Got me an e-mail from some French asshole who took offense at the Poem For The French that I posted two weeks ago. It seems every time I do a little French bashing the simpering cowards from France take offense. I guess I hurt their poor widdle feelings and I make the poor widdle babies cry. It must be so hard to live in a country that is long past its glory years and has become irrelevant on the world stage. Let's see what Gilles Bertrand has to say.
Dear Sir,
Nice start.
I am a frenchie as you like to call the French people.
Actually, I like to call them Frogs, or wimps, or pussies, or cheese eating surrender monkeys and I guess I should feel sorry for you that you are French. By the way, have you ever heard of soap?
And I am so deceived while reading the posts on this website and especially the last poetry on French bashing!
Why should you be deceived? I've made it perfectly clear that I do not think too much of the French. We saved your sorry asses from the Germans twice. We used American taxpayer money to rebuild your sorry country. It would be nice to get a little gratitude from you backstabbing assholes.
You are encouraging discrimination against the
French people.
Gilles, you have a firm grasp on the obvious. Congratulations.
This is stupid and makes me angry.
Too fucking bad.
In your country where the right of free expression and opinion is in the constitution, but I guess the French people are not suppose to have the same right as you, especially considering the Iraki war?
Since you're French you do not have the same rights that I do under the United States Constitution, but, you are free to say whatever you want to say about Iraq. I am free to say what I think of your opinion.
Here's what you dickheads cannot seem to get through those thick skulls of yours. Your country actively opposed us in the Iraq War. Had you sat back and done nothing, which I would expect to be normal French behavior, we would have not had any problems with you, but you actively opposed us. That makes you asswipes the enemy.
We are fighting WWIV. This war is your war too although you are too stupid to realize it. You didn't give us any help in the Cold War but at least you stayed out of the way. I wish you would do the same with this war. Wave your white flags of surrender and leave the fighting to the people who have balls. If you want to help, go teach Syria and Iran how to surrender.
Only "click continue reading" if you have a strong stomach.
Today's Monday Pun is from Richard.
For years, the campanile rang beautifully, under the guidance of a
master bell ringer. But one day, the bell ringer fell from the tower,
dying instantly. The distraught bishop advertised for a replacement.
The next day, the bell ringer's brother appeared and requested an
audition. The bishop sadly took him to the tower. As the man bent to
lift the hammer, he suffered a heart attack. He, too, plunged to his
death. A monk ran up the stairs and said to the bishop, "My God! How
terrible! What was his name?" Replied the weeping bishop, "
I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
I had a great time except for the going and coming.
Here are the cast of characters:
Crips:
Me.
Nancy - Spina bifida.
Jerry - Injured in car accident.
Pernell (aka the Big Guy) - Not sure of what caused his paralysis. He is a para olympic gold medal weight lifter and he is a big man.
Ray - skydiving accident left him with brain damage.
Able bodied folks:
Bert - Diver extraordinaire. Owner of Divers@Sea in Atlanta. He is HSA (Handicapped Scuba Association) Dive Buddy cerified.
Graham - Diver extraordinaire. Also HSA Dive Buddy certified.
Jeffrey - Diver extraordinaire. HSA Dive Buddy certified. He made his 100th dive on this trip.
Charlie - Diver extraordinaire. He's not HSA cerified yet but does have a rescue diver certification. He's my favorite dive buddy.
Laura - A Shepherd Center therapeutic recreation specialist. She is almost a diver extraordinaire and is working toward an HSA Dive Buddy certification.
Richard - Ray's father.
Debbie - Jerry's wife. She was the only non-diver on the trip.
Going:
I got to the airport at 10:00. As I was rolling toward the Delta counter I was intercepted by a Delta person who asked if I was in a group. I said yes and he informed me that we were to receive special treatment. Laura had called ahead and set this up. On all my Shepherd trips this was the first time this had happened. This was Laura's first trip and so far she had done good.
When almost all of us were there (Pernell was late, as usual), they checked us in and rolled us down to the gate. I didn't even have to push my own chair. Someone else did it for me. We breezed right through security and we made it to the gate with plenty of time to spare. Boarding went off without a hitch.
We had a layover in Miami and that is when things started going south. The Cayman Air flight to Grand Cayman and on to Cayman Brac was delayed. On the way to Grand Cayman the plane developed engine problems. We landed at Grand Cayman but since we had a bad engine the pilot had to use the brakes rather than reverse thrust to slow and stop the plane. It made for an interesting landing when the brakes are slammed on on a plane going in excess of 160 knots.
We had to change planes at Grand Cayman. That meant getting all the crips off the plane which entailed putting them in aisle chairs and carrying them down steps, then reversing the process to get on the new plane. Ray and I were able to walk up and down the steps.
The pilot blew the landing on Cayman Brac. He went into his flare too soon and he stalled about three feet above the runway. Bam! We dropped from the sky and hit Cayman Brac.
We didn't get to Cayman Brac until 11:00 PM. Fortunately, the resort kept the dining room open for us so we could eat supper.
I was still coughing the night we arrived. I awoke the next morning and my coughing had stopped. Hooray!
The dive operation at Divi Tiara is first rate. The night we arrived they gave us a divebag and told us to put all of our dive gear in it and place it outside of our room. They took the divebag down to the boat and set everything up. At the end of the day, they rinsed all of our stuff off and set up for the next day's diving. All we had to take care of were our masks, snorkels, fins, and exposure suits. At the end of the trip, they rinsed everything off, put the stuff in our divebags, and returned them to our rooms.
Outside of the first day, the diving was awesome. The first day, there was a strong wind blowing straight down the island and there was not really a calm place to dive. I was OK in the water, but after I got on the boat after the first dive, I got sick. We went back to the dock between dives and Ray and his father got off. Ray and his father had been in the Navy as had I and we were the ones who got sick.
We went back out to do a second dive, and, once again, I was OK in the water, but immediately got sick as soon as I got on the boat.
I dove with either Charlie, Jeffrey, or Laura. Bert usually doesn't require me to dive with someone HSA Dive Buddy certified. This was Nancy's first time so she always dove with someone HSA certified.
Let me say sumpin' about the people I dive with and divers in general. When I was a diver before my injury I was often alone, so I buddied up with someone on the dive boat. I never had a bad dive buddy. Bert and Laura as the people in charge are responsible for us. For Graham, Jeffrey, and Charlie this is a vacation, but they pitch in and help and they work just as hard as Bert and Laura. This is my fourth time diving with Graham, my third time with Charlie and my second time with Jeffrey. These guys are just awesome!
Cayman Brac has a wide variety of dive sites. There are walls, which I love to dive. Some of the walls are right at the edge of the Cayman Trench, which is 6000 feet down. When you look down over that wall you look down into nothingness.
They have wrecks. The best one is a Russian frigate which was sunk a few years ago. Ray used to be a cave diver before his accident. That means, when he sees an opening in a wreck, he wants to go through it. Jeffrey told him before we dove the wreck not to go inside but once he was at the wreck, he made a beeline for the opening and got inside. Jeffrey freaked. Ray did come out the other side, but not before scaring the crap out of Jeffrey.
We spent one day at Little Cayman diving Bloody Bay Wall. They have tame groupers that allow you to pet them.
On a dive at the Brac, I was diving with Charlie and we got about three feet away from an eagle ray. On the same dive we got about two feet away from a nurse shark. We saw lots of turtles.
