She's giving the finger to the insurgents, France, Germany, the United Nations, the Yabbuts, and America hating assholes like Michael Moore.
Wow! Stand by for more PEST and BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) when the Yabbuts and their followers read this
The man replacing the mayor of Baghdad — who was assassinated for his pro-American loyalties — says he is not worried about his ties to Washington. In fact, he'd like to erect a monument to honor President Bush in the middle of the city."We will build a statue for Bush," said Ali Fadel, the former provincial council chairman. "He is the symbol of freedom."
Does Michael Moore know about this?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
I got the following from my sis' former neighbor.
Remember after the recent November election, the liberals/democrats had this run of PEST Syndrome (Post Election Selection Trauma) due to the “unbelievable” result of GWB winning his second term? We now have version 2.0 of PEST. Over the last few days, when it became apparent that the Iraqi election will occur on time and the turnout is expected to be high, our home grown liberals/democrats are having a re-run of PEST. Henceforth PEST version 2.0. Since Thursday (our time) when the voting started in Australia, spread to the US and by Saturday evening (again our time) the election is being well embraced in Iraq, there had been a run on Prozac in certain (liberal/blue) cities in N. America, such as Boston, NYC and SFO. It got to be particularly bad in Boston that the local pharmaceutical suppliers had to call in shipment from Canada. I love this!!!
This could be an urban legend but was relayed to me by a friend whose brother in law is an Prozac supplier in Boston.
Yep, my sis' former neighbor, it probably is. Whenever you hear that it came from "a friend whose brother in law" it is almost always an urban legend. That doesn't make it any less funny though.
Now, on to the Yabbuts.
Well the Yabbuts are out if force today. Y'know, I think we should rename the Dimocrat Part the Yabbut Party as in "Yeah, Bush became president in 2000 but he was selected not elected". Here are more of 'em.
Yeah, Bush is president, but he is a moron.
Yeah, Bush is a moron, but he stole the 2000 election. (So the Dimocrats got outsmarted by a moron?)
Yeah, we Dimocrats lost in 2000, but we'll pick up seats in 2002. (They didn't which broke the common rule that the opposition party always picks up seats in midterm elections. What did Zell Miller say about the Dimocrat Party?)
Yeah, we should probably go into Afghanistan, but it will be a quaqmire. Look at how the British and Soviets failed there.
Yeah, we succeeded in overthrowing the Taliban, but we didn't capture bin Laden.
Yeah, Saddam has weapons of mass destruction, but the United Nations should take care of the problem. (Before you liberals get all over me, from 1998 to 2001 Dimocrats like Ted Kennedy, both Clintons, and John Fonda Kerry, using the same intelligence Bush and his advisors used, all stated publicly that Saddam possessed WMD's.)
Yeah, Social Security is facing minor problems, but all we need to do is a little tweaking to keep it solvent.
Yeah, Bush won in 2004, but that was because he stole 90,000 votes in Ohio. All we needed was 100 recounts and we could have manufactured enough votes to win.
Yeah, Bush won in 2004, but that was because everyone who voted for him was stupid.
Yeah, maybe the TANG memos were fake (Dan Rather still thinks that they are real), but they were true. (Fake but Accurate!)
Yeah, we lost in 2004, but that was because we didn't lie package our message very well.
Yeah, we lost the presidential election and seats in both the House and the Senate but it was because we were not liberal enough. (See Zell Miller above.)
Yeah, we support the troops, but we want them to lose the war.
Yeah, we could win the war in Iraq, but we will lose thousands of lives and the war will create 50,000 refugees.
Yeah, we could have an election in Iraq, but no one will vote.
Yeah, "It is significant that there is a vote in Iraq. But ... no one in the United States should try to over-hype this election." - Flipper, on Meet the Press yesterday.
It's fun. Listen to anyone in the Yabbut Party to get more of these.
I want one of these.
Sent to me by Tina.
Today's Monday pun comes from Paul.
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then brsts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and
wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
Both of my shoulders are still sore. I think it was those last two runs down Bonanza. Of course, the collision didn't help any. But, I'm starting at the end. I should start at the beginning.
I don't watch "reality shows". Why should I? I would rather live reality. For example, before my injury, I rafted down the Grand Canyon. I have rafted the Ocoee River in Tennessee three times, twice before my injury and once after. I bareboat chartered in the Virgin Islands, four times as skipper. I have also sailed in the Grenadines, the Greek Islands, and the Florida Keys. Since my accident I have soloed in a Piper Warrior. Long time readers know that I also SCUBA dive. Now that I've retired, I plan on keeping busy and having fun.
This is the third year that I have gone skiing at Breckenridge. This program is setup by Shepherd Center in Atlanta, which is where I did my rehab 16 years ago and John Patterson's company Ski More Tours. John is fantastic!
My sister, Sherry and her husband, Ryan, went with me last year and decided to go with me this year. They drove down from Columbia, South Carolina Saturday afternoon.
It was up early on Sunday morning to drive to the airport. The Atlanta airport is a real mess. Every time I travel now I cuss out the Islamic bastards who have fucked up air travel. It was a real zoo getting our luggage out of the car and into the airport. My sister loves to travel with me because cripples get to cut the security lines. She also wants me to get good at skiing so the ski school will take me up to the good runs and she can cut the lift lines with me.
The flight was uneventful except for the fact that air travel has now become like bus travel only faster. Fortunately, I can walk on board with my braces so I don't have to use the bloody aisle chair. Sherry and Ryan can come aboard the same time I do. Another reason she likes to travel with me.
At Denver we all had to meet up and wait for the vans to arrive to take us to Breckenridge. Then it was time to load the cripples in the vans. We have two vans. One is a lift van for people who stay in their chairs for the trip and the other is a regular van for people who can get out of their chairs. I ride in this one and since I'm able to I got in the very back seat. Ryan and Sherry joined me.
We seem to have better people this year. Last year we had an annoying dude that I nicknamed Forest Stump. He should not have been allowed to go on the trip alone. He wanted to go this year, but Shepherd told him that he would have to have someone accompany him. Evidently he couldn't so we were spared his annoying presence.
Shepherd also sent a different recreational therapist with us. The person they sent the last two years was worthless. She was a bad Canadian. A bad Canadian is one who hates Americans. They can usually be found in Quebec and speak French. Go figger. Some of them come from Ontario which is where this person came from (I think). Good Canadians, of which there are many (I know some of them) like Americans.
This year we had Teresa who was great! She's also a babe. Unfortunately, she's married. Her husband came along on the trip.
Traveling with my sister does have benefits. She knows how to travel. When we got to the hotel and everyone was getting their luggage out of the U-Haul, getting the people in wheelchairs out of the lift van, putting the wheels on the wheelchairs of the people who rode in my van, and getting us crips out of the van and into chairs, my sister was at the front desk of the hotel checking in and getting our room keys. By the time I got out of the van and into my chair we were ready to go right to our room.
We went up to our room and watched the Falcons lose. Bummer!
Then it was off to the BOEC to get set up on the equipment I would be using. BOEC is the Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center. This is a nonprofit organization that specializes in programs for the disabled. Besides crips like me, they teach blind people. They teach learning impaired people (sometimes I fall in that category). These guys are incredible. They have a file on everyone so they knew what rig I was gonna use, how it should be padded, my outrigger length, and all sorts of other useful info. All I really had to do was get in and make sure everything was OK and my balance was good.
The first night we always have a group dinner at Mi Casa which is a Mexican restaurant across the street from The Village, which is where we stayed. By the way, we were in a two bedroom condo. Last year, we had a condo and Andrew, one of the people on the trip stayed with us. I also roomed with hin the first trip. He decided to get a room by himself this trip so I didn't have to share a bedroom with him. Had he roomed with us, we would have had to change to a different condo, since this one wasn't very wheelchair friendly.
After a good night's sleep (At least for me. Sherry didn't sleep well) we were ready for our first day on the slopes.
Here is where Teresa was different than the slug they sent along the last two years. That person used this trip as a paid vacation and spent most of her time away from the group skiing on her own. Teresa, on the other hand, was there watching and helping us transfer from our wheelchairs into the ski rigs we were gonna use. She also watched how we were loaded onto the chair lifts and how we got off. She also skied along with us taking pictures and watching us ski.
