Policy and the Council on Foreign Relations.

"There should be no illusions that the reconstruction of Iraq will be anything but difficult, confusing and dangerous for everyone involved," concludes the report, which then goes on to detail just how complex things will get.

Oh? Pray, enlighten us.

> "A U.S.-led attack on Iraq threatens to be a traumatic event throughout the Muslim world. In the Arab world especially, there is a serious risk that war in Iraq will stir up further trouble for the United States, including terrorist attacks against the United States and its partners."

So, if we do nothing there will be no terrorist attacks? Have these people been talking to Babs? This is the dumbest argument of all. The only thing these assholes understand is force. Here's an example.

There was a report years ago of how Hizballah would terrorize interests of both the United States and of the Soviet Union. The United States never solved their problem in any adequate fashion. As a result, Americans were kidnapped for long duration in Lebanon, keeping a thorn in the side of the United States. The Soviets solved their problems immediately and efficiently.

In one case, a Soviet was kidnapped by the terrorists. The KGB responded by kidnapping a relative of a high ranking Hizballah official, killed him, cut his testicles off, stuffed his testicles into his mouth, and sent his body home to his relatives. Within no time, the kidnapped Soviet was released and unharmed.

But back to Jay and the report he's citing.

> "Refugee flows toward Turkey and especially Iran of up to 1.5 million people are likely."

Turkey concerns me. As for Iran? Fuck 'em!

> "Strong U.S. backing for an emergency government will be needed to fill the vacuum left by Saddam. Without an initial and broad-based commitment to law and order, the logic of score-settling and revenge-taking will reduce Iraq to chaos."

As opposed to the stability and beneficent rule of Saddam and his two funloving sons.

> "If a large-scale, prolonged U.S. occupation of Iraq becomes necessary, or if the United States appears to be taking over Iraq's oil sector, guerrilla attacks against U.S. military personnel guarding oil installations are likely."

Might happen, but if we can do for Iraq, what we did for Japan and Germany after WWII it will be worth that risk.

> "Leaving aside immediate humanitarian needs, experts estimate that reconstruction will cost between $25 billion and $100 billion. . . . rebuilding Iraq's electrical power infrastructure could cost $20 billion to restore its pre-1990 capacity."

Sure is a good thing Iraq has all that oil. Oil revenues should cover that plus it will be a jobs bonanza for the Iraqis.

> "There has been a great deal of wishful thinking about Iraqi oil, including a widespread belief that oil revenues will help defray war costs and the expense of rebuilding the Iraqi state and economy. . . . If no facilities were damaged, Iraq's total oil revenues would still only likely average around $10 billion to $12 billion annually."

So we're gonna do all the reconstruction in one year? $10 to $12 billion a year oughta be able to cover a five to ten year reconstruction plan, which is probably how long it will take.

The report is by no means intended as an argument against war.

Except to Jay, which is why he's quoting from it.

In addition, the report assumes a couple of things that may not prove valid. First, it accepts as highly unlikely that Iraqi officials will blow up hundreds of oil wells as they retreat, as they did in Kuwait in the Gulf War. To me, that optimism seems, well, optimistic.

From what I've heard, we already have assets on the ground in Iraq to prevent just that scenario.

If the panel's assumption proves incorrect, the report concedes that it "could leave Iraq's population of 23 million largely dependent on international donor aid and could portend a humanitarian crisis of unprecedented proportions."

Which is why I think we're gonna seize the oilfields first.

The report, which was published Jan. 16, also assumes that the United States will be able to draw broad international support and U.N. assistance to support its effort in Iraq. Today, a month later, that level of support seems unlikely.

But, it is not necessary and if it proves that the U.N. is irrelevant and is nothing more than a recycled League of Nations then this will be a win/win scenario. The U.N. is nothing more than a forum for anti-Americanism. Fuck 'em!

If that support is not forthcoming, the report warns that "future difficulties are bound to quickly overshadow any initial military success. Put simply, the United States may lose the peace, even if it wins the war."

As opposed to the 'peace' we have now.

That warning suggests the story told by the ancient historian Plutarch about a Greek king named Pyrrhus who was fighting the Romans in 279 B.C.

Jay read Plutarch? I'm impressed.

Congratulated after a costly victory, Pyrrhus replied, "One more victory like this will be the end of me."

So, in Jay's opinion we should do ... what? He doesn't say. He just says that what he thinks we are planning is wrong, but offers no alternatives.

Don't you sometimes wish there were Pyrrhic columns for liberals? I would love to hear Jay say,

One more column like this will be the end of me.