Going:
We had to get up at 4:00 AM on Saturday to get to the airport on time to catch our flight home. The previous morning the 6:40 flight left right on time as I heard it. This morning, we left late. We got to Grand Cayman OK, but the plane had developed a problem so we had to change planes again, only this time it was worse. This time, we had to get off the plane, pick up our luggage at baggage claim, take it to the ticket counter and recheck it, go through security, and then get on the new plane.
We finally made it to Miami and got through customs OK. I remember when I used to travel outside the country, you could claim your luggage, take it through customs, and then drop it on a conveyer belt to be sent to the right airline. Now, because of the fucking terrorists, you have to take it all the way to the ticket counter and recheck it there. Delta is at the other end of the terminal from customs.
Y'know, I'm thinking that we should give the Muslims an incentive to stop terrorism. Here's the deal. You guys fix your religion, or the next time there is any kind of terrorism against Americans anywhere in the world we destroy Mecca. When that happens, you can thank Osama bin Laden or any of the other terrorist nutjobs. You want a holy war? We'll give you sheetheads the mother of all holy wars.
But, I digress. As luck would have it, there was a problem on the plane that we were supposed to take to Atlanta. Fortunately, we had a very good Delta rep who got us booked on the next flight out and we got to Atlanta only two hours later than we were supposed to.
I started coughing again on Friday night and was hacking pretty bad last night before I went to bed. I seem to be much better today, but then I slept most of the day.
Maybe the doctor was right. I do have an allergy. I'm allergic to Atlanta.
I'm back from the Brac. Comments are back on. I'm tired and hungry. I've been up since 4:00 AM. I just got back from Fresh Market and I'm gonna grill a filet mignon and open up a nice bottle of wine. But first, it's time for a Stoly on the rocks. This is all I'm gonna write tonight. I'll write about my trip tomorrow.
I hope you didn't think that just because I'm leaving that I wouldn't post Saturday Boobage. Happy 2005!
Tomorrow morning I'm heading off to Cayman Brac for a week of SCUBA diving. This is the trip that was stormed out last September. If I were a more trusting soul, I'd hand out the keys to this site to some guest bloggers. I really should have offered Addison a shot to do a post or two, but it's too late.
I've turned off comments because I still have not installed the fix for comment spammers that Jesse told me about. I got MT Blacklist but the fix he told me about blocks spambots. Maybe I can get him to do it for me when I get back. I'm afraid I might screw it up. Also, I like to moderate comments which I can't do 60 feet under water.
I'll be back next Saturday, but I'm not sure when I'll start blogging. My sister and her husband are coming down and Sunday and Monday we're gonna have a pruning party at GOC Central.
See y'all when I return. Glub. Glub. Glub.
Some booger eatin' moh-ron furriner, in the comments of my Kyoto post, bitched about our budget deficit and our trade deficit. I have solutions to them, just like I had a solution to global warming.
If he's a furriner, he should really be happy that we're running a trade deficit. That means we're buying more shit from the rest of the world than we're selling. It has been stated by the left that we are 4% of the world population but we produce 25% of the greenhouse gases. Guess what? We also produce 25% of the economic activity. The United States economy, the largest economy in the world, is the engine that powers the world economy. Does this asshat really want us to quit importing products from the rest of the world? Does he realize what a depression this would cause? Nope, 'cause he's a fucktard.
He also was bragging about how the Euro is worth $1.34. That's a good thing? That makes European products more expensive. Ask the French wine industry how they feel about a high Euro. They're crying to the French gummint for subsidies because sales are down, especially American sales. Cause, meet effect. Or, as I like to say, "Fuck the French". Yes, I'm still buying French wine, but I bought futures, which means that because of the rise in the Euro, I'm paying prices below the current market value. They ain't making any money off of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
OK. First I'm gonna fix the trade deficit.
1. Cut off all foreign aid except to countries that are our friends. That means we don't bribe Egypt to the tune of $2 billion a year to not wage war with Israel. No tsunami aid to Muslim countries. They hate us. Fuck 'em. No money to the Palestinians. AIDS money to Africa? Nope. Fuck 'em. This also helps with the budget deficit.
2. Get out of the United Nations and kick them out of New York. We can find a better use for our money and their headquarters than housing a bunch of America hating pissant countries' diplomats. This also helps our budget deficit.
3. Have Europe pay us the money we spent rebuilding their countries after WWll with interest. Here's the bill. Pay up. And while those ungrateful bastards are scraping up the money to do that, they can pay us for protecting them from the Soviet Union during the Cold War. This will also help our budget deficit.
4. Steal oil from Iraq. When is this shit gonna start happening? The barking moonbats on the left claim that is why we're in Iraq. "No blood for oil!" Stealing oil rather than paying for it would really help our balance of trade deficit.
5. Put up a toll gate at the Strait of Hormuz. Since the United States Navy keeps the sealanes safe, I think we should be paid for that. It will cost $10 a barrel to get through. This would also help the budget deficit.
OK. I've fixed the trade deficit and made a cut in the budget deficit. Now, I'm gonna finish the job.
1. Eliminate the Department of Education. It has completed the job of turning the public school system into a bunch of socialist indoctrination centers run by zero toerance idiots. Education should be funded and controlled at the local level. We don't need to send tax money to Washington to be run through an incompetent education bureaucracy and then sent back to the states after the idiots have taken their cut.
2. Eliminate the Department of Energy. Another gummint fiasco.
3. Eliminate the Department of Commerce. Does it do anything? Who's the Secretary of Commerce?
4. Eliminate the Department of Agriculture. We are awash in food in this country. We do not need to pay farmers to grow more. But what about the family farm? Fuck the family farm. Farming is a business. If you cannot make a profit without gummint help get out of the business. Do we subsidize Sid's Porno Shop? That's a small business. What makes Old MacDonald's farm so special? E I E I Fucking O.
5. Eliminate HUD. This is a local problem. Once again, why send money to Washington to support an incompetent bureaucracy that takes most of the money and then sends it back to the states? Poverty is not the province of the federal gummint. Poverty programs should be run by the states. If they have to raise state and local taxes to run the programs then so be it. More money is wasted in the poverty industry than in the defense industry. At least in the defense industry we have sumpin' to show for the money like jets, tanks, and ships. In the poverty industry we have created a permanent underclass that lives off the gummint teat.
6. Before any future spending bill is passed it must show in the Constitution where that spending bill is authorized. I like rock 'n' roll but I don't think the gummint should be giving the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame any money.
So there you go. I've made a big dent in both deficits. Hmmm! What problem should I solve next?
I know people who would check to make sure the edges were sharp.
Not just teenaged. Some of my young coworkers at IBM used "like" a lot.
The only thing funnier than this is naming an attack submarine after Jimmy Carter. Thanks to Pat for the link.
After reading this speech by Michael Chrichton, I have the solution to global warming. It's so simple and it uses the same junk science that the proponents of the Kyoto Treaty use.
Remember thirty years ago when these same people were worried about the nuclear winter? Setting off a bunch of nukes would plunge us into a new ice age. And remember when Carl Sagan said the oil fires in Iraq would cause a temporary change in climate? Of course the oil fires had no effect whatsoever. Sagan was using junk science.
