To: Senator Larry Cregg, Senator from Iowa
From: Barbara Streisand
Dear Barry:
I was sad to hear about your recent problem and how those mean Republicans are demanding that you resign. How bad is that? There's nothing wrong with being gay and I have a solution for all of your problems. Switch parties. In the Democcratic Pary we embrace gays. We don't demand that you resign for playing footsie with someone in a public bathroom. And what's up with that? If you wanted some gay sex I'm sure that Benny Frank could have fixed you up with someone. And speaking of Ernie, doesn't he have the cutest little lisp. I just love him to death.
Anyway, if you switched parites, you could be out in the open and upfornt about your gayness. And Democrats won't demand that you resign. After all we had Gary Studds who was having sex with male pages and we Democrats kept reelecting him. That's the way we are. We are very forgiving people to our fellow Dmocrats. Buggereing pages is nowhere near as bad sas sending dirty e-mails to them like that Mick Foley dude. Eeeeewwww! I would never want him to becone a Democrat.
If you changed parties, I'm sure the citizens of Nebraska would admire you for your honesty and reelect you for as long as you wanted to serv.
So come on. Come out of the closet and become a Democrat. You know you want to. Then Barny Frunk would invite you to all of his parties and I would
luv ya,
Babs
To: Nicholas Zarkov President of France
From Barbra Streisand
Dear Nicky,
Can I call you Nicky? I'm sure I can. Since you kissed me when I received that Legion Medal. I want to thank you for both the medal and the kiss. French guys really know how to kiss. You could teach my husband a thing or to.
I still cannot believe that you are a conservative! You remind me more of our famous liberals John Kennedy and Bill Clinton. You are just as charming as both of them.
Most Americans are more like the French. If Busch hadn't stolen the last election you would get to deal with John Kerrey who actually speaks French. As I'm sure you're aware, our current presdient