Babs Continues

No fair! Dadgummit! I do a piece on bitch slapping Hollywood fkwits (and I fergot to bitch slap Mr Gerbil, Richard Gere), and damned if Ann Coulter doesn't do do a better job and put my puny efforts to shame. I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

So in an attempt to redeem myself, I'm posting another fax from Babs that my spy in her mansion sent me.

From:Barbra Streisand
To: Nanette Papoose, Minority Speaker of the Congriss

Nichole, I'm really sorry I had to cut my last fax short, but Jim was bugging me to get in the hot tub with him, and quite frankly, I need all the action I can get, and he's not in the mood nearly as much as I would like. I keep telling him to get that Niagra drug, but he says he doesn't need it.

Someone told me that there are two new magazines out and one of them has you on the cover and the other one has that cute Alec Baldwin on the cover. I sent my maid, Conchita, out looking for them, but since she is not too good with English, all she brought back was a National Enquirer and a Star. Have you seen either of those magazines? (Editor's note: The magazines Babs is referring to are here and here. - GOC)

Anyway, I want to finish up my deep thoughts that I posted on my web site. I only did half of them in my last fax. I want to talk about the rest of them in this fax. ( Editor's note: They are here. - GOC)

7. Why now? For 11 years (without attacking the United States) Saddam Hussein has been defying U.N. resolutions, as many countries have. Since writing these questions last September, the international community is now faced with a prime example of this situation, with North Korea defying multilateral nuclear proliferation treaties. The Bush administration’s response has been a policy of containment. Why the double standard? Could this be because North Korea doesn’t have oil? I mean, if this were important, Bill Clinton would have taken care of it. And since we don't seem to worry too much about North Korea, all we have to do is wait until Sadman Hussane gets nuclear weapons and then we won't have to worry about him. But, if we discover oil in North Korea, that will change everything.

8. If we preemptively attack Iraq, will Iraq strike Israel who will then retaliate, leading to the Arab world responding, which will set off the powder keg in the entire Middle East and will disrupt the continuity of some Arab nations Mr. Bush counts among his allies? And what will happen to that quite little Yasir Araphat? He's married to that nice lady Soohoo or Sowhat, or whatever her name is. I know she is a nice lady cause Hillary kissed her after she made some speech about Israeli terrorists poisoning wells. If Hillary likes her she must be OK because Hillary is the smartest woman in the world. She sure is lucky being married to Bill. And she has that cute little daughter Chelsee. And I don't know why they called Bill the first black president. Look at Chelsey. Oy vey! The nose! She's gotta be Jewish, so that makes Bill the first Jewish president, right?

9. Is there really an alliance between Iraq and Al Qaeda, since one society is secular and one is fundamentalist? (I've read that bin Laden had issued a Fatwa calling Hussein an apostate who needs to be destroyed.) Isn't secular a neat word? I'm not really sure what it means, but I heard Phil Donahue use this argument, and, golly, Phil is always right. I just don't understand why no one watches him on TV. And what is a Fatwa? Is it like a wedgie?

10. What is the responsibility of a powerful nation to follow the rule of international law? ... We should be setting an example for the rest of the world. I agree with that cute Woody Harrelson. We should cut our military budget and disarm. We should give peace a chance. As soon as Osamba Been Latent sees that we really mean no harm and we just want to be friends, he will leave us alone. In the words of that poor victim of police brutality Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"

11. Will Hussein give weapons of mass destruction to Al Qaeda? (I’ve read Hussein would be afraid to ... because if Al Qaeda obtained weapons of mass destruction, one of their first targets would be Iraq). And anyway, Hussing doesn't have weapons of mass destruction. If he had, the inspectors would have found them by now. And anyway, France wants to triple the number of weapons inspectors. They still won't find anything. After all, France, Germany and Belgium have told us that we have nothing to worry about.

12. What will be the increased terrorist threat to the United States as a result of going to war with Iraq? After all, al Qayda, might be upset, because they wouldn't get to use the weapons of mass destruction that Samdam gave them on Sadoom, who they don't like and might have to use them on us just to make sure they don't go to waste.

Natalie, I hope my thoughts have helped clarify things for you. Feel free to use any of these next time you get to make a speech in the Senate. I am really happy that you are there to make a difference.

Gotta go! Federal Express is here. I ordered some of those blue Vigrow pills and I think that's them. I'm gonna crush one up and slip it in Jim's wine at dinner. I just might get lucky tonight.

Luv ya,
Babs

Hollywood Bitch Slapping

What is it about those assholes in Hollywood that makes them think they are qualified to pontificate on global affairs? And when did they all turn into America hating communists? They're so fucking stupid that they don't realize in a communist society the only thing they'd be qualified to do is sweep streets and clean out toilets. Now there's a neat mental picture, Barbra Streisand on her knees scrubbing out a toilet.