Here's my solution to global warming. Let's nuke Syria, Iran, and North Korea. Using junk science I predict that this will counteract the warming effects of grrenhouse gases. As long as we use the right amount of nukes we can avoid the nuclear winter and just have a nuclear autumn. As a bonus, it will wipe out three terrorist states and tell the rest of the world not to fuck with us.
There. I've just solved global warming.
Now I'm gonna take some drugs and take a nap.
Went to see the doctor. Got lots of drugs. Here's one of 'em.
The muse is ill. I'm not writing anything tonight. Part of it is because some of the abject ignorance and stupidity I've read in the comments by people who:
1. Know absolutely nothing about economics.
2. Have displayed their ignorance and stupidity by actually thinking that Kyoto will solve global warming (it won't) and that nations signing on to the treaty will actually be able to meet the standards (they won't).
Also, I feel like crap and I'm going to bed early.
I still feel like crap! And now it turns out that just like my buddy Dan S. suspected, I am a binge drinker. According to sumpin' I read over at Daily Pundit, if you drink half a bottle of wine, you're a binge drinker. Let's see, I had a half a bottle of wine and a Stoly in te rocks tonight so I'm beyond binge drinking, I guess.
Oh God! Here comes another one of GOC's alcoholic rants!
I am so sick of this cold! I decided to make myself a nice meal tonight. I had baked chicken the way my mother used to make it. It was dark meat and I left the skin on. I also made mashed potatoes and gravy and not that wimpy brown gravy. I made the nice thick, artery choking white gravy that was so thick you could eat it with a fork. I take Zocor and anyway, the way I've felt the past week, this cold is gonna kill me before a heart attack will.
The barking moonbats of the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation, led by Cynthia Tucker, have written another editorial about how we should destroy our economy to save the world.
There's one in every neighborhood: the petulant, uncooperative homeowner who refuses to cut the grass in his front yard, drives faster than the speed limit and is content letting others pick up trash he thoughtlessly dumped at the curb. You know the type.
Yep! Obviously Republicans. They're the ones with the ugly yards and rundown houses.
As the larger community of developed countries has banded together to combat global warming, the intransigence of our government has cast the United States in that unflattering role. In this case, however, the consequences of our irresponsible behavior are far graver than those of your typically boorish neighbor.
It's the end of the world! And it's all the fault of the Bush administration!
After almost eight years of negotiation and delay, the Kyoto Protocol officially goes into effect Wednesday. The international treaty binds 131 industrialized nations to gradually lower their output of carbon dioxide and other "greenhouse gases" produced by human activities such as burning coal to produce electricity.
Hey! I got an idea. Let's replace all of our coal fired plants with nuclear power. Nope. Can't do that. The enviro-wackos are against that too.
A lengthening list of scientific studies conducted by our own government as well as independent researchers has confirmed that the proliferation of these gases is melting ancient glaciers, raising sea levels, endangering low-lying areas and threatening the survival of plant and animal species around the world.
I propose the Cobb County solution. Why don't we put stickers on those reports that state that global warming is just a theory that hasn't been proven. Remember, thirty years ago these same idiots were saying that we were headed for an ice age.
There's a great irony here: One of the reasons negotiations dragged on so long was the initial insistence of U.S. officials that the final Kyoto document contain a "cap-and-trade" system. As envisioned, participants that reduce their own greenhouse gas emissions more than required by the treaty would be allowed to sell their excess pollution "credits" to companies that exceed their mandated limits.Other delegates begrudgingly went along with the trading scheme, only to watch America walk away from the table when the Senate voted it down and President Bush reneged on a campaign pledge to sign the accords if elected.
What the liberal moonbats at the AJC fail to put in this editorial is that the Senate voted it down in 1998 by a vote of 98 to 0. Flipper was probably out windsurfing and Strom Thurmond was probably comatose so that meant that liberal icons like Ted "The Swimmer" Kennedy, Patty "Osama Mama" Murray, Tom "Obstructionist" Daschle, and Robert "Kleagle" Byrd voted against it. If you can't even get anti-American liberals to vote for Kyoto it must really be a piece of shit.
The problem isn't only that many of our elected officials have spurned the Kyoto Protocol,
Senate vote: 98-0.
it's that they've refused even to admit that global warming is occurring.
See science, junk.
Since the United States, with 4 percent of the world's population, is responsible for 25 percent of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, it's incumbent that we show leadership befitting world's last remaining superpower.
In other words, we should destroy our economy so Cynthia Tucker, Jay Bookman, and the other barking moonbats at the AJC can feel good. Signing on to Kyoto would do just that. It would devastate our economy. If Jay, Cynthia, and all the other enviro-wackos want to turn off their electricity and live like a Third World country, go ahead. Let them move into shacks. I happen to enjpy my standard of living.
That isn't happening. Bush and the nation's lawmakers have refused to increase fuel efficiency for American-made cars and trucks,
Poof! PFM! (Pure Fucking Magic) I now declare that cars will get 100 miles to the gallon. While I'm at it, I declare that everyone should be paid $100,000 per year and have free health care.
an overdue move that would lower carbon emissions while reducing our dependence on foreign sources of energy. They've also been lukewarm to forward-looking legislation such as the McCain-Lieberman Climate Stewardship Act that would mandate limits on greenhouse gases for polluting industries.
Shut those industries down! Move the jobs to China!
Granted, the Kyoto Protocol isn't perfect; it unwisely exempts fast-growing nations, including China and India, that are America's economic competitors and major sources of unchecked greenhouse gases.
No shit! We're supposed to destroy our economy while China is allowed unfettered growth. That is a liberal's wet dream.
Given the projected rate of global warming, some fear Kyoto may be too little, too late.
Actually, many scientific studies actually say that Kyoto will do nothing, but Kyoto does make mindless liberals feel good which is, after all, all that counts. They have done their part to "save the world". What a bunch of booger eatin' moh-rons!
But it's foolish for our nation to continue contributing to the problem while idly waiting for the perfect solution to materialize --- it won't. British Prime Minister Tony Blair recently pointed out why it's critical for the United States to remember the good-neighbor policy when it comes to global warming."If America wants the rest of the world to be part of the agenda it has set," Blair said, "it must be part of their agenda, too."
One word: Bullshit! Kyoto is not the solution. Global warming has not been proven.
It must really be nice to live in the liberal world where Poof. PFM! works. Unfortunately, in the real world, it doesn't.
Tina sent me this anti-Valentine's Day card.
In the spirit of Valentine's Day let's talk about a good neighbor. Here she is:
Her name is Wanita Renea Young. I'm sure you've heard of her. She's the bitch who suffered an anxiety attack when two girls knocked on her door to give her some cookies. When no one answered, the girls left the cookies with a note.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Wanita had to go to the emergency room because the girls knocking on her door scared the shit out of her. She then sued the girls' families for her medical expenses.
We now have a classic she said/they said situation. The girls' families said they offered to pay her medical bills, but she claimed they did not and took them to court. The judge, who is obviously an idiot, ruled in her favor.
Poor Wanita now claims she is being picked on.
The Colorado woman who sued two girls after they made an anonymous, nighttime cookie delivery said she and her family have been the target of hate mail, harassing phone calls and even death threats.
Boo freaking hoo! Cry me a farking river! BTW, how could it have been an anonymous delivery if she knew who delivered the cookies? The girls left a note with the cookies. They did this with all the other neighbors. None of the others had an anxiety attack.