There are two tyoes of rigs that we use. There is a bi-ski and a mono-ski. As the names inply the bi-ski is two skis and the mono-ski is one ski. I use a mono-ski. It is essentially a bucket that sits atop a regular ski like the standup skiers use. We also have two outriggers which are poles with little skis on the end of them. We use these to turn.
The first morning I have Quinton as an instructor. I skied with him last year. The nice thing about skiing with Quinton is that he is a paraplegic and is on a mono-ski himself. He can actually demonstrate stuff I should be doing. I also have Peter who is a volunteer. He does this gratis. Peter gets to help me on and off the lift and help me up when I fall, which I do a lot.
Quinton's big thing is balance and looking down hill on my turns. I'm very rusty. I fall a lot. Quinton also started me off with a lot of brakes on my outriggers. What is nice on this trip is I didn't have equipment problems on my first day.
Quinton only worked with me in the morning. In the afternoon, he worked with some of the first timers who were having all sorts of problems. One if them was so discouraged she was ready to quit. She had a much better afternoon.
Jeff, one of the supervisors, noticed that I wasn't far enough forward in my rig, and over the lunch break they put some padding on the back of the bucket to force my upper body forward. AS I said before, these guys are really great.
After lunch Peter and I continued skiing and I had him back off my brakes on every run. By the end of the day, I was skiing better but I still sucked. It would take Jennifer to radically improve my skiing and I will write about that tomorrow and post a link to a picture of me skiing that day.
It had to happen. Here's a Barbie marketed to potential Islamic nutjob suicide bombers. The nihlism of these people disgusts me.
Sent to me by Robert.
This one's from Catfish.
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
I'm back, I'm sore, and posting will resume shortly. Comments are back on.
I'm getting up early tomorrow to fly to Breckinridge, Colorado for 5 days of cripple skiing. Maybe this year I may finally get off the beginners' slope. I'll be back next Saturday. To avoid annoying comment spammers I will be turning comments off tonight.
See y'all next week.
Frequent reader and commenter, Marcel, took exception to my post calling residents of Cobb County "bozos" and made some valid points that I would like to address and expand on.
Perhaps we "bozos" in Cobb county believe that people are best governed at the most local level. Perhaps the "stickers" represent the will of the people of the county. Perhaps those who disagree, but live elsewhere should examine the consistency of their opinions. Really. I'm forever dismayed by those who talk the talk of limited government, local goverment, libertarianism, etc. who then find issues with which they disagree, and immediately become champions of judicial intervention or Federal Goverment involvment. They are OUR children, dammit. WE chose Cobb county for a reason. Until we have VOUCHERS in place, we will continue to try to shape the education of OUR children, and we will happily leave YOUR children alone to be educated in whatever manner YOUR local elected school boards see fit. What's so difficult about that?
As so happens at times like this I find that we are in more agreement than the commenter thinks.
First off, I thought Marcel lived in Sandy Springs or Roswell which is Fulton County.
But he's right. I do believe in limited gummint and local control of schools. By bozos I'm referring to two groups of people:
1. The local school board who came up with the idea of the dislaimer stickers on the science books. They are implying that "intelligent design" which is code for creationism (Y'know, I'm sick of these code words like "pro life" for anti-abortion, "pro choice" for pro abortion, and "diversity" for affirmitive action and hiring quotas.) is a valid scientific theory. In my opinion it is not. It is biblical which entails teaching religion in a public school.
2. The bozos who took this case to court. I agree with Marcel that the local school board is within their rights to implement this ridiculous policy and I am tired of people who cannot get their way running to court like that asshole Michael Newdow. You don't like the policy? Fine. Make it an election issue and vote in your own school board.
Hey Cobb County! The entire country is laughing at you.
Let's now go back to me advocating federal gummint intervention. It is my "opinion" that Cobb County is acting like a bunch of fundos. That is their right. I do not advocate judicial or federal intervention.
My ideas on education?
1. Abolish the Department of Education. Abolish the Department of Agriculture also, but that's a post for another day. The federal gummint should not be in the education business.
2. Take the money spent on the Department of Education and block grant it to the states. Let the states distribute it to local schools. Let the states start voucher programs and not the federal gummint. If the schools suck in Alabama, Georgia, or any other state it is the state's problem. The state should fix it. Companies and workers will go to where the good schools are.
3. Repeal the No Child Left Behind Act. Any law written by Ted Kennedy should be automatically repealed.
4. Let the local school boards decide the curriculum. If they want to teach that the earth is flat, let them. People will vote in school boards of their choice or vote with their feet and move to where the schools are better. See above about companies moving to where there are good schools.
I am consistent in my beliefs. I do not advocate judicial intervention or federal gummint intervention.
I still think the people of Cobb County are bozos, but that's just my opinion. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.
I'm no exception but as my colonoscopy showed, I've got a healthy asshole.
If only I had been an IBM manager I would have not needed a colonoscopy. With my head up my ass most of the time I could have checked myself for polyps.
As an adjunct to Saturday Boobage, one of my female readers sent me the following. I did not write it. Honest!
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen
Hey look! I've got an example of H sent to me by Robert.
Now these are fake, but the surgeon did a nice job on 'em.
It's beginning to get annoying listening to liberals whine. And speaking of annoying, howza 'bout the Muslims pissed off about being portrayed as terrorists in 24? Dudes! It's typecasting. Most of the terrorists today are Muslims. It pissed me off that Hollywood changed the villians from Iranians in The Sum of All Fears.
Another thing that has annoyed me recently was misssing a Sommelier Guild of Atlanta wine tasting on Tuesday night. My fellow members were out drinking 1997 Bordeaux and I was sitting on the pot. Aaarrrggghhhh!
Anyway, back to a whine of a different sort.
In thursday's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation there were two funny columns. One was by Richard Cohen of the Washington Post and the other was by the second most liberal columnist of the AJC, Jay Bookman. Cynthia Tucker is the head liberal, of course.
Richard Cohen starts out his column thusly:
Alchemy is the purported science of turning base metals into gold. It does not exist. Political alchemy is the ability to turn hard failures into gossamer triumphs. It does exist. The inauguration of George W. Bush for a second term proves it.
It goes downhill from there. Richard Cohen did not use the best example of political alchemy, namely Bill Clinton claiming that he's proud of his impeachment. Now that's political alchemy.
Rich, your side lost. BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) is not an issue to run on. That was the main issue of the moonbat wing of the Dimocrat Party and its poster boy, Michael "Mr. Creosote" Moore. It's still the main issue of the Dimocrats. They can ride that horse to defeat again in 2006.
The Republicans proved that Clinton hatred would not win elections either. I remember the moonbat wing of the Republican Party claiming that Clinton was going to use the Y2K disaster to declare martial law and cancel elections.
And speaking of the moonbat wing of the Republican Party, the bozos in Cobb County, are making themselves the laughingstock of the nation. Cynthia McKinney is bad enough. These are the idiots who put stickers on science textbooks claiming that evolution was just a theory and was unproven. They want creationism and intelligent design taught in the schools.
Let me tell you about my opinion of intelligent design. God was a crappy engineer. Any computer engineer will tell you that you never want a single point of failure. The spinal cord is a single point of failure. Intelligent design would have put a backup system in place. And geez, what's with putting a playground between two toxic waste outlets. That's not very smart or environmentally sound.
Jay Bookman's column is different. He's scared.
However, I will admit to deep misgivings about how Bush will carry it out. In fact, I will be surprised, even shocked, if the Bush administration does not overreach in the next four years and create the most serious constitutional crisis we have faced in generations. I don't know how exactly, but I think the conditions are ripe.
Holy shit! The sky is falling! He's afraid that the checks and balances created by the framers are not gonna work as they should.
With Republicans in control of both the House and Senate, and with GOP members kept in line by a party discipline unparalleled in recent history, Congress has effectively been neutered as a constitutional check. The idea of a House committee aggressively investigating the Bush administration has become downright laughable, and the administration knows it.
Omigawd! Bush is gonna take over the gummint! But whose fault is it that the Republicans are in total control of the gummint? Here, Jay has stumbled blindly onto the truth. Even a blind pig can find an acorn once in a while.