So let's start with Babs. I remember her talking about how Bill Clinton had given her a book with the writings of Jefferson and she was totally fascinated. Yeah, you stupid twit, if you had read or absorbed any of the writings you would have realized that Jefferson believed in a small central gummint with most of the powers devolving to the states. That was the basis of his ongoing feud with John Adams. Adams was a staunch federalist. If Jefferson were to cone back today, he would not recognize the Dimocratic Party. Hell, he wouldn't recognize the federal gummint. And, Jesus, Babs, when you send out your stupid faxes, learn how to spell. Whap!

Alec Baldwin. Alec, have you done anything lately besides hosting Saturday Night Live? And do you still beat Kim? Oh she left your sorry ass? Everytime you open your mouth all that comes out is stupid twaddle. Will you just leave the country fer chrissake? Whap!

George Clooney. Now here is a real fuckwit! Hey George, instead of talking about not bombing Iraq, why don't you talk about not making movies that bomb. Maybe we should just drop your last two bombs on Iraq. And I especially like what Stanley Kaufmann, the movie critic for The New Republic wrote about George Clooney, and the director of Solaris, Steven Soderbergh in his review of that turkey.

In the film world Clooney and Soderbergh are now two of the most powerful figures. Over a century ago Lord Acton noted that power corrupts: now we learn that one of power's possible corruptions is high-minded vacuity.

High minded vacuity. I love it. Whap!

Woody Harrelson. What an idiot! A few months agao, I started fisking that stupid article he wrote for the Guardian and I had to stop because I just couldn't comprehend how his brain worked. In a case of life imitating art, Woody is actually dumber than the character he played in Cheers. Woody, stay in England. Better yet, move to Baghdad. Saddam is looking for a few good human shields and you would fit the job description perfectly. Whap!

Susan Sarandon. Loved her in Rocky Horror Picture Show. One of the best lines I ever heard was it would have been nice to have saved the car in the movie Thelma and Louise, but still have kept the happy ending. Anyway, she was whining about people calling her anti-American when she was being, well, anti-American. Susan, you are a twit. Whap!

Ed Asner. C'mon Ed. You're done. Your career is over. Grant Tinker said it best:

Unfortunately, Ed Asner has the image of Lou Grant and the brain of Ed Asner.

Amen. Whap!

Sean Penn. Poor Sean is suing Steve Bing saying his opposition to the war in Iraq cost him a job. Bing is counter-suing Sean saying he's trying to extort money from him. Gotta admire Bing. He got to nail Liz Hurley. Whine away Sean, you overgrown brat! Whap!

Madonna. The material slut. I hear she's making an antiwar video. BFD! Does anyone really care about Madonna anymore? And if so, why? Whap!

Danny Glover. Now here's a hypocrite. He says he deplores violence, but has made four Lethal Weapon movies. Practice what you preach you asshole! Whap!

I could go on and on but I want to go to bed sometime tonight. I remember when Hollywood used to be filled with patriots rather than hate America ccommunists.

Maybe instead of boycotting French and German products we might want to start boycotting Hollywood products.

Assholes!

I Enlighten Michel

Before I start, I have some links to share.

My sis' neighbor sent me a video of a member of the Iraqi dive team. I tried to load it up on my site with no success. Rachel Lucas told me, it would have eaten up too much bandwidth and she had a place to park it for me. I since found out where it came from, but I am linking to Rachel's site. Enjoy! If you are on a dialup, it may take a while to load. Swallow all liquids before viewing!

I got this link in my mail today. Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, Madonna, Sheryl Crow, Dave Matthews, Danny Gover, Woody Harrelson, and all of you other blame America first assholes hang your heads in shame. This is an example of the real America and real Americans that you people look down on. Fuckwits!

And, courtesy of Rantburg, The Complete Military History of France.

As long as we're talking about the French, I got a comment a few posts ago by Michel. Now, I'm gonna give Michel the benefit of the doubt and reprint his comment. He may not be a troll. He may just not understand what is going on. I'm even going to clean up some of his spelling and grammar so he doesn't think I'm trying to make fun of him.

I'm French. I have lived in the US for 20 years now. I love this country.
I love this country because I think it is the best manifestation of democracy (actually, Michel, it is a republic - GOC) on this planet.

Dont let Bush spit on your flag.

Yeah, he's probably a troll, but let's see if I can clarify a few things for him.

This does not allow it to rule the world.

Do you know how tired I am of listening to fuckwits say that we want to rule the world or that we want to build an American empire? At the end of World War II, we were the only nation with nuclear weapons. Do you think if we had wanted to rule the world that would have been when we would have done it? But what did we do? We went home. We scaled back our military. And we provided the money to rebuild Europe. This was the Marshall Plan. We rebuilt Japan. And we spent billions defending Europe from the Soviet Union while Europe was spending billions on social programs. And France still owes us money from World War II.