This woman has an 18 year old daughter. If she is still in high school I'll bet she's having a lot of fun with her classmates. I would not like to be in her shoes.
Back when I was a teenager a person like this would have had a royal toilet paper display at her house. There would be a gift of some rotten eggs against the side of the house. Perhaps a few windows would have been waxed. The burning bag of shit at the front door wouldn't work since she wouldn't answer the door. We'd just dump the shit on her porch. Yeah. I was not a nice kid growing up.
As you can tell, I'm still in a rotten mood.
This is probably a result of one of Bush's draconian budget cuts.
Nancy sent me this poem and told me to forward it to all Americans. I'll do better. I'll post it here.
Eleven thousand soldiers
lay beneath the dirt and stone,
all buried on a distant land
so far away from home.
For just a strip of dismal beach
they paid a hero's price,
to save a foreign nation
They all made the sacrifice.
And now the shores of Normandy
Are lined with blocks of white:
Americans who didn't turn
from someone else's plight.
Eleven thousand reasons
for the French to take our side,
but in the moment of our need,
they chose to run and hide.
Chirac said every war means loss,
perhaps for France that's true,
for they've lost every battle
since the days of Waterloo.
Without a soldier worth a damn
to be found within the region,
the French became the only land
to need a Foreign Legion.
You French all say we're arrogant.
Well hell, we've earned the right--
We saved your sorry nation
when you lacked the guts to fight.
But now you've made a big mistake,
and one that you'll regret;
you took sides with our enemies,
and that we won't forget.
It wasn't just our citizens
you spit on when you turned,
but every one of yours
who fell the day the towers burned.
You spit upon our soldiers,
on our pilots and Marines,
and now you'll get a little sense
of just what payback means.
So keep your Paris fashions
and your wine and your champagne,
and find some other market
that will buy your airplanes.
And try to find somebody else
to wear your French cologne,
for you're about to find out
what it means to stand alone.
You see, you need us far more
than we ever needed you.
America has better friends
who know how to be true.
I'd rather stand with warriors
who have the will and might,
than huddle in the dark
with those whose only flag is white.
I'll take the Brits, the Aussies,
the Israelis and the rest,
for when it comes to valor
we have seen that they're the best.
We'll count on one another
as we face a moment dire,
while you sit on the sideline
with a sign, "friendship for hire."
We'll win this war without you
and we'll total up the cost,
and take it from your foreign aid,
and then you'll feel the loss.
And when your nation starts to fall,
well Frenchie, you can spare us,
just call the Germans for a hand,
they know the way to Paris.
Today's Monday Pun is from z.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed by sharks.
Finally Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I
was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately
swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed. Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old
mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he begged
to be changed back. It happened! What a miraculous thing! With tears of joy
in his tiny little prawn-eyes, Justin swam back to his friends. But looking
around the reef couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again, Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he
opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come
out and see me again!"
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian".
I'm in a foul mood. I've been that way most of the weekend. It's this goddam cold. It's not too bad during the day, but around midnight the hacking starts. I can't sleep. Even faithful old Nyquil doesn't work and that's the first time that has happened. I can sleep during the day just fine. Maybe I should become a nocturnal beast until I shake this cold.
Saturday, Cindy took me grocery shopping. We got in a short checkout line. There's only one person ahead of us, we think. We were wrong. There was a person who was all checked out, but had disappeared. She had forgot sumpin' and thought nothing of letting the people behind her wait. Finally, she showed up and sadly told the checkout clerk that she couldn't find the item, so she would just not get it.
"Finally!", I said under my breath.
But no, a helpful Kroger employee appeared and asked her what she was looking for. She told him and off they went to search for it. Now, I'm pissed. The checkout girl should have told her to pay up so she could check out those behind the fat, stupid bitch.
Finally, she appeared with the item. As she was walking by me I said, "Thanks for your consideration lady." She didn't respond.
Cindy said to me, "Stop it! You're acting like a child."
No, I was acting like someone who was pissed off at a fat, stupid, inconsiderate bitch who was holding up the line because she was an inconsiderate idiot. I was pissed off at the checkout clerk for allowing this bitch to hold up the line.
Cindy had me over for dinner on Saturday night and she, her husband Michael, and I drank our customary three bottles of wine. I demonstrated my new way of getting out of the chair I normally use in the family room after drinking copious quantities of wine. I got up the first time. No falling.
I got home and had a glass of Cognac. After that, I took a swig of Nyquil. You would think that I would pass out, right? Nope. I was up most of the night hacking away. So, I'm in a foul mood. There has to be sumpin' to cheer me up. Maybe I can find sumpin' in Sunday's Atlanta Urinal and Constipation.
Eason Jordan taking a fall is kinda neat. Let's hear it for the Blogosphere. We dudes in pajamas are pretty good. We nailed Dan Blather. We got the Swift Boat Veterans publicity that allowed them to raise enough money to put on ads in battleground states. And look now bloggers are being called sons of McCarthy. I love it!
Wait! Here's sumpin' to cheer me up!
Washington --- Former presidential candidate Howard Dean took over the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee on Saturday and immediately turned his attention to improving the party's political fortunes in Southern and Western states and its standing with anti-abortion religious conservatives across the country.
Cool! Howard "I have a scream" Dean is gonna try to make the Yabbuts credible in the South. This oughta be fun to watch.
Dean told reporters that he expects to spend much of his four-year term in the South and the West, where President Bush won convincing victories in his two White House campaigns.
Hey Howie! Three words: Come on down!'
'To the extent this job is on the road, I will be pretty much living in red states in the South and West for quite a while,'' Dean said. ''That's where we need a lot of work. I think that's where there are people who are most skeptical about the Democratic Party. And I think the way to get people not be skeptical about you is to show up and talk and say what you believe.''
But that's your problem Howie. If you say what you really believe here in the South you won't get elected because we don't believe what you believe. You have to lie to get elected. Like on abortion.
''Democrats aren't pro-abortion,'' Dean said. ''Our belief is not that we are pro-abortion, but we do believe that a woman has a right to make up her own mind about what kind of health care she wants.''
Huh? They're not pro-abortion, but they believe that any woman can have an abortion anytime she wants. That sure sounds like pro-abortion to me.
Like on gay marriage.
Democrats aren't for gay marriage, either, he said, but rather are ''the party that has always believed in equal rights under the law for all people.''
Once again, huh? So does "equal rights under the law" mean gay marriage or doesn't it?
''We have to remind Catholic Americans that the social mission of the Democratic Party is almost exactly the social mission of the Catholic Church,'' Dean said.
Except for that pesky abortion issue and that pesky gay marriage issue.
What does John Edwards have to say about Howie?
"And my view has always been that the chairman is not the spokesperson for the party anyway. There are going to be several people speaking for the party over the next year or so."
Dissension in the ranks already?
Back to Howie.
''If we have a very clear message,
We are not for abortion but we're not against it. We're not for gay marriage but we're not against it. Yep. Sounds clear to me.
then people will understand what Democrats believe in,
Saying whatever it takes to get elected.
and frankly, I believe more Americans are aligned with the beliefs of the Democratic Party than they are with the beliefs of the Republican Party,'' Dean said.
The only problem Howie, is that they're voting for Republicans.