As for the Democrats, they bear almost equal blame for the current situation. In the open marketplace of ideas, good ideas are supposed to drive out bad ideas. But for the most part, the modern Democratic Party has withdrawn from that competition, offering few new ideas to offset those aggressively marketed by the GOP. Despite conservative complaints about a liberal press, even the media have been largely intimidated into silence.
There's always "Fake but Accurate" CBS, and Jay Bookman and Cynthia Tucker won't remain silent. Neither will ABCNBCPBSCNNNPR, the Washington Post, the New York Times, the LA Times, et al. Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand will be out in front of the moonbat wing of the Dims and with Nancy Pelosi in the House, Kennedy and Boxer in the Senate (Kerry will be on vacation most of the time), and Howard Dean running the DNC (if he gets the post) I'm sure we can expect obstruction BDS lots of good ideas on how to run the country.
Jay finishes:
That sets up a dangerous situation, and it is dangerous most of all to the Bush administration. In the next four years, it has only its own restraint to protect it. I doubt that will be enough.
Too bad there is no rational opposition party.
Have I posted this before? Ralph Gizzip sent it to me. It looks like my friend Richard.
Since I have Saturday Boobage, Ms. Funkalicious has decided to start a feature for the ladies called Hump Day Humpage.
"The Time has come", the Walrus said. - Lewis Carroll
I am the Walrus. - Lennon and McCartney
I've been outed. For those of you who read comments, Realist stated that I worked at TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name) with his father and he identified TCIDNN by name.
Since I am receiving my pension checks on a regular basis and it looks there is no chance of me going back to work on a part time contract it is now time to finally reveal the identity of TCIDNN.
Most of the people who have met me in person already know the truth. For example, when I met Addison last year the first thing he asked was what company I worked for.
All the programmers from Delta Airlines who read this blog know the truth. Many have met me.
Over the course of this blog, I have left many clues.
I mentioned all the fun we had with the Germans. That means TCIDNN must be a multinational company.
When writing about one of TCIDNN's many layoff programs I mentioned the names used for two of them: Resource Action and Skills Rebalancing. One enterprising reader Googled those terms and came up with the right company name.
I mentioned I used to work in hardware, so TCIDNN probably makes something.
I also said I had a good friend who repaired typewriters in the 70's and he was my expert on the TANG memos. That person was me.
So let's review my career. I hired on in 1973 and spent 4 1/2 years repairing office equipment. In 1978 I started working on top of the line mainframes and peripherals. In 1985, I moved to Atlanta and started teaching mainframes. In 1989, I started systems programming and teaching programming. In 1998, I became a full time systems programmer.
Golly, the company I worked for must be IBM.
How many guessed it?
Update: The most telling hint of all was in my retirement party pictures I was wearing a polo shirt and if you looked closely enough on the sleeve you would have been able to pick out part of the IBM logo. One alert reader fieegered it out.
Wonder what it smells like.
I'll pass on the soup, thank you.
That wasn't so bad. Yeah the prep sucked but the golightly didn't taste as bad as so many people said it would and I've got a pretty strong stomach so it didn't make me hurl. It tasted like chalk water.
Thanks to all of you who wished me well.
Ralph Gizzip suggested that I should have a WiFi network so I could have blogged on the toilet. But Ralph, had I done that my blog would have really stunk!
Someone else suggested a television, but there was no way I could have done that.
Got to the doctor's at 9:15. They had me all poked and monitored and into the room by 10:30. Someone had put on my chart "light or no sedation" and I said that was OK since I have no sensation in that area anyway. They said they would give me some demoral and my eyes lit up.
"Demoral? That's my very favorite!"
After I got out of ICU from my back surgery, they moved me from morphine to demoral. It didn't really stop the pain, you just didn't care about it. Every time I would close my eyes, I would see pink and purple elephants and giraffes dancing on my eyelids.
That didn't happen this time. In fact, I got none of the effects. They gave me such a small dose that I wasn't a bit goofy. I was awake during the entire procedure, which lasted less than 10 minutes. The only thing I felt was a cramp from the air they blew up my colon.
Good news. No polyps. Next colonoscophy in ten years.
My doctor was a woman and a babe. I almost said, "What's a nice girl like you doing hanging out with all these assholes?"
They wheeled me back to the recovery area and notified Cindy that I was ready. I did the required farting and they let me leave. Like I said, I wasn't a bit dopey and I could have driven myself home with no sweat.
I can think of things that would be worse.
There was a guy there who had drunk two bottles of golightly. That's close to two gallons and he still wasn't cleaned out. He had to have cheated on his fasting. They told him next time he would have to do three bottles.
Having to listen to Barbara Boxer lecturing Condi Rice at her confirmation hearings. Since when does lying upset Boxer. She defended the Liar in Chief back in the 90's. Now lying bothers her? And now all of a sudden she is concerned for our military? When did that happen? Someone needs to bitchslap the crap out of her.
I see the Poodle is back from his Undermine the Morale of the Troops and Undermine the War on Terror Tour of the Middle East. He only attended the hearings to try and make the Bush Administration look bad. What an asshole!
Ted Kennedy is all upset about water boarding prisioners. Maybe they should just drown them like he did to Mary Jo Kopechne.
And tomorrow some sore losers are gonna turn their backs on President Bush during the parade. Shortly thereafter, they will hold their breaths until they turn blue (to match their bracelets) and then lay on the grounk kicking and screaming because the election didn't go their way. If only they could have counted the votes in Ohio about 500 more times they might have been able to manufacture enough votes to win. Maybe they could have used the Washington State voter registration system.
County Election Officials in Washington State, specifically King and Pierce Counties require two forms of identification to vote:
1. Any kind of voter registration card,
2. and a Toe Tag.
Thanks to Charlieb.
By the way, d'ya notice that voting irregularities only occur in Dimocrat counties. How does that work? How do Dimocrats get disenfranchised in Dimocrat counties?
Today is gonna be one crappy day. I have to have a colonoscopy tomorrow so today I have to do the prep. Aaarrrgggghhhh! I've had to go through this three other times for IVPs. IVPs are when they inject you with dye and take pictures of your kidneys and ureters. Can't have any crap in the colon since that blocks the pictures. Crips like me with neurogenic bladders often develop kidney problems. And I bet y'all thought being a crip was fun.
I'm supposed to start the prep at 6:00 PM, but since I have a neurogenic bowel, my digestive processes are slower. My friend Cindy, who is a nurse, suggested that I start much earlier, like around 2:00 PM, which is right about now.
I have another problem. Besides not having bowel control (way too much information here GOC), I have no sensation so unlike a normal person who would know when they were going and could run to the john, I don't know and I could only roll to the john. So I will have to collect some reading materials and spend the next six hours sitting on the porcelan throne.
I won't be back online until tomorrow.
I think maybe I would rather have the shit slapped out of me than what I'm gonna do for the next 6 to 8 hours.
I'm not even gonna make the obvious joke.
Viagra in a can.
BWAHAHAHAHA! Georgia Writers Workshop. Good one Kim. We're on a retreat? Retreat from what? Sanity?
I booked my room this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to last longer than one day this time. Also the rooms are on the ground floor. I just gotta
1. Make it back from the room where we are holding the get fucking shit-faced drunk and annoying people with guitar music and yelling and screaming breakout session. We don't really need to reprise the incredible falling cripple routine.
2. Make sure Dax Montana does not follow me back to my room so I don't wake up in the morning with him in my bed like Helen.
I hope no one puts a bloody plant in the bathtub this time like they did at Helen.
Should I restring my 12 string and take it to our "retreat"? I'm gonna have to restring the banjo and dig out my banjo books to relearn the chords and maybe bring that one of these days.
I got an e-mail from my sister chiding me for not writing anything original in the last four to five days. But why should I. My readers like guns, gore (not Algore, just gore) and boobage. I deserve a little time off every now and then. Try writing some sort of an original rant or essay five times a week. By the way, according to Sitemeter I had my best weekend ever.
Maybe I could write sumpin' about Martin Luther King Day. If I did I would then have to write about RWPP's (Race Warlord Poverty Pimps) like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Maxine Waters who have used the victimology philosophy to enrich themselves while doing nothing to improve the lives of the people they are "helping".