And another problem with the empire scenario, is look at our history. We gave the Phillippines independence. We have given Puerto Rico the option of independence, statehood, or remaining a protectorate. We haven't done such a hot job of building an empire so far.

War was declared on us on 9/11. Eight years of Clinton made Islamic fanatics think that the entire nation was a bunch of cowards, just like Bill Clinton. Like WWI and WWII, we did not start the war. But we will finish it!

In this land of freedom of speech, I can't see in news papers, on television, and even on the street, nothing but one point of view, one idea, one way.

Michel, you have not been paying attention. Don't you read the New York Times or the Washington Post (or the San Francisco Chronicle, LA Times, etc.)?
Haven't you been listening to the chattering from those mighty minds from Hollywood? Haven't you been listening to people like Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy (when he's awake or sober), Tom Dasshole, Noam Chomsky, and all the other hate America leftists? We tolerate dissent in this country. Yeah, they're booger eatin' moh-rons, but we value our freedom of speech in this country.

It has already happened before. It was called McCarthism.

When we convene a House UnAmerican Affairs Committee and start hauling people up to testify before Congress then you can call it McCarthyism. Until then, STFU!

Don't let Bush spit on your flag.

Now there, he crossed the line. George Bush has not spit upon our flag! I can think of a whole bunch of people on the left (a certain draftdodging hillbilly comes to mind) who have.

We don't want to conquer the world. If we did, we passed up two great opportunities: the end of WWII and the end of the Cold War. And as for the French, yeah, they helped us in the Revolutionary War and we repaid that in WWI. We bailed them out in WWII and protected their sorry asses during the Cold War. What thanks do we get? Oh, by the way, do you want to buy a neat T-shirt?

Michel, what you and your sorry countrymen don't seem to realize is that we are at war with radical Islam. Your countrymen can try to appease the Islamofascists just like they tried to appease Hitler, but it will do no good. They understand one thing and one thing only:strength.

And just like WW1, WWII, and the Cold War it will be us unsophisticated Americans who will make the world safe for you cheese eating surrender monkeys.

And you'll still look down your snooty noses at us.

And because France is nothing but a pissant country, we still won't give a fuck!

Molly Hates CPAC

I realized I haven't fisked anything in a while, and when I got to the Opinion section of the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation, durned if I didn't see a column by Molly Ivins. Now, y'all in Texas, does anyone in your state take her seriously? Is she writing satire? Geez!

Normally, I don't bother to follow the doings of the far right. Having lived in Texas all these years, I figure I don't have much to learn on that score. But I was much struck by a report in Salon, the online magazine, on the recent conference of the Conservative Political Action Committee.

And as we all know, Salon is fair and balanced.

It sounded no more than usually loony to me

And if anyone should know loony, it would be Molly. She's fast approaching Helen Thomas loony.

-- equating Islam with fascism and terrorism,

Uh - Earth to Molly. 9/11. Osama bin Laden. al Qaeda. USS Cole. Embassies in Africa. What do these have in common? Radical Islam is fascism and terrorism. .

attacks on feminazis,

Called self defense. Isn't there sumpin' Martha Burk could do to benefit women rather than trying to get Augusta National (a private club) to admit a woman member?

the dread environmentalists,

Environazi's

family planning,

Abortion.

Harry Potter and other menaces to civilization.

If they're upset about Harry Potter, I'll give Molly that one.

No crazier than the John Birch Society or the militia movement I've known all these years.

Or PETA or the enviro fuckwits who put spikes in trees to injure loggers. There are crazies on both the left and the right.

But reporter Michelle Goldberg noted one striking difference: The conference was attended by people in power. Vice President Dick Cheney gave the keynote speech, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao spoke, as did House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, Senate Whip Mitch McConnell, Republican National Committee Chair Marc Racicot, etc.

Duh! CPAC is a Republican PAC. I guess it wasn't any more loony that the funeral in Minnesota that turned into a political rally. Y'know they missed one real good touch at that funeral. They needed to prop Wellstone up in his coffin and have him say "Vote for Fritz!"

"Most of the action took place in a ballroom on the second floor, where speakers lambasted liberals from a stage draped in red, white and blue, and backed by two American flags and two enormous video screens," reports Goldberg. "It was like a right-wing version of a Workers World rally, with one crucial difference. Workers World is a fringe group with no political power.

This sounds like all the Dimocratic rallies (like one in Minnesota) where Clinton would bash Republicans.

CPAC is explicitly endorsed by people running the country.