The next four years should be a lot of fun.
Even Pumpman has to admit that this is about the cutest thing he has ever seen.
Since Saturday is about boobage at this site, I thought I would post a poem for the ladies that Catfish sent me.
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully.
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a mammogram.
" O.K." I said, "let's do it."
" Stand up here real close" she said,
{She got my boob in line},
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There that's good," I heard her say,
{The room was slowly swaying.}
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezes me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done
To her tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Last Spring I installed a Jacuzzi in my back yard. From that point
on my neighbors think they have an open invitation to use it whenever
they please. The other night I was trying to enjoy my dinner while all
the neighbors were in the Jacuzzi making loud noise, and hollering at me
to come and join them, as if they were inviting me to join them in my
own hot tub!
Last night I wanted to go to bed early, but they had my back yard light
on and were actually holding a party. "Come on in!", they kept hollering.
What should I do? I am about to say something hateful to them. I really
don't want to offend anyone. Please provide me with comments and/or
suggestions.
Oh well, I guess I can tolerate it just a little bit longer.....
Update: I can see by the comments that some people didn't click on continue reading. Psssst. It's a joke.
Farking cold! I got home from my dinner and wine tasting around 10:00 PM and went to bed around 11:00. Unfortunately, I did not get to sleep until around 3:00 AM. I had this dry hacking cough that kept me awake.
I emulated the King brothers, Martin and Dexter, by getting up at the crack of noon. I still felt like crap so I went back to bed for another hour. I didn't do my Friday session at the gym. This cold is really pissing me off.
My friend Cindy stopped by the drug store on her way home from work and picked up some Nyquil for me. I'll take a double dose of that before I go to bed and hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Thursday night's dinner and tasting was fantastic. Our host was Randall Graham, the owner of Boony Doon. Randall is quite a character with a wicked sense of humor and his wines and their labels reflect that. Bonny Doon has also gone completely to screw off caps. This offends some purists, but with screw off caps you don't have to worry about a bad cork contaminating the wine or a dry cork allowing air into the bottle.
Yeah, short post. Sue me. Gotta get Saturday Boobage ready to go.
Woe is me! I slept late this morning because of my bloody cold. I've just finished my daily research which included reading the entire Atlanta Urinal and Constipation and checking out the many blogs I read. I've finished reading my mail. Now I have to write sumpin'. I have to write now because (Oh poor pitiful me!) I have to go to a free dinner and wine tasting tonight with the owner of Boony Doon winery. 'Tis a sad, sad life I sometimes lead.
So what can make me happy? Why don't I write about cellphones on planes. Don't we all look forward to that day?
Some organization did some research and asked people what modern invention was most essential to them. It turned out it was the cellphone. Arrrrggghhhh! I don't know about you, but I don't really like listening to other peoples' telephone conversations. I enjoyed that Superbowl commercial where the guy was on the phone in the convenience store and was using his cellphone and said, "You're being robbed!". The asshole deserved exactly what he got.
I almost got hit by some dipshit (and he was male) driving a ten ton SUV who blissfully ran a red light while talking on his cellphone. I was in a BMW Z3 so he would probably have crushed me.
Last year I was in a grocery line behind a father and his three unruly kids. He was on his cellphone. The kids were running wild. I wanted to snatch the phone out of his hands, throw it across the store, and tell him to pay attention to what he was doing.
I think restaurants should have cellphone sections. Put them in with the smokers. That way they could piss each other off.
Let's see. Now when we fly we have to put up with cramped seating, screaming babies, and little kids kicking the backs of our seats. As if that isn't bad enough, they're thinking of allowing people to talk on cellphones too? That's all I want on a long flight: some buttmunch sitting next to me talking on his cellphone for the entire flight.
If the airlines really want to give us customers a break, I have a solution. Do what they used to do with smokers. Let's have a cellphone section and a no cellphone section. And while they're at it, add to the cellphone section the screaming babies and the kids kicking the backs of our seats.
I'd pay a premium to fly on that airline.
They think we're cute now. Do you think we have them fooled?
Late post. Busy day.
Cindy was taking one of her dogs to the vet and asked me if I wanted to take Ashley to have her ears looked at. Good idea. Turns out Ashley has ear mites. That's what I thought was the problem with her ears two months ago. Anyway, they cleaned them out and then put stuff in her ears that are supposed to kill the mites. She was not a happy cat.
Then I had to go down to the pool at Shepherd to do some SCUBA practice. A week from this Saturday I'm off to Cayman Brac for a week of diving. We were gonna go last September, but one of the hurricanes put a stop to that.
My left shoulder is still sore and I have a slight cold. Neither of them bothered me in the pool.
What else is going on in Atlanta. What have we here? Cynthia Tucker is going after the King family again. That takes courage in Atlanta.
It seems the King Center has fallen on hard times.
In the years after her husband's assassination, Coretta Scott King tapped into a deep wellspring of guilt, regret and longing to raise funds for a memorial: the Martin Luther King Jr. Center for Nonviolent Social Change. In 1981, she completed a landmark $8 million building, with her husband's tomb as its centerpiece. The King Center was to be a dynamic institution that would keep the dream alive.But the center never came close to its potential. Now, it is close to collapse. Nearly 40 years after King's death, the facility is crumbling; educational and advocacy programming is nonexistent; staff layoffs have claimed even the janitor.
How could this be?
The King Center has been ruined by the King family.
WTF? How did this happen?
King's heirs have always been at least as interested in self-aggrandizement and material comfort as they have been in advocating civil rights and social justice. Even as fund-raising has lagged, King's adult sons — Martin III and Dexter — continue to pay themselves six-figure salaries as executives of the institution. They have even mortgaged a nearby landmark, their father's birth home.
Six figure salaries? It seems that the reflecting pool is leaking. The electical wiring has become a fire hazard. The restrooms have backed up sewers. The place is a mess, but Dexter King makes around $180,000 and Martin III makes about $150,000. Not bad bucks to do nothing.
Cynthia continues.
Now that the center is barely able to meet payroll, its staff cut by nearly three-quarters and repairs desperately needed on the leaking roof and the crumbling reflecting pool, King Center advocates want more government funds to help with the estimated $11 million needed for maintenance. According to former U.N. Ambassador Andrew Young, who was once a close confidant of King's and continues to be a staunch defender of his heirs, "A lot of money needs to go into maintenance, and that can't be the responsibility of the family."
Yep! Gotta keep paying Dexter and Marty III the big bucks.
Nonsense. Congress should not set aside another dime for the King Center until the family agrees to deed the facility — lock, stock and barrel — over to the National Park Service. That's the only way to ensure that taxpayer funds won't be used to subsidize Dexter's apartment out in Malibu. (While Dexter, who fancies himself an actor, still collects a salary and benefits package of $188,000 a year as board chairman and COO, he spends much of his time in Southern California.)
An actor? I guess so. He's acting like he's running the King Center. Unfortunately, he and his brother are running it into the ground but he did have a vision at one time.
When Dexter took over the center in 1995, he stripped away the last vestiges of civil rights crusading to concentrate on profitmongering. He visited the managers of the Elvis Presley estate to try to figure out how he could market his late father as they had marketed the dead singer. The family even fought the National Park Service's proposal to build a visitors' center near the King Center: the family wanted the site to build a for-profit museum — a sort of "I Have a Dreamland." (Fortunately, the visitors' center was built.)