Noted moonbat Maxine Waters, who once opined that the crack epidemic in the poor black community was created by the CIA, said sumpin' incredibly funny lately. While marching for abortion rights she said she was doing it because her mother didn't have the right to choose. Having the possiblity that Maxine's mother could have aborted her makes me wish that abortion had been legal back then.
I guess I would also have to write about the failure of gummint to educate blacks. The Atlanta public school system is controlled by blacks, just like the Atlanta gummint. They spend over $10,000 dollars per student to give them a crappy education.
I would have to write about what MLK would think about the anti-achievement mentality in the black community. About how doing well in school was "acting white". Would he be as vocal as Bill Cosby has been about the state of black education?
I would have to write about what MLK would think of successful people like Colin Powell, Condi Rice, and Clarence Thomas being called "Uncle Tom's" or "Aunt Jemima's" by the likes of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Cynthia McKinney. How would he feel about that?
I would have to write about what he would feel about the Dimocrat Party taking the black vote for granted while doing nothing to help blacks other than the same old failing social programs and blaming black poverty on Republicans and racism. How would he feel about that. I don't know. I'm just curious.
Does anyone other than me note the irony of Al Sharpton, a man who has never had a job, having a television program on Spike TV called I Hate My Job?
Blacks overwhelming support vouchers to get their children out of failing schools. The people responsible for those failing schools, teachers unions, are against vouchers. Looks like teachers unions have more of a say in Dimocrat policies than blacks.
I would also have to write about what he would think of affirmative action and the lowering of standards for blacks. Why are their college admisssion standards lower than whites or Asians? Is it because they are dumber? I don't believe that, just like I don't believe whites are dumber than Asians. Would he deplore the soft bigotry of low expectations? But then, this goes back to the failing schools in large metropolitan areas that are run by, (Tada!) black Dimocrats. Holy shit! They're screwing themselves.
So, I guess I just won't write anything of substance since I only have questions and no way to get the answers.
What would MLK feel today if he were still alive?
Everybody likes big nuts, right?
Hey Pres, this Vergina is for you.
Someone caught me last week recycling a Monday Pun. At my advanced age I may forget that I have posted one before. Shit happens. I'll try not to let it happen again, but I cannot guarantee it. I have about a three to four month supply and I get new submissions from readers on a regualar basis. This week's pun is from Airboss.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this.........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.
So now I know what you people want. Heads splattered or boobage. The head splatter attracted some trolls such as Abhuud the goat fornicating Arab and Sanchez, the illegal immigrant. It shows that BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) is not limited to American moonbats who are now gonna start wearing blue bracelets for easy identification.
"I sort of felt ashamed, and didn't really want to be associated with being an American," said Rothchild, who lives in New York City and voted for John Kerry.
Hey sweetie! Delta's ready when you are.
I despised Bill Clinton, but my hatred of Bill Clinton did not make me ashamed to be an American. Even had Kerry been elected, I would not be ashamed to be an American.
Somehow Catfish got a picture of my last date and sent it to me. He titled it How to tell if your date is getting "bored". Almost qualifies for a Monday Pun.
Sherry, don't look at the picture. It is dirty.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Rachel was wrong! Minnesota lost. I was torn about this game since Minnesota and Philadelphia have the two biggest assholes in the NFL: Terrell Owens and Randy Moss. But since Owens is out, I wanted Moss to have a bad game, and he did. No end zone bullshit for him.
Now let's contrast Moss with Warrick Dunn. Here is a guy who is class both on and off the field. When he scored his two touchdowns Saturday he didn't do a dance or any other end zone bullshit. He ran over to the stands and handed the football to the fans. There was no dance when Alan Rossum scored his touchdown. Same with Crumpler. The only demonstration was when Duckett scored and went to his knees and made like he was pounding the football into the ground. Don't know what that was all about unless he was signifying pounding a stake into the heart of the Rams.
Dunn, off the field, sponsors a program to put single mothers into their own homes. He puts his own money into it. He did the same thing in Tampa when he played there. That was one of the reasons Arthur Blank, the owner of the Falcons, wanted him as a player. He wants players who not only contribute on the field, but contribute off the field as well. Dunn is not the only Falcons' player who gives back to the community.
Next week we get to see the Falcons play at Philadelphia. We'll see if they can stop Vick.
Peyton Manning sure had a bad day didn't he?
Now that's just kinky.
This is a product I would buy! Fer sure! I know Pres would too!
Since this weekend seems to be devoted to boobage, here's a Concentratioon Test For Men that Catfish sent me.
Good luck.
Believe it or not, these were sent to me by someone of Chinese descent.
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth.
He left out this one:
Woman who fly upside down have crack up.
All of these came from Woody. BTW, Woody sent me these last summer so don't be upset if you have sent me sumpin' that I never posted. If I like what I get, I eventually post it.
I don't think I want to go down that street.
And I'll passo on the shito.
Dear Funkalicious,
Show us your tits.
Sincerely,
GOC
PS. Looking at other pictures I have of the lady in Saturday Boobage this week, I believe the boobage to be real.
This joke comes from my old Navy buddy Pres.
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than
anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that
there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated
at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in
his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and
told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me
some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of
your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.
"I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the
can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the Piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.
Catfish warned me about this scam. Ladies! Don't fall for it! This sounds like a line Pumpman would use.
While cleaning out my mailbox and I came across this that Mark sent me about true friendship.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3 When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath..I pledge it till the end. Why?, you may ask. Because you are my friend.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember:
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
I had this wonderful workout down at the weight room at Shepherd Center. At least I thought I did. When I got out to my truck and stood up to lift my wheelchair into the truck bed, my legs collapsed. Whoa! This ain't good. Somehow I managed to get the chair in. After I got home, I had the same trouble getting the chair out.
Yesterday, I had to postpone my mall walk because my legs hadn't fully recovered yet.
Today, I'm still a little sore. I'm probably even sorer than I think I am, because some places that I have muscle, I don't have sensation. I decided to skip my planned workout today.
Back before my injury, I was a runner. I wasn't a real fast runner, but I enjoyed the exercise and I usually tried to do three races (fun runs for me) a month. The longest race I ever did was a 15K. I never did run a marathon. My sister has run several. The longest distance I ever ran for a training run was 12 miles.
It was because of the discipline I learned as a runner that I was able to regain a lot of strength after my injury. Six months after my accident, I was fitted for braces and relearned how to walk with braces and crutches. It was slow.
My friend Wahoo measured my driveway and we determined that walking up and back 24 times was a mile. Every morning I tried to do a mile. I kept a log and timed myself just like I did when I was a runner. I eventually was able to quit using a wheelchair. Around the house I could walk with only one crutch.
Unfortunately, about six years ago I got a bad skin sore on my foot that kept me in a wheelchair for four months. I lost a lot of leg strength during that time. Due to getting older I had less energy. The last thing I wanted to do after getting home from work was exercise. That is why retirement is a blessing. I now have time to exercise and I'm attacking it just like I did when I was a runner. Unfortunately, I pushed myself too hard Wednesday. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal on Monday.
I gotta remember not to push myself too hard.
My friend sent me this picture of the title wave hitting Phuket, Thailand. I wonder how that's pronounced? He also sent a few choice words:
I'm wondering if the U.S. hadn't had a presence here, would there be any
of those big buildings ?? What if the waves had only houses of straw built
on sticks to envelope ?? How many of the residents of this town cheered when
the ragheads hit the world trade center ?? Tsunami, your mommy, God's way
of controlling population....... United Nations, spend someone else's money
rebuilding this shithole. Take some of the money KA's scumbag son pillaged
from the Iraqies and rebuild all the countries devastated by the waves. They
will still hate America no matter how much we help them. Send that Norwegian
whinner over there to show he's not as stingy as the Americans. The world
hates us and still we help them......what's up with that ???
C'mon Pres. Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.
We help them because besides being the world's policeman, we are also the world's sugerdaddy.
Update: Crap it's a fake Thanks to Daniel for pointing it out.
A volunteer with the humane society of Thailand rescues a stray cat from resort island of Phi Phi, in southern Thailand. Hundreds of cats were rescued from the island after it was devastated by a tsunami on Dec. 26. (AP Photo/Richard Vogel)
(January 07, 2005)
I'm sure this will warm Pumpman's heart. Sent to me by Jim.