And this is wrong for what reason...?

Its attendees are Bush's shock troops,

Holy shit! It's the Bush Brownshirts! Run for the hills!

the ones who staged the white-collar riot during the Florida vote count

Ooops! It's the White Shirts with Pocket Protectors. The dreaded WSPP! It's the attack of the killer engineers! Hide the children Ethel! Damn Molly, that wasn't anywhere near as good a riot as any Dimocratic Party supportin' union could put on. There's actual head banging goin' on then.

and harassed Al Gore in the vice presidential mansion."

Poor Al!

Cheney told the crowd, "CPAC has consistently championed those ideas that make America great."

And what's wtong with that?

The great ideas that followed were Ann Coulter,

Yum! Yum!

who has to be one of the silliest woman in America,

- insert your own pot calling kettle black joke here -

attacking "the treason lobby" -- the Democratic Party -- whose platform "consists in breaking every one of the Ten Commandments." Aw, Ann, we're very big on "Honor thy father and thy mother."

Ya notice Molly didn't deny the Dims breaking the other nine? And I'm not real sure about the "Honor thy father and thy mother".

"To attend CPAC is to crash through the looking glass into a world where passionate worship of the president is part of a brave rebellion against government,

And the Dimocrats didn't worship Clinton for eight years? They defended the most corrupt president this country has ever seen. And they still kneel before him (yes I really mean that) because he can raise so much money.

where Sweden is a hellish dystopia

It's getting there fast.

and Tom Daschle a diehard Marxist," Goldberg observes.

Yeah Tommy Dasshole, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, just to name a few, are Marxists.

"It's to realize that despite the conservative hold on the White House, the Congress and the Supreme Court, and the utter dejection among Democrats, right-wingers still fancy themselves to be an embattled minority facing an army of wily, ruthless leftists, whom they hate with the righteous fury of the downtrodden."

Amen to that! Ever vigilant. The Dims haven't given up. Haven't you been listening to Hitlary? And don't forget the leftwing bias of the lamestream media.

Environmentalists apparently stir strange passions on the right.

For a real good reason.

"For CPACers, standing up to environmentalists is not merely a matter of opposing regulations seen as onerous. Rather, they've framed it as a creationism-style holy war.

Probably because the envirowacko's look at what they are doing as a creationism-style holy war.

David Riggs, who runs the anti-environmentalist Green Watch project at the Capitol Resource Center, took to the stage to the sound of jungle roars and declared that ‘environmentalism has nothing to do with bunnies and bambis. It's about destroying free enterprise and private property.'

Which is what Kyoto would do.

Floyd Brown of the Young America's Foundation announced, ‘A lot of people who used to claim their color was red now claim their color is green.'"

Can't disagree with that.

I've been red-baited by better people than that, but I do think it's a bit much to smear all the turtle-savers, bird-watchers, backpackers and nature-lovers with trying to destroy free enterprise and private property. Get a grip, people.

No some of them are stupid idealists, others are just stupid, and the rest do want to destroy free enterprise and private property. The Republicans do not want to poison the air and the water and destroy the environment like the envirowackos, and the Dimocratic Party say. They're the ones who need to get a grip!

The nastiness of right-wing paranoia is not a new story, but the creepy resemblance of the current crop of true believers to the Leninists of yesteryear is genuinely troubling. Haters are always a menace, and those who turn political differences into jihads are not helping this country.

How ironic that she is comparing Republicans to Leninists, while the real Leninists (Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and the loony left wing of the Dimocratic Party) are just as guilty as what she is accusing the Republicans of. This is Molly's world. She just lets us live in it.

For a refreshing look at the perfect absurdity of the right's obsession with "liberal media," I recommend Eric Alterman's new book "What Liberal Media? The Truth About Bias and the News." (Obligatory disclaimer: I know Eric, and I think his daughter is adorable.)

I guess since his daughter is adorable, the book must be factual? I recommend Bernard Goldberg's Bias. Does he have a daughter? And, if so, is she adorable? Of course there is a leftwing bias in the media. Compare the press' treatment of the Bush daughters to that of the Gore children. Did you know that little Al was busted for pot? Chelsea's got quite a play in the British tabloids, but nary a peep from the American press. The reason liberals don't think there is bias in the media is because they think they are in the center. You always hear about the far right of the Republican Party. You never hear about the far left of the Dimocratic Party, do you?

Alterman is an excellent writer and a Ph.D.-trained researcher. But you don't have to be either to know that what he points out is all but self-evident. He questions why the media have been so complaisant in the face of "the deeply ignorant and dishonest conservative offensive" and diagnoses a case of media masochism.

GMAFB! I just diagnose a case of massive bullshit!