I have a Dreamland. I love it. I don't often agree with Cynthia Tucker but she is right on here. She went after the King family a while back when they tried to get $20 million for some of King's papers.
The family will not easily or quickly concede that it ought to turn the King Center over to the National Park Service, which has the managerial expertise to maintain the property. The Kings are notoriously difficult to negotiate with. A few years ago, U.S. Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-S.C.) was close to persuading a reluctant Congress to offer the family $20 million for a large stash of King's papers, which would have gone to the Library of Congress. But the family insisted on retaining the copyrights, so Congress backed away.
And she finishes with a final flourish.
Nevertheless, prominent activists ought to open talks with the family on the future of the King Center. If they don't surrender it, the facility will soon be an eyesore — and a huge advertisement for the way in which the King heirs have debased the dream.
But they have made a lot of money off of King's legacy. Ya gotta love the King family. He had a dream. They have a scheme (to make money) and it's working.
Dude! I'm not hyper. I'm just practicing my karate.
Last night I wrote a tongue in cheek post on Social Security and how I was now against private accounts because stupid peope would lose money and then go crying to the gummint to "do sumpin'". A lot of people disagreed with my reasoning.
Let me say that I actually believe in private accounts, but, many of the points I raised were valid and mark my words, if we do get private accounts, which I doubt, many of the things I predict will come true.
Kim posted:
I believe the people you refer to in your post will be the same ones who will opt to stay in the old system. But I would rather have the private accounts and support the stupid than not. We are always going to support the stupid.
Nope. Many stupid people think they're smart and they will invest and lose money. You're right. As long as there is a Yabbut Party, we'll support the stupid. Dimocrats believe in subsidizing stupidity. Look what they have done to the public school system.
Radtec said:
No one is saying, implying or even 'hinting' that anyone..stupid or not, MUST invest on their own. I'm surprised you could miss that key element. If the stupid don't want to try and invest, up to...4%..wich will only be available after a sloooooww rise to that point, then they do nothing. The regular 8% will come out of their pay just like always. Of course, that's assuming they aren't too stupid to have a job that withholds taxes and SS.Drink less wine. Being able to keep some of my hard earned cash, to use as I see fit, instead of handing it over to the government, to blow leaving me with nothing, is a GOOD THING. Stupid poor people won't bother trying to invest since they are stupid. Anyone who takes a chance, pays their money. The thing that gets me, is those against the idea of being responsible for their own lives, pretend that the government will 'always' be there to pick up the pieces.
What bullshit.
Drink less wine? Horrors! I drink it for my heart. I'm having a glass as I write this.
Once again, stupid people do not think they are stupid. Want examples? Barbra Streisand, Cher, and the rest of the Hollywood liberals.
Ryan G. posted (He's smart. He married my sister.) the following safeguards:
1. Any percentage of monies allocated to "privatized" retirement accounts must be invested in some kind of diversified funds that will be "risk" approved by government or a government appointed oversight agency.2. The individual will be required to have "privatized" investments deducted from payroll and deposited directly into an approved fund.
3. Approved funds will not include stock from a single company or from so called "high risk" funds.
The only clear difference likely between social security retirement funds as they exist now and "privatized" investment is that deductions will not be a tax. Accumulated funds will belong to the investor, even though the investment will be required of the individual by fiat. It is from this that other benefits, such as rollovers and inheritance rights devolve.
4. "Investors" will likely be restricted from withdrawing "privatized" retirement funds until reaching some government mandated minimum retirement age.
These are very good safeguards and I'm hoping that that is what will happen if we do have private accounts. But as Wynn posted:
I'm not that worried about stupid people, they will always be stupid. "As soon as they build something idiot proof, they will build a better idiot" fits rather nicely here.
Chris had some interesting thoughts:
So what is the difference between some dumbass pissing away their social security now with poor investing ability and the dumbass 50 years in the future taking their social security check to the indian casino to make sure they can be rich? A dumbass will always find a way to screw themselves. I say "piss on 'em". Lets just skip the whole social security farce and phase it out. I am relatively young, so I pretty much figure on never seeing a check anyway. And even if I do, what I will be getting will maybe pay for a bag of cat chow per month, after inflation fixes it. Quit punishing the majority of people who have an ounce of common sense to bail out the dumbasses.
Watch out Chris. Those dumbasses who go to Indian casinos also vote and at a higher percentage than the general population. Why do you think that there is now a prescription drug benefit with medicare? Also, AARP is totally against private accounts. Bush doesn't have to run again, but all the other politicians in Congress do.
This from the General:
YOU'RE WRONG! BUsh's plan for saving social security is the ONLY thing that will work. It's obvious. If poor people are stupid and lose money, why should ANYONE help them? No taxes, nothing.
General, poor stupid people can vote, and they vote for Yabbuts. How else can you explain Cynthia McKinney, Barbara Boxer, Maxine Waters, and Sheila Jackson-Lee?
From Annie:
It seems as if a lot of people are under the impression that the Stupid are few. I find that to be quite the opposite. So it only makes sense to implement a "Stupidity Tax." Just tax the Stupid people! That way, you and I are exempt and the country is rolling in dough!
Funny you should bring that up Annie. I wrote a piece a few years back called Tax The Stupid. The liberals like to scream about the lottery being a tax on the poor. It's voluntary. No one holds a gun to their heads and tells them to buy lottery tickets. Let's have a national lottery.
Here in Georgia at the local convenience stores I always see stupid poor people buying beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets. The taxes on cigarettes and the purchase of lottery tickets are taxes on the stupid. I've probably just pissed off a bunch of my fellow Georgia bloggers since so many of them smoke. As smart as most of them are, I don't understand why.
Tax the crap out of cell phones. Somehow I see a lot of stupid poor people with them. If they can afford a cell phone they can afford a cell phone tax.
Yeah, I know, I'm a mean, vicious, heartless bastard but I can guarantee that with private accounts many people, due to their own stupidity, will fuck up and demand that the gummint save them from their stupidity. If the lamestream media still exists we'll see the perky Katie Courics of that era showing oh so much compassion for all the poor people who lost their Social Security money in the stock market.
Unfortunately, since we are such a compassionate nation, we cannot say fuck the poor. We've already thrown $5 trillion dollars down that shithole called the War on Poverty. What's another $5 trillion to save Social Security?
This oughta drive liberals crazy!
Want one? You can get it here.
Link sent to me by Ryan.
I'm really pissed that Pumpman didn't find a place for me in his cabinet. I guess it's time for another round of catbombing.
I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!
Hey Bubba! Hold my beer and watch this!
Is he doing what I think he's doing?
Now c'mon. No one could be that drunk or that stupid, right?
Dude, "blow it out your ass" is just an expression.
Sent to me by Charlieb.
Dammit! I hate it when this happens. I have to admit I was wrong about sumpin'.
I had my friends Michael and Cindy over for dinner on Saturday and we got to discussing Social Security. It seems all three of us are having second thoughts about private accounts.
Let's look at a difference between conservatives and liberals.
Conservatives believe in personal responsibility. Liberals don't. Get knocked up? Have an abortion. Make poor choices and have more children than you can afford? Look to gummint for help.