Charlieb sent me this. I'm sure he wanted me to post this for Kim and Airboss.
Click on image for larger version.
Nope. This wasn't the resume submitted by the lady a few posts back.
Subject: A JOBB APPLICANT
Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I theenk I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job no problem. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you theenk that I am werth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a picksure of me taken at mi last jobb.
Employer's response:...............
.... It's OK honey, we've got spell check
Thanks to my friend Pres.
Looks like Dax was right. First we have this:
In an effort to ease the fears of local officials, Marines participating in the humanitarian mission to help Indonesia recover from the earthquake and tsunami that have killed more than 100,000 people on the island of Sumatra have agreed to leave their weapons behind whenever they go ashore.
For many Marines, that's tantamount to traveling naked.
"They didn't even want us to have protection like helmets and body armor, let alone weapons, because it might look threatening," said Foley, of Erie, Pa. "That's crazy."
His concern isn't unfounded.
Though the nearly 2,000 Marines on this ship and another nearby have only just begun to trickle ashore, and are generally returning to the ship each night, the area in which they are operating presents some significant security threats.
Rebels have long been active in this region, so much so that the Indonesian government had largely restricted it from foreigners. Though a lull followed the Dec. 26 disaster, firefights near the provincial capital of Banda Aceh have been reported recently.
So let me get this straight. We are providing relief to these assholes and sending our Marines into dangerous areas and we aren't even allowing them to wear body armor? I have two words for the Indonesian gummint: Fuck! You!
But wait! It gets even worse. Now we have this
Indonesia told foreign troops helping tsunami victims to get out of the country soon and defended tough new restrictions on aid workers, while rich nations prepared to freeze Jakarta's debt repayments.Vice President Yusuf Kalla said foreign troops should leave tsunami-hit Aceh province on Sumatra island as soon as they finish their relief mission, staying no longer than three months.
"Three months are enough. In fact, the sooner the better," Kalla was quoted by the state Antara news agency as saying.
All right fuckhead. Howza 'bout tomorrow? Is that soon enough for you you ungrateful bastard?
The emergency phase of the tsunami relief effort in Aceh is not moving fast enough and is likely to last three more months, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's special humanitarian envoy said Wednesday.
I'm for pulling our entire military relief effort out of Indonesia now. Let's see how efficient the UN is at providing relief without the logistical support of the United States Military.
Indonesia is the world's largest Muslim country. These assholes will be dancing in the streets when the next 9/11 occurs. Let 'em starve. Who cares?
Not me anymore.
I got the following e-mail from Martin.
Hey, Grump,
Did you see this one? I found it not on some pansy-assed liberal site.
It's from a guy who is a financial advisor. Those guys are usually
Republicans, right? Or at least financial conservatives, especially guys
like this, who is a contrarian. If you're not sure what that is, it's a
guy who says, when it comes to financial markets, most people are
idiots. Do the opposite of what most people are doing. Here's what he
said about one of your buddy, Bush's, best buddies, Rummy:
"You go to war with the army you've got," said Donald Rumsfeld, caught
in a rare moment of accidental honesty. "You do that because you don't
usually choose the hour or place of war; it's chosen for you by the
attacker. You are forced to defend yourself with the best army and best
equipment on hand at the moment. But this is a different kind of
war...in which the U.S. is doing the attacking...and you can't even tell
the U.S. Marines the straight skinny. Instead, you have to fudge and
scam them...show compassion...show concern...hide the casualties...bring
the coffins in at night...take the costs off-budget...and try to
remember why the hell you got into this war in the first place."
Tell me. Just what the hell ARE we doing in Iraq? Whatever the hell it
is, we're getting a lot of guys killed to do it.
My comments:
1. Financial advisors are not always conservatives. Many of them are Dimocrats. It may shock many people to know that historically the stock market does better under Dimocrat administrations than it does under Republican administrations. I guess that means for my own financial well being I should have voted for Algore in 2000 (A friend of mine did for that very reason. TCIDNN stock does better when a Dimocrat is in office) and John Fonda Kerry in 2004. Money's nice but national security is better. I was a one issue guy in the 2004 election and that was the War on Terror. I trusted Bush over Flipper.
2. Bush is not my buddy. I disagree with him on many issues. I was against steel tariffs. The Farm Bill was an abomination. So was the Transportation Bill. The Republican Congress is spending like Dimocrats and Bush has not vetoed a single spending bill since he's been in office. The Poodle would have spent even more and probably cut military spending. That is why I don't trust Dimocrats on national security. They love to downsize the military. Bush doesn't have a clue on what to do about illegal immigration. So no, he is not my buddy, but he is better than the alternative.
3. Have you read the entire quote? You may read it here. What the lamestream media has left out was the first part of his reply:
I talked to the general coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored. They have been brought from all over the world, wherever they're not needed, to a place where they are needed. I'm told that they are being ... I think it's something like 400 a month are being done. And it's essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money. It isn't a matter, on the part of the Army, of desire. It's a matter of production and capability of doing it.
4. What are we doing in Iraq? We are attempting to create a secular democracy in the Arab world. Now the nattering nabobs of negativity, as I'm sure Martin is, may say that this is impossible. They also said that it would be impossible to create a democracy in Japan because of their culture and history. Hmmmm. Somehow we managed to do that. Ya see, we're Americans and we believe we can do the impossible. Many said that JFK's challenge to land a man on the moon and return him before 1970 was an impossible task. We did it. We are Americans. They told Ronald Reagan that we couldn't win the Cold War. We did it. We are Americans. The naysayers said that Afghanistan would be a quagmire. We succeeded where the Soviet Union and the British Empire failed. Afganistan is free and just held their first elections. We did it. We are Americans. One of the reasons I'm a grouchy old cripple is because gloom and doomers really piss me off. That includes the majority of the Dimocrat Party. One of my mentors in life told me that you never know if you can do sumpin' unless you try.
5. A lot of men are dying? When you consider what we have accomplished since the invasion, our casualties have been very light, unless, of course you're a gloom and doomer. But they said (and Michael Moore hoped) that the death toll would be in the thousands. We've lost a little over 1300 men. Of course every death is a tragedy, but compare our casualties to any previous war and they pale by comparison. I pointed out earlier that in the Battle of the Bulge there were 80,000 casualties. I guess we should have packed up and gone home after that. With the press we have now, we would have quit WWII after D-Day. This is war. Men die in war.
We are taking the fight to the enemy and Iraq is a beach head. If we succeed in Iraq I'm hoping that we will be able to spread freedom to other Arab nations. Is it impossible? I hope not. I think we may be able to pull it off. Why? Because we are Americans and we can do the impossible. After all Babyface said that if we elected Kerry cripples would get out of their wheelchairs and walk again. If you believe that then surely you would have to beliive we can bring freedom and dmocracy to the Middle East.
The idea for this came from Jim. Unfortunately the morph doesn't work on his site. The original image came from Registered Mediaand the morphing came from Photoshop genius, Matt at Stark Truth. His image doesn't work on dialup, but mine appears to. I love the blogosphere!
From Airboss. We men are such pigs.
Rachel Lucas defended an asshole. She actually thought it was neat that Randy Moss pretended to pull down his pants and moon the Green Bay fans in the playoff game on Sunday. Randy Moss, just like Terrell Owens is a low class A number one genuine asshole.
I remember when this whole celebrate in the end zone dance bullshit started. Billy "White Shoes" Johnson used to do an end zone dance when he scored a touch down. Cute. Then we had the Icky Shuffle and it just started getting worse after that. Yeah. The Atlanta Falcons were guilty with the Dirty Bird but you gotta understand they had been bad for so long they had to celebrate sumpin'.
Look. Spontaneous celebrations I don't mind, but this choreographed planned bullshit like we get from low class dudes like Owens and Moss is just that. Bullshit.
There was a college coach, and I don't remember who it was but I'm sure someone will tell me, who told his players when they scored a touchdown, "Act like you've been there before".
When the Falcons were in the same division as the 49'ers, I used to watch Jerry Rice score numerous touchdowns. I never saw him do any touchdown dances. He'd either drop the ball in the end zone or hand it to the official. He acted like he had been there before.
Jerry Rice - Class.
Randy Moss and Terrell Owens - Low Class
Living in the South we don't need these and I'm thankful. Sent to me by catfish.