Hey, a business that can produce an hour of investigative journalism on the subject of Michael Jackson's face surely has nothing to beat it itself up about.

That's the best line of the whole column! I agree! I guess even a blind squirrel can find an acorn every once in a while.

But seriously. Can't someone in Texas do sumpin' about Molly? Maybe take her and Ann Richards and put 'em in a home for dried up disgruntled Dimocrats.

We don't need another Helen Thomas.

Human Shield Tour

Are you a mindless vapid entertainer who wants to give peace a chance? Do you hate the United States and think it is the cause of all the problems in the world? Do you think that Hillary Clinton is the smartest woman in the world? Do you think Rosie O'Donnell isn't a man? Do you hate nuclear power? Do you think that George Bush was selected, not elected? Do you think that Bill Clinton was the best president this country has ever had? Do you think that this thing with Iraq is all about oil? Do you think that Jimmy Carter should be sent to Iraq to negotiate?

If you answered yes to any of those questions do we have a deal for you. Leaving on February 15 is the Human Shield Tour of Iraq. Included in the tour:

Deluxe accomodations at the Saddam Hussein Best Eastern Hotel for 21 glorious nights. (Trip may be extended due to airspace filled with US military aircraft)

A complimentary copy of the Guardian delivered to your room every morning.

Daily meals included. Breakfast will be at the hotel. All other meals will be at one of Saddam's palaces. You haven't lived until you've tasted grilled goat!

Daily tours of baby food factories, fake military emplacements, and fake chemical and biological factories.

Possible nightly fireworks displays around February 28.

A personal audience with Saddam Hussein (or one of his many doubles).

A chance to mingle with celebrities like Susan Sarandon, Dave Matthews, Sean Penn, Woody Harrelson, Mike Farrell, and other well known entertainers. Who knows? There may be some surprise guests, like Barbra Streisand or Michael Moore.

So, what are you waiting for?

The trip is free!!!!

All expenses will be paid by the people of Iraq.

A valid passport is required. A functional brain is not.

Send your name and address to S. Hussein, Iraq for your free tickets.

We look forward to seeing you.

Wash Them Turbans

Well this is just special! I go skiing and my site hits go up. I come home and write about my trip and hits go down. I do a Fax From Babs, and they go down even more. And I only got one comment on my Babs piece and that was from my sister!

Awright! You asked for it. I gotta go for some gratuitous ethnic humor. If anyone was wondering about the Bush wash day image Rachel Lucas was talking about, here it is.

Brian! Don't look!

Still More From Babs

While I was on vacation, it's nice to see that Babs' fax machine wasn't. Here's her latest.

From: Barbra Streisand
To: Nancy Palooka, Home Minority Leader

Naomi: You go girl! Finallly we have a woman in a position of authority! I can hardly wait until you become Speaker of the Home. You sure do look a lot better than that Donald Hatshirt fella. And who did your surgery? He did a fantastic job! You don't look a day over 60! I was just thinking. You and Ted Kennedy would make a really cute couple.

But enough of the girl talk. I'm really worried about the upcoming war with Irack and I posted some of these concerns on my web site, myname dot com.
(editors's note: Here is the link - GOC)

1. How many body bags does the military expect to send home to America? I mean, do we even have a body bag industry anymore? Won't we have to get them from South America or somewhere like that? And won't they come from sweatshops?

2. What is the cost of the war in billions of dollars? One advisor to the president estimates the war would cost up to $200 billion, but he was quickly replaced by a more conservative successor. Golly! We should just gove peace a chance. Why don't we offer Sadman Husayne $100 billion dollars to be nice and then we wouldn't have to go to war.

3. Are there estimates for how long American troops would have to stay there? Are they remotely realistic? A lot of knowledgeable people predict a very long and expensive haul. I mean, look how long it took us in Afganastan. We've been there forever!

4. What are the costs in civilian lives and social and environmental destruction (i.e. is Saddam going to burn oil fields again)? As you know, I give a lot of money to environmental causes so that makes me very knowledgeable about the environment, so if Samdam does blow up oil wells, I know I'll have to give a lot more money for that. Maybe Ted Turner can help. He's moving to Florida so he doesn't have to pay state income taxes, so maybe he can donate the money he saves to the environment. I don't understand why he doesn't like to pay taxes. I love it! It's my duty as an American.

5. How much of this war is about oil? I'm sure if we ask real nice Samsam will sell us all the oil we need. We don't need to go to war. And anyway, we should be able to create enough energy using the sun, the wind, and the moon. WE don't need all this oil. That's what Ralph Nadir told me.

6. How much of this war is a vendetta against "the man who tried to kill my dad"? I don't understand this because no one tried to kill my dad, but Michael More told me this so it must be true. Don't you think he should go on a diet? Not my dad, Michael Moore.