Conservatives think that people are smart enough to make good choices in managing their lives. Liberals think people are stupid and need gummint to tell them how to run their lives. Unfortunately, liberals are partially correct. There are people too stupid to manage their own lives and finances, like people who drop out of school and try to raise a family on minimum wage.
Last week the Atlanta Urinal and Constipation ran a series of articles about predatory lenders taking advantage of poor people. There was one example of a woman who quit her job at the airport after 9/11 because she was afraid to work there anymore. When she was unable to find another job, she fell behind on her mortgage payments and was shocked to find out that the bank could repossess her house and sell it at auction. I'm supposed to feel sorry for this woman? Maybe if she got laid off, but she quit her job without having another job lined up. Employment 101: Don't quit a job unless you have another one waiting. This is an example of someone too stupid to manage a private Social Security account.
Another example from these articles was a man who used a medical settlement to buy a Cadillac Escalade. He then turned around a few months later and had to take out a title loan on the vehicle. When he couldn't make the payments he lost the vehicle. Cause, meet effect. This is someone too stupid to manage a Social Security account.
Private accounts would be a boon to many young workers today. They would be a much better deal than the current system and they would allow the money to be passed on to descendants.
Unfortunately, they would not work with stupid people. Many of the poor in this country are that way for a reason. They made bad choices. They dropped out of school. They had children at an early age. Some of them continued to have children even though they couldn't afford the ones they had. Private accounts would not work for them because they would make the same type of bad choices with the accounts as they made with their lives. If they did manage to even have anything in their accounts at retirement they would probably take all the money and blow it and then cry because they didn't have any money.
Now we would have a whole shitload of stupid poor people and guess what we would have to do? We would have to support them. And where would the money come from? The same place it always does. It will come from the people who made good decisions. That will mean higher taxes. It always does.
So Michael, Cindy, and I don't think the partial privatization of Social Security is a good idea after all. Anyway, I'll be dead in 2042 when it goes broke so why should I care? I'll get mine. Let's do what the Yabbuts want to do and tweak the system. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Gen X and Gen Y, you are gonna be so fucked!
Today's Monday pun comes from Tina.
There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos.
During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he is known as ..
Are you ready?
You're going to love this-
The CHIP-MONK
As long as we're doing aviation today here is a joke about pilots from Catfish.
Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Woody and another person sent me these pictures of the new Airbus A380.
And the best feature of them all.
That was a long way to go to get to Saturday Boobage.
By bad news, I mean bad news for the Yabbuts like Ted "swimmer" Kennedy, Robert "Kleagle" Byrd, Michael "Mr. Creosote" Moore, Howard "Yeeaarrgggghhh" Dean, Flipper, and Babs (both Boxer and Streisand). My sister just received an e-mail from my nephew. Here is part of it.
I've been busy! We had to go secure an important bridge during the elections. It was mayhem, but it went down well. So many people showed up to vote, it was hard to take them all in. In fact, a few people weren't able to vote because there were SO many people and they couldn't get everyone through in enough time. Iraqis really like democracy it seems.
Whoda thunk it?
Good news. He is relocating back to Germany soon.
From my friend Pres.
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.
Then..being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
Are you cleaning? Or were you flying somewhere?
Or maybe that's stupidity. Or too much to drink. Or a death wish.
To: Henry Reed, Speaker of the Senate
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Harvey:
I wasn't going to watch the moron's speach last night, but Jim made me do it. I have to humor him every now and then and let him think that he wears the pants in the family. I mean, I'm an international superstar and he sells transmissions.
I just cannot stand looking at that idiot smirk. It's bad enough that he stole the election in 2000 by 500 votes but then he steals the 2004 election by 90,000 votes. How did you Democrats let that happen?
Can you believe he wants to privatize Social Security? He wants to let people control their own money. How stupid is that? I have accountants manage my money. Average Americans are not smart enough to manage their own money. They proved how dumb they were by voting for Republicans.
What is up with those Iraqis and their blue fingers? Don't they know how to wash their hands? Why are they so proud of being filthy? Even my maid, Conchita, and my gardener, Pedro know how to wash their hands. I'll bet there's a shortage of soap in Iraq. Just another example of how Bush and Renfield have screwed up the war.
He says he wants to do something about immigration. He better not stop Mexicans from coming here. If not for them, I wouldn't have my house cleaned or my grounds taken care of.
And why is he against happy marriage? I think everyone should be happy in marriage but if not, they should be allowed to get a divorce. He's for a constitutional amendment forbidding happy marriage. How dumb is that? Next thing you know he's going to appoint judges who will forbid divorce. I tell you, I'm ready to leave the country.
"We as Democrats may be in the minority in Congress, but we speak for the majority of Americans." (Right off her website. Some of this stuff I can't make up. - GOC)
I'm looking forward to working with you and the rest of the Democrats in the coming months. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.
Luv ya,
Babs
Update: As Greg pointed out in comments the quote above was from a speech given by Ted "Swimmer" Kennedy. Babs posted the speech on her site. It is such liberal blather that I thought it was from Babs.
She just loves him for his personality.
From Clay.
My friend Cindy sent me these.
"THE GREAT COMMUNICATOR"....
Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the
government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's
just that they know so much that isn't so."
- Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was
too strong."
- Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have
looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
- Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but
doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at
one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
- Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a
nation gone under."
- Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program."
- Ronald Reagan
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything
that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the
middle of a Cabinet meeting."
- Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession; I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards;
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable
as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
- Ronald Reagan
"An economist is someone who sees something happen and wonders whether it would work in theory."
- Ronald Reagan
Can you solve it?
The answer: I love country music.
Dan sent me this link and asked me to tell everyone about it.
Did y'all see the State of the Union Speech? Never fear. If you didn't, here's my instant summary
Bush came in, shook a lot of hands, and everyone applauded. Naturally, my Congresscritter, Cynthia McKinney was on the aisle so she could be seen with the president.
Hastert intoduced the president and everyone applauded again. Here's the summary of the speech.
1. Restrain spending.
They showed Hillary. She looks like crap! She's overdue for another botox injection. They showed Kerry. I'm surprised he was there. He looked pissed.
2. Stop junk lawsuits.
3. Health care stuff including medical liability reform.
4. Energy stuff.
He pronounced nuclear properly!
5. Fix the tax code.
Like that's gonna happen.
6. Immigration stuff.
I disagreee with most of his immigration policies.
They showed Barak Obama. He looked pissed. Cone to think of it, most of the people in the Yabbut Party looked pissed off tonight.
7. Social Security. Strengthen it. Private accounts.
I could do an entire post on Social Security. I have before. It is a Ponzi scheme, otherwise known as a pyramid scheme and they always fail. Besides that, they are illegal. To make them work, you have to constantly get more people putting money in. In other words, the base of the pyramid needs to continue to get larger. Unfortunately, with Social Security the base is getting smaller. And there is not trust fund. It's been spent. It's full of IOU's from the gummint. The Yabbut Party wants to put off the day of reckoning. Also, in their patronizing manner, they think that Americans are too stupid to manage their own money. Some of them are. I call these people Yabbuts (Dimocrats).
8. Constitutional Marriage Amendment.
This is bullshit! It's a waste of time and effort. I'm against most constitutional amendments. Fortunately, there is no chance of this passing. This is just like Reagan being for a flag burning amendment and prayer in schools. Bush is catering to his base.