I woke up this morning and the house was colder than usual. It seemed that way yesterday too. It hasn't really been noticeable since we have been experiencing springlike weather here in Beautiful Dunwoody. My dafodils and hyacinths are starting to peek up out of the ground. Poor suckers. Soon the cold weather will return. Bam! You suckers are done.
I looked at the thermostat and the display told me Lo Bat. No problem. I'll just replace the batteries.
Turn cool/off/heat switch to off. Check.
Replace batteries. Check.
Turn switch back to on. Check.
If no display hit reset switch. Check.
If it still doesn't work, check fuse. Check.
Fuse good. I must have some bad batteries.
I went to the mall to do my Tuesday walk. Not as many babes as before Christmas. I stopped at the drugstore on the way home to get toothpaste and batteries. Got home. Repeat procedure.
Turn cool/off/heat switch to off. Check.
Replace batteries. Check.
Turn switch back to on. Check.
If no display hit reset switch. Check.
If it still doesn't work, check fuse. Check.
Fuse good. Now what?
Now remember, I was, up until October 29, a highly trained, highly motivated and highly paid IT professional so a crummy little thermostat shouldn't be beyond me. Plus, I was an electronics technician in the Navy, and for part of my career at TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name, but will very soon) I was in hardware. It would be a lot easier for me if the thermostat was at eye level. I'm doing this from my wheelchair.
I pulled the batteries back out and checked the contacts. Maybe there is not a good connection. Aha! I see the problem. The left contact has snapped in two. I have two choices:
1. I could go to the hardware store and find something suitable to use as a contact, remove the old contact and solder the new one on to the circuit board.
2. Use ordinary household materials to fix the problem.
Howza 'bout option number 2. Get sone aluminum foil and fold it up into a small little square. Wedge it between the battery and the contact. Voila! Success! My four years in the Navy and my hardware years at TCIDNN have paid off and just in time as we have some cold weather coming in later this week.
Sorry, dafodils and hyancinths.
Sent to me by Charlieb.
The shooter:
The shootee: (Caution! Not for the faint of heart!)
This is a primo example of a good terrorist. He didn't get a chance to detonate his explosive belt. No virgins for this guy.
I've been stewing the last few days about the comment by that worthless Norwegian, UN diplomat who said that the United States was stingy. Yeah, I know he didn't call us by name but he did mention that we were a western nation that gave a given percentage of our GNP to charity. Only one nation fit that definition. That's like referring to me as a cripple who lives in Dunwoody, drives a light blue BMW Z3, and used to work for a company named TCIDNN (The Company I Dare Not Name whose name will be revealed shortly. Honest! Maybe I should change it to TCWNIWRSH - The Company Whose Name I Will Reveal Soon Honest)
This kinda shit really pisses me off since we are the most giving country in the history of this planet. I will bet that by the time this is over between gummint giving and private giving the United States will have given over a billion dollars to help people in the region, and that's not even counting the expense of sending a carrier group to facilitate the delivery of food, medicine, and other relief supplies. Do you know how much it costs to support a carrier group?
I've got a few words for the people in this area.
Sri Lanka - You told the Israelis who had plane loads of relief materials to stay home. Fuck you! You obviously don't need any help.
To the booger eatin' moh-ron in Indonesia wearing the bin Laden t-shirt. Fuck you. Where is your buddy now? He's real good at killing people, but who is coming to save your worthless Muslim ass? That's right: it's the infidels from the Great Satan.
Oh. I forgot. According to Senator Patty Murray (Moonbat Party, Washington) Osama bin Laden has ben building roads hospitals and day care centers. So I guess you ungrateful assholes in Indonesia don't need our help after all. Bin Laden will provide.
As I said, I predict the United States alone will donate over one billion dollars. I'm willing to bet that will excede the total of what the oil ticks in the Mideast will give. I'm willing to bet that it will exceed the total of what all the Muslim countries will donate.
They held a telethon in Saudi Arabia for the tsunami victims. It didn't raise as much money as the telethon for the families of Palestinian suicide bombers. That just shows that Muslims are more interested in killing Jews than they are in relief efforts. This is ironic since one of the Five Pillars of Islam is charity. It's also ironic because infidels from the Great Satan are gonna provide more charity than the entire Muslim world combined. How many Muslims are there in the world? One billion? The United States has 290 million citizens.
Yep! The world hates us until they need sumpin'. We had to bail out Europe in two world wars. Then after WWII we had to pay to rebuild Europe. Most imperialists exact tribute from their conquests. We pay to rebuild them and then we protect them as we did from the Soviet Union during the Cold War. Who picked up the tab for that? We did while the European nations trotted merrily down the path to socialism.
When we asked for help in our fight against terrorism, reliable allies like England and Australia joined our fight. France and Germany obstructed us. So much for gratitude.
We're gonna see the same thing in Indonesia. We're gonna give 'em our hard earned money, but when there is another terrorist attack on our soil they will be out dancing in the streets. Lennon and McCartney said it: Money Can't Buy Me Love.
Yep! They hate us but they're willing to take our money. And we're willing to give it because we are the good guys. We react to natural disasters with compassion even for our enemies.
So I'm sick of hearing a corrupt UN official call us stingy. I've got an idea. Why don't we take the money we use to support the United Nations (We provide almost 1/4 of the UN's budget) and use that for the tsunami victims? Or howza 'bout the 2 billion dollars a year we send to Egypt to keep them from fighting with Israel? Assholes!
We are the most giving, caring, and compassionate country this planet has ever seen and we will continue to be that way. No matter how much the world hates us, we are always there and we will continue to be there.
That is what it means to be the United States of America, the greatest country in the history of this planet..
Lemme get this straight. As if meeting Viet Nam diplomats in no official capacity while we were fignthing in Viet Nam, underming our efforts in Viet Nam by tesifying to made up atrocities, and badmouthing the Commander-in-Chief to our soldiers in Iraq last week, the Poodle also met with Bashar Assad, a terrorist sponsoring dictator. My hatred for this phony asshole knows no bounds. And this is the guy the Dimocrats ran for president. Is it any wonder I despise the Dimocrat Party?
Thanks to my sis former neighbor for the picture.
Sorry there was no Sunday night post but Hosting Matters was once again hit with a DOS attack. Here's the Monday Pun from Pam.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
.
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
From today's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation.
Rosemary Kennedy, a sister of John F. Kennedy who was born mentally retarded and lived most of her life in an institution after undergoing a lobotomy, died Friday, her family said. She was 86.Kennedy, the inspiration for the Special Olympics spearheaded by the Kennedy family, had been a patient since 1949 at St. Coletta School for Exceptional Children in Jefferson, Wis. She was the third child and first daughter of Joseph and Rose Kennedy, born a year after her brother who became president.
In 1941, Joseph Kennedy, worried his daughter's mild mental retardation would lead her into situations that could damage the family's reputation, arranged for Rosemary to have a lobotomy. She was 23.
Damage the family's reputation? Howza 'bout a certain swimming senator who got away with murder and is now a drunken bloviating blowhard. I guess in the Kennedy family and in Massachusetts being retarded is worse than being a murderer. The wrong Kennedy got the lobotomy. But that's all right, he's doing it to himself with alcohol.
Hic!
Today's Saturday jokes are from Airboss.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why are there no swimming pools in Mexico?
Because all the people whi know how to swim are in the US.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag. (The first time I read this I thought it was a Hillary instead of a Harley and the dirtbag was you know who. - GOC)
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. (And I own two BMW's. I guess that explains a lot - GOC)
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Sorry this is late, but my hosting service, Hostin Matters, went down last night due to a DOS attack on their network.
Sorry. Too lazy to write tonight so I'll post some cartoons from my never ending supply sent to me by loyal readers.
Some booger eatin' moh-ron named Richard commented on one of my posts and told me I was stupid and everything that Cynthia McKinney said was true. I guess that this asshole probably thinks Farenheit 9/11 was a documentary. It's been over three years now. When are they gonna start building that oil pipeline through Afghanistan?
Let's examine the average Cynthia McKinney voter: Poor. Uneducated. Welfare recipient. Food stamp recipient. Depends on the gummint. Thinks Cynthia McKinney actually gives a fuck about them.