Well, Norma, I have a lot of other questions, but it's time for Jim and I to get in the hot tub. I sure hope that you will answer this fax as, for some reason, Dork Gotfart, Tim Dashhole, and Jimmy Looberman haven't replied to the faxes that I sent them.

Luv ya,
Babs

Awesome

Is awesome the main word that generation y'ers use? I just got back from skiing in Breckenridge Colorado and that word was constantly used by the 20 somethings on our trip and by the 20 something ski instructors.

Wait a minute! You're a cripple right? How can you ski?

Elementary, snowbreath. I use a mono-ski.

Whazzat?

In my case, they mount a bucket like chair (which is a real bitch to get in and out of) on top of a ski. I then use two outriggers, which are poles with little skis on the ends for balance, braking, and steering. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had to get up at five o'clock last Thursday morning to get to the airport for an eight o'clock flight to Denver. On the plane there were two things that annoyed me and I have suggestions for both of them.

Memo to the airline industry:

Listen up assholes. Why don't you take a cue from the churches and have a crying section on the plane? Put the screaming, seat kicking brats at the back of the plane behind some plexiglass so I don't have to listen to the little rugrats bawl and put up with them kicking the back of my seat.

Raise the price of alcoholic beverages to $5 so the flight attendants don't have to waste so much time making change. Or run it like a regular business and give them a stash of $1 bills.

Anyway, we got to Denver and rode up to Breckenridge in a couple of vans. That's when I started hearing the word awesome used over and over again by the younger members of our group.

"Look at those mountains!"

"Awesome!"

We stayed at the The Village at Breckenridge.

Where am I?

In the Village.

Who are you?

The new Number 2.

Who is Number 1?

You are Number 6.

I am not a number! I am a free man!

Oops, wrong village.

The Village is located at the base of the mountain very close to the ski lift up Silverthorne run. After we checked in (We had some problens with our rooms that I'm not gonna detail, but, a wonderful lady named Vanessa got everything under control. Memo to self: Write letter to Village about Vanessa), we had to get over to BOEC to get fitted up for our eguipment. Check it out! There's a picture of a guy on a mono-ski on their homepage.

Some of us used a mono-ski and some used a bi-ski, which is a bucket like seat mounted on two skis. Bi-skis are for people with injuries higher up the spine who do not have good torso muscles. On both rigs, the seat has to be balanced properly on the ski(s). The outriggers need to be adjusted to the proper length. The skier also needs to be properly balanced in the chair, which is done with padding. The whole process took about thirty minutes.

That night we all ate at a Mexican restaurant across from the Village.

Friday morning we were off to the slopes. I was scared shitless! I met my instructor, the German (that's what all the other instructors called him) whose real name was Peter and he was from Germany. He showed me how we were gonna get on the lift (There is a way to raise the chair higher above the ski so it is at lift level. Then we request a slowdown and a pullback. The lift operator slows the lift, it comes up under my seat, and he pulls me back on the lift.) and we did it. We were going up the mountain. Awesome!

Now came the really scary part: getting off the lift. "No problem", said Peter. "I'll just ski you right off the lift.", which he did. Unfortunately, he dropped me and I fell right on my left shoulder. Not awesome! It hurt, but not enough to quit.

He taught me how to stop by using the back end of the outriggers. There is a serrated edge at the back and it needed to be adjusted. Unfortunately, some booger eatin' moh-ron had put in the wrong screw and it wouldn't adjust properly. He flagged down another instructor who was with another member of our group, named Julia. She came to a screaching hockey stop spraying snow everywhere. Awesome! She has been doing this for four years and has her own gear and they were just taking her down the easy slope to get back into it before going on to the more difficult runs. Peter got the right size screw but since the plastic was stripped, he still couldn't get the brakes adjusted. He decided to use what we had and to get new outriggers when we got down the mountain.

So off I went. Initiate right turn. Fall. Peter pulls me up. Initiate left turn. OK. Initiate right turn. Fall. Peter pulls me up. And so on.

Peter flags down another instructor. They check my balance. They make some adjustments. Off I go.

Initiate right turn. Fall. Initiate left turn. OK. Initate right turn. Fall. And so on. Not so awesome. What am I doing here?

Down at the botom of the mountain we got a new set of outriggers and headed back up. This time we got off the lift OK. But I still had the same problem falling on right turns. We only got three runs in in the morning. In the afternoon, Peter bucketed me. What that entails, is the instructor holding on to the back of the seat and telling me when to turn. He would steady me as I did the turn so I would feel what the turn was supposed to feel like. We only made three runs in the afternoon and he dropped me getting off the lift on the last one. No injuries this time. My left shoulder was still sore and would stiffen up that night. I woke up the next morning and could hardly lift my left arm. No skiing for me on Saturday. (Memo to self: Next time bring Icy Hot and Ibuprofin. I went out and bought some Ben Gay and Ibuprofin) But, I realized what I was doing wrong on Friday.

Here's how a beginner should ski on a mono-ski. To turn right, you turn the right outrigger to the point where you are supposed to go. You keep the ski flat and skid into the turn. When going left, you turn the left outrigger to where you want to go and let the ski skid. Anyone out there figgered out why I was falling yet?

For you standup skiers, remember how you learned. You did a snow plow. The first mistake beginners make is looking at the skis to make sure they're in the plow position. Guess who was watching an outrigger instead of watching where he wanted to go? The second mistake a standup skier makes is leaning into the hill. That's what I did. To keep my ski flat, I needed to keep my body perpendicular to the hill, which would make me feel like I was leaning down the hill. It's counterintuitive, but that's the way it works.

Sunday was an off day. I found out there was a hot tub in my building (Memo to self: Next time bring sumpin' to wear in a hot tub.) Monday I showed up where we transferred from chair to ski and they told me to go down to the office to readjust my padding to fine tune my balance. They rearranged some padding and readjusted my outriggers. We then hit the slopes. I had been doing visualization all weekend and was gonna make this work. Also, Julia (who is awesome) had told me when she was first starting, she almost gave up 'cause it took her so long to get it. And, to top it off, it snowed five inches overnight and I was gonna be on fresh powder.

I had two instructors this time, Dan and Brian. Normally, they use two instructors for beginners, but, they were shorthanded on Friday because they were teaching some 'developmentally challenged' students how to standup ski. Developmentally challenged? What does that mean? Slow? Retarded? Brain damaged?

Dan and Brian got me off the lift OK. They checked my outrigger adjustment and turned me loose.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Ski."

Dan gave me a push and I was off. I started doing little S turns and gradually widened them out. Whoa! It's working! I'm skiing! I'm not falling!

We got down near the bottom where I could take the trail marked 'The Easy Way Down' or continue down a steep stretch.

"Which way should I go?"

"Go straight."

I do and I make it. No falls! This! Is! Awesome!

On the way back up, Dan tells me he now wants me to start turning my torso as soon as I feel the skid to get the back of the ski around quicker.

We go back up and I do it again, only faster. I also start using my torso to get through the turns quicker. I almost fall a few times and I recover each time. This is fun!

Going up the lift for the third run, Dan suggests that we go do Beaver.

"Beaver? Isn't that like, an advanced slope?"

"Yeah, but you're ready."

Omigawd! This reminds me of the time when my sister and her husband took me up on a blue trail at Heavenly Valley. Just getting down to the lift to take us up was an adventure. Then when we got there, it was a bloody cliff!

"All you have to do is ski across and do a kick turn. Show him, Ryan."

Yeah. That was easy. Sorry, I missed the lesson where they taught kick turns.

Anyway, we take the trail that takes us to the Beaver lift and the very last part was steep. Fortunately, it was wide enough that I was able to bleed off enough speed before turns. But. I. Was. Going. Very. Very. Fast. When we got to the bottom Dan asked how that felt.

"Right at the edge of my envelope. Is that how Beaver is?"

"Pretty much. You ready?"

"Uh, maybe later."

We did a few more runs before lunch, and on the last one, I found this really narrow steep chute that had almost no ski tracks. Half way down I fall, because there was not enough maneuving room for me to slow down enough to make the next turn. The nice thing was that it was nice powder to fall in. They got me up and I swished down the rest of the chute. The rest of that trail was dull because it didn't have much of an incline after the chute. We broke for lunch. I was stoked!

After lunch I learned how quickly snow conditions can change. The snow had packed down a bit since the morning and as a result the surface was faster. I went racing down the slope and when I hit the steep part and started doing my turns I realized that I was going too faaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Wipe out!

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful except for the last run. As we were going up the lift Dan was talking about how much fun it was watching the snowboarders near the end of the day. They would be tired and they would have some spectacular wipeouts.

Since we didn't do Beaver, Dan and Brian thought I should take the run down to the Beaver lift just to finish the day with a little challenge. Remember what Dan said about tired 'boarders? The same holds true for tired skiers. I did two incredibly spectacular falls. I would have loved to have had pictures of them.

Got up at five o'clock Tuesday morning to catch a flight back to Atlanta. I ached all over. I'm still sore today. At the group dinner Monday night, we were told that the dates for next year's trip will by January 29 to February 3.

Memo to self: Mark on calendar. Sign up for next year.

Awesome!