9. He wants judges who interpret laws, not judges who legislate from the bench.
I'm with him on this one.
10. Hey Yabbuts in the Senate! Don't filibuster my judicial appointments.
11. AIDS stuff. Blacks have the highest rate. We need to fix that.
Barak Obama actually smiled.
12. Security stuff.
I'll give you some security advice Dubya. Police the farking borders and stop illegal immigration.
13. Continue killing terrorist scumbags.
14. Support the troops.
15. Promote freedom worldwide.
16. $350 million to the Palestinians.
There's $350 million shot to hell.
17. Look out Syria! You're next!
18. would like to invade Iran but we don't have enough troops. We'll have to depend on the Euro-weenies and the United Nations.
Yeah. Like that's gonna work. There was also sumpin' in there about North Korea. They're so poor they're eating dirt. With any luck the gummint will collapse.
19. Iraqis voted.
Sofia, an Iraqi woman who voted, was sitting nest to Laura. She raised her ink stained finger.
In one of the most touching moments of the speech, Bush introduced the parents of a Marine who was killed in Fallujah. They were sitting right behind Sofia and she and the mother hugged.
20. When Iraq is free and able to defend itself, we are outta there.
21 Let freedom ring!
That's it. I could give the same speech in fifteen minutes. It took Dubya fifty-three minutes.
When I was an instructor I always gave real short lectures, but then, it didn't take me long to tell the students everything I knew.
I'm still sore! I was gonna go to the pool tonight and brush up on my SCUBA skills, but my shoulders and upper arms are still bothering me.
Let's see, where did I leave off?
After my first day of skiing, Sherry commanded suggested that we eat at the fondue place. We had to go up steps but she knew I could get up some way or another and I did. I crawled up. After dinner, I used the bannister and Ryan's shoulder to get back down. Then back to the hotel. I think we did the hot tub after dinner.
The next morning was another sunny day and today, my instructor was Jennifer. I'm always amazed that girls like Jenn are able to manhandle me and the mono-ski onto the chairlift. They're also able to get me and the rig upright when I fall, which I do a lot. I weigh about 195 and the mono-ski is not all that light.
Last year, the catch phrase was awesome. I didn't hear it at all the first day. To Quinton, everything is sweet. I thought awesome might have been passe. Nope, Jenn used it all the time.
Jenn cranked off a lot of brake on my outriggers and I started skiing better. On my second run she skied up behind me and pushed my right elbow forward and said "This is where your elbow should be! And keep those 'riggers closer in." What a difference! All of a sudden I had a lot more control.
I have a good picture of me skiing on Tuesday but my scanner is not working tonight so here's a link to a picture of Jenn and me going down Silverthorn at Breckenridge.
That afternoon we all met up at the top of Silverthorn for our group picture. After that it was more skiing.
Jenn took me over to El Dorado. Lower El Dorado is the site of my most fantastic wipeouts. Last year I made one that Sherry rated a 10. Quinton said I didn't get a 10 because I stayed in my rig. I made it down the first time but I cheated. Rather than doing turns down the entire hill, halfway down I just went straight down and across the bottom of Bonanza to bleed off speed.
The next time down, I tried to do it right and I made a spectacular wipeout. I landed on my right shoulder and I bounced. I almost did a flip on the rebound. Jenn was impressed. I was sore. That was my last attempt of El Dorado for the rest of the week.
That night, I took some anti-inflamatory medicine I had for my back spasms. That, and a lot of range of motion exercises kept my shoulder from tightening up.
The third day of the ski trip is usually an optional day but I chose to take two lessons. These were not included in the trip and I paid extra for them. I had Charlie as an instructor. Charlie is an old fart like me. In fact, he's two years older. The only time he does stand up skiing is when he is teaching. Any other time, he uses a mono-ski since he has bad knees. He worked me on nice turns. He had me feather the outriggers and to breath at the proper times to get my shoulders in the right position. Breathing and looking downhill got me to roll my shoulders at the proper time. By the end of the day, I was skiing better than I ever had before. He told me that on the next day I could make two runs down Silverthorn to loosen up and I'd be ready to tackle Bonanza.
The last day I had Willie. He's been teaching at BOEC for 14 years and can teach in every skiing program. He's in charge of the snowboarders and I could tell by his consistent use of "dude".
Willie got me started on hockey stops. This is where you make a sharp turn and skid on the uphill edge of the ski. The trick here is the skid and not falling into the hill. Once again, look down the hill. Also, I need to somehow compress the spring on my mono-ski. Yeah. Easier said than done.
Anyway, by the end of the morning, I'm nailing Ballet (a steep part at the bottom of Silverthorn) with beautiful S turns and letting the hill do all the work.
Awesome!
That afternoon we tackled Bonanza. This is usually the first blue run that beginners try to ski. As such, there are signs all over telling everyone to ski it slowly. They even have Slow Patrol dudes up there.
On the way up on the lift, Willie and I strageterized on how I'm supposed to ski it. One of the things he tells me is that if I decide to turn stay committed and don't balk. That is the most common mistake of first timers.
We got off the lift and skied down to the first steep part. It was almost as steep as the cliff my sister took me down after my first standup ski lessons twenty years ago, but that's a story for another time.
I started skiing and I was making some decent turns and was feeling pretty good. I can do this. I'm skiing to the right and am just starting to make a turn to the left when ... Bam! Some asshole runs right into me and sends me flying.
Wille is pissed.
Willie: Dude! You need to watch where you're going.
Asshole skier: He ran into me.
Willie: Bullshit! You ran into him and you are the uphill skier. You're supposed to miss him, dude.
A snowboarder who had been resting came over and said, "Dude, I saw the whole thing, That asshole was clearly at fault."
Willie is hot and is debating whether he should go over and kick the shit out of the asshole skier.
By this time the Slow Patrol showed up. They made sure I was OK and then went down to the asshole skier and made him come up and apologize to me.
This incident kinda shot my confidence (a likely excuse). I made it down the rest of Bonanza with many falls. Sherry, Ryan and Willie were running interference for me but even so, Sherry told me there were three more near misses by people who nicked my ski.
Willie gave me the option of doing another run which I took. This was my third year and I finally made it off the bunnny slope. My sister got all the athletic ability in my family. I can do stuff, but I have to really work at it. I knew this was my last run of the year and I wanted to do as well as I could. Alas, I sucked.
Once again, I was making some good turns and I was getting ready to make a right turn back across the hill and I realized that there was a good chance I was gonna hit one of the ski lift poles so I balked. That meant I was headed straight down the hill at about 500 miles per hour and when I tried to turn I made a spectacular fall. It wasn't as good as an El Dorado fall but it was close.
Somehow, I made it safely down the rest of the hill. Finally, I think I can actually do this. I'm really looking forward to next year. Providing we can afford it (My sister and I are both retired and to hear her tell it she is just a few bills away from the poor house.) next year we will go on two ski tirps. I may even break down and buy my own rig.
We made it back to Atlanta Friday afternoon and while standing outside the terminal wiating for Ryan to get the car, I was colder than I had been in Colorado.
Ryan and Sherry drove back to Columbia that night to miss the ice storm. It's a good thing they did since it hit both Atlanta and Columbia. Fortunately, I didn't lose power.
Now I have to recover since I'm going diving at Cayman Brac in a few more weeks.