Let's examine the stupid grouchy old cripple: Rich. Owns own home. Owns three cars. Is financially independent. Retired computer programmer. Runs own website. Thinks Michael Moore is fulll of shit. Thinks Cynthia McKinney is a RWPP (Race Warlord Poverty Pimp).
Which one of us is stupid?
It's a new year and Cat Shit commented and posted this link. He really needs to learn how to do links properly in comments. Here's an excerpt from Mr. Creosote's letter to the Senate.
Now, I know a lot of you wish this little problem of Ohio would just go away. And many of you who wish this are Democrats. You just want to move on (no pun intended!). I can't say I blame you. It's rough to lose two elections in a row when the first one you actually won and the second one you should have won. And it seems this time around, about 3 million more Americans preferred to continue the war in Iraq and give the rich more tax breaks than those who didn't. No sense living in denial about that.
The Dimocrats are in the worst shape they have been in since the 1920's and they still don't get it. The only thing that's gonna be more entertaining than this is the upcoming Palestinian civil war.
I made a little prediction. I figgered after John Conyers decided to protest the electoral vote certification in the House of Representatives, the Dimocrat Senator who would do the same thing in the Senate would be one of the following three dingbats: Maria Cantwell, Patty "Osamo Mama" Murray, or Barbara Boxer. Is there sumpin' in the water out there on the Left Coast that makes you people elect such dingbats? Anyway, I was right. It was Barbara Boxer.
Didja ever notice that every time the Dimocrats want to have a recount it is in one of the precincts controlled by Dimocrats? And they want to count every vote until the Dimocrat wins and then they don't want to count anymore? And somehow, every time they recount the votes there are more Dimocrat votes? That's what happened in Washington. What's amazing is they wound up with more votes in King County than there were registered voters. Let's make every vote count more than once. Kinda like in Chicago where dead people vote.
So now it seems that Bush, the moron, managed to steal over 100,000 votes in Ohio. so let's recount the votes. How many recounts will it take until the Dimocrats can win that state? Wait a minute! Bush won the popular vote. I thought the Dimocrats wanted to abolish the Electoral College. Hello! Howza 'bout a little consistency here.
Anyway, Bush, the moron, managed to steal the 2000 election. Bush, the moron, managed to steal the 2004 election by over 100,000 votes in Ohio (and over 3,000,000 votes nationwide).
The Dimocrats are going nuts! They want Terry McAuliffe to remain in charge of the DNC. He has presided over the current Dimocrat debacle (with help from the Clintons) and they want him to remain chairman. Thanks to him and Moveon.org, the Dimocrats are awash in money but are bankrupt in ideas. No, that's not it. The people in the red states are idiots. Yeah. That's the ticket.
Meanwhile, John Fonda Kerry is continuing his record of absenteeism from the Senate and is in Irag underminding the morale of the troops. Looks like a leopard cannot change his spots.
Visiting with U.S. troops in Baghdad on Thursday, failed presidential candidate John Kerry trashed Commander-in-chief George Bush for making "horrendous judgments" and "unbelievable blunders" that have undermined the war effort.
Can you imagine any politician during World War II telling the troops in Europe how FDR and Eisenhower had fucked up the Normandy Invasion? Or the Battle of the Bulge? And this asshole wanted to be president? Yet another reason that Dimocrats cannot be trusted with national security.
I heard a soundbite from Ted "the swimmer" Kennedy spouting the tired old Dimocrat mantra about "counting every vote" (unless they are military votes) and couldn't help thinking about the irony of massive voter fraud in Illinois and Texas in 1960 that gave the election to his brother.
Yep. The more desperate the Dims get the more hilarious they get. It's really sad because we do need two viable parties in this country but as Zell Miller wrote in his book the Dimocrats are a national party no more and they are in freefall. As the Michael Moores, John Conyers, Cynthia McKinneys (It won't be long before she will be back in full moonbat mode) Nancy Pelosis, and Barbara Boxers get more vocal the people in the red states will continue to realize just how out of touch the Dimocrats have become.
But then, Hollywood is all for the Dimocrats.
That's entertainment.
Pass the popcorn.
My friend Pres sent me this.
I wonder how long it's been since this dude got laid?
You call that a football game? I guess if you were a USC fan it was. Oklahoma stunk up the place. I wonder if Auburn could have done a better job?
And dammit! I wish ABC would concentrate on the freaking game. I didn't turn on the tube to see Will Farrell or Shaq. I turned on the tube to see the game. It pisses me off when they have a sideline reporter talking to some stupid celebrity and I miss one of the plays on the field.
That's the problem with these "big games". They have to have all the hype and the stupid human interest bullshit. I don't give a flying fuck what Shaq thinks. He's a basketball player fer chrissakes. And Will Farrell? He's a freaking comedian.
My brother-in-law and I were watching Monday night football last week and had to put up with the end of the season lovefest with the sideline reporter and all the cameramen. Fuck the game! Let's interview Terrell Owens. I really want to watch that arrogant SOB and miss the action n the field.
All this bullshit going on just ruins the entire experience. And the announcers. Can't they clone Keith Jackson and John Madden and have them do every game, both pro and college? Now that would be a treat.
Living in Atlanta, with the Falcons usually being a crappy team we get the third, fourth, or fifth announcing teams. As the Falcons' record improved this year we moved up the announcing food chain. I got sumpin' I want to say to all the color guys. STFU! You talk too much. You can't all be John Madden. And, yeah, Michael Vick is probably the most exciting player in the NFL and he is fun to watch. When he learns the offense he is gonna be a faster version of Steve Young, but he is not superman. Stop with all the superlatives the entire game. We know he's good. His actions speak louder and better than your words.
But back to the Orange Bowl. Howza 'bout that halftime show? Now we know why Ashlee Simpson lip synched on Saturday Night Live. Too bad she didn't do it on the halftime show. She sucked. You could tell everyone in the stadium thought so too. What bonehead decided to book her?
Now the next big game we get to look forward to is the Superbowl. I sure hope it's better than the Orage Bowl. Unfortunately, there will be all the hype and all the stupid sideline interviews.
I bet the halftime show will suck also.
Yep! I'm taking another night off. I'm gonna watch the Orange Bowl. What have I been doing all day you may ask. I don't work anymore so I should be able to spend more time blogging. Here was my day:
Got up at 8:30.
Fed the cats.
Made a pot of coffee.
Read the morning paper.
Showered and shaved. Yep. I still shave. I only do it about once every three days now.
Checked out all my daily internet reads.
Responded to comments on my site and cleaned up comment spam.
Drove over to Perimeter Mall and did my mall walk. This is my Tuesday and Thursday workout.
When I finished up, I noticed it was such a beautiful day, I put the top down on the Z3 and drove over to see of the car wash was open. The Z3 was positively filthy! It was open and I got the car washed. As a bonus, they found the cell phone that I had lost two years ago.
Got home and read one of the back issues of the Wine Spectator.
Then it was nap time.
Got up and fixed supper.
Another reason I'm taking the night off is I've got this rant rolling around in my head and it has been such a beautiful day and I got my first pension payment
(and it was retroactive to November 1, so I got three months pay) that I'm in too good of a mood to rant. So instead I will post a rant that Lance Corporal V. put in the comments of this post in response to a comment frequent commenter Robin Palm had posted. I think the point that Robin was making was if you are gonna shoot a wounded man don't do it front of a cameraman and don't make a joke about it. Sounds like a good idea, but when you are at war shit happens as the rant states.
Check it out, Robin... you're nuts, go into combat and then give me that load of crap. Stooping down to their level? You have no idea... Give me your address and I'll send you 14 MRE's. That will be your meal for 8 days and don't give me shit about not knowing how to count, I'm well aware that's not 3 meals a day. Live with it asshole Cause that's what America's sons, my brothers, do. During those days sleep for 3 hours a day, with hardcore rock blasting from the speakers to simulate gunfire, screams of the dying, and relentless bombing. Your job for those 8 days will be going block by block, house by house, room by room, door by door to hunt down every insurgent that wants to kill an American for fame and glory. Every step you take, every door you open, every time you blink your eyes worry about an ounce of C-4 and other plastique explosives going off and killing you. Walk around in a pack of 13 and consider that every action you take decides whether they live and every action they take decides whether you live. Every thought you think decides whether you see your family hug them in tears or in tears they see you in a casket draped with the American Flag in all her pride glory. It has been said in many ways, but maybe you haven't heard a one of them... "It is better to be judged by the ignorant millions than by 12 dead friends."
For six months have your co-workers, friends and family systematically killed one by one by explosive devices, traps, and snipers. Watch your best friend get killed by an insurgent pretending to be wounded when in fact they are sitting on an IED and just have to lift their arm to trip and set off a mortar. The next day watch as your father has the same thing happen to him while you stand by his side. The next day enter the room where the wounded insurgent that was given 3 months to evacuate, sniped at you for weeks, set up traps, armed IEDs and was struck with a bullet by America's best - a United States Marine. When you enter the room and see him moving around mumbling, what are you going to think? Will you be alarmed? Will you be suspicious? Most of all, will you remember about your brothers standing next to you, or will you remember the damn camera man who might or might not have entered the room behind you?
Do this 18 hours a day, for 8 days with a cameraman - one more life you have to protect - who doesn't care to help you, he just wants to make news. Many of them aren't looking for "feel good stories at this time" as they say. Instead, they look for a way to destroy you while you protect them. There are the exceptions, but far be it for you damn liberals to let those media outlets speak out.
Do this for 18 hours a day, for 8 days while making an incredible 24,000 a year, mere pennies to the people who cry out against you for your thoughtlessness and their hardest decision in the day is what shoes to wear. Good news for you though! We only have two sets of cammies and one pair of boots. One set of cammies is in the wash while I wear the other one, so I don't have to decide. Thank goodness for that huh? I'd probably screw that up too if I had more!
Instead, you people say you support the troops while you curse us under your breath and don't lift a damn finger to try and help. I dare say 99% of the damn liberals have no idea, as millions of their patriotic neighbors do (May the Lord, whom our forefathers placed their trust in), that there are hundreds of organizations who ask for donations so they can send us simple stuff like shampoo, soap, homemade cookies. It makes me sick to my stomach, but because even liberals are Americans or are privileged enough to be in my beautiful country, I will lay my life before them any day of my life.
"Kind of joked"? Negative, that was a cocky reassurance to men whose lives were on the line. That kind of language is common in any branch of the service, but especially in one that knows they're the best!
And don't you dare let me hear you refer to our enemy as "barbaric". They are barbaric without the quotation marks. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either off their rockers or a Left-Wing Liberal.
And never, ever get sarcastic when talking about your Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Marines, Navy or any other part of the service that leaves everything behind to serve their country. If you have enough energy to give a sarcastic "Whoops" when talking about us, channel that energy into finding a plane ticket and moving to France or Germany and just go live with them. Don't worry, their men don't fight, so you won't have to worry about a thing.
America is the land of the free, if you enjoy the fact that we were attacked, or don't like the fact that we are helping the helpless, leave. I hear there are many more countries that would love to have another body to torture. The less warlords and dictators there are in this world, the safer everyone is. If you have already forgotten Sept 11 like many Americans have, I'll get you some tapes of it, I remember like it was this morning.
All being said and done, please don't second guess the job we are doing out here until you do it yourself. And don't claim you support the troops, because you don't. Your words have spoken volumes to the few motivators who have read them. Any action you take will be forgotten unless there is a sincere apology in front of it.
May God bless the American Patriots. Your men and women in the service love and miss you.
Thank you Lance Corporal V. for serving your country!
I read today that the low carb diet craze is almost over. I just love the way people keep coming up with all these fad diets to lose weight. It's like people believe that there is some sort of easy way to lose weight. Well there is. All you have to do to lose weight is to expend more calories than you consume. That's all there is to it. Eat less or exercise more. Better yet, do both. You cannot lose weight sitting on your fat ass. Or maybe you can. My friend Cindy sent me this diet advice.
DR. JERRY ANSWERS YOUR HEALTH CONCERNS
Ok, here are all the answers to your health questions:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: HELL NO. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: HELLO.......You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of
mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around! I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
Yep! Lame post but it's halftime at the Sugar Bowl so I had to get sumpin' up quick. Now I'm gonna open up a beer, plop my fat ass down on the recliner, and watch the second half of the football game.
The first Monday Pun of 2005 is courtesy of Richard.
Cleaning out the aviary at a British zoo, the keeper found a dead
finch. He put it in a sack. Later he found two dead monkeys, and put
them in the sack, too. At feeding time, as he often did, he took the
dead animals to the lion's cage. But, as he was emptying the contents
into the cage, the lion gave him a nasty look and roared,
"Not finch and chimps again!"
Back in 2003, I cut my hand which required surgery. When leaving the surgeons office I demonstrated to my friend Cindy one of Newton's Laws of Motion, namely the one that stated that a body in motion wants to stay in motion. I was rolling down the side walk to the parking garage when the footplate on my wheelchair encountered the lip of a curb which stopped my wheelchair. Unfortunately I remained in motion and became the incredible flying cripple.
It's always fun when stuff like this happens because Cindy totally freaks.
On Saturday night, we had the return of the incredible flying cripple and as usual, it was all Cindy's fault.
The last time I was at her house, I had trouble gettting out of a chair to leave and I fell. After about 13 tries I finally made it to my feet and made it home. She did not want a repeat of that and asked me to come over in my wheelchair.
That was actually a pretty good idea except for when I got home, I would have to get my chair out of the back of my pickup. She said that she would pick me up and take me home. Cool! Limo service!
She picked me up and took me to her house. Her husband Michael was watching Psycho. That got me on my tirade about remakes. How could anyone do a remake of Psycho that was better than Hitchcock's? Why even try? Same for Rear Window.
Anyway, we drank the bottle of Champagne that I got Cindy for taking care of my cats.
We watched Psycho until the shower scene and then went into the kitchen and ate the salad.
She served Beef Wellington and we drank a St. Emilion with dinner.
After dinner we had Parmigiano Reggiano with a 2002 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon I furnished.
We watched the Twilight Zone marathon they had on the Sci-fi channel. Michael watches these every year.
We then drank some Delamain cognac. Due to the drop of the dollar versus the Euro the price of Delamain is going out of sight and Michael says all the price increases still haven't worked their way through the system. He's come up with a plan. We'll buy a case at the current price and split it.
It was now time to go home. Remember, I came in my chair so we wouldn't have any catastrophes.
D'ya remember the story of Oedipus? It was foretold that he would kill his father and marry his mother so his mother left him to die in the mountains as a baby. Unfortunately, as in all Greek tragedies, he was found and raised by Polybus and Merope of Corinth and eventually fulfilled the prophecy.
Much the same thing happened to me. There are two ways to get a wheelchair down a single step which was all it took to leave Michael and Cindy's house by the back door. One was to pop a wheelie and bounce down. The other was to go down backwards, which is the option I chose.
As if to fullfill the prophecy, disaster struck. Once again I was a victim of Newtonian physics.
I went down the stoop backwards but I passed the center of gravity of the chair and kept on going backwards. Holy crap!
So there I was laying on my chair which was laying on its back.
"Oh my God!", shrieked Cindy. "Are you OK?"
I told y'all that she really freaks when stuff like this happens.
I had trouble answering her because I was laughing so hard.
I was fine and I was picturing in my mind what I must have looked like going over backwards.
I got back up in my chair and she took me home but it just shows that if I'm fated to fall, I will fall. It was foretold.
Just like Oedipus.
I've been real nice by not catbombing Pumpman for a while so I think I will start off the new year right, I got this from my friend Cindy who got it from her friend Carol who got it from someone else.
2004 Has sped by
Now, we need to face 2005
There may be risks involved
We may need to face roadblocks
So stay alert
Share time with friends
Jump over obstacles
With care
And caution
Face challenges
Remember to laugh
Cooperate
Discover
Make new friends
Above all...be ready for adventure
Stick together
And you will be able to go far
Very far....
Well, not quite that far....
Always take time to smell the flowers
Don't forget to relax and enjoy
And never forget to love those dearest to you
Here's to a fantastic 2005!!!!!
This one is from Catfish.
A Ranger sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The Ranger carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, where he sees
a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Ranger walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window
The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing ?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Ranger says:
"And her- what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the Ranger is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man ?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And the young lady ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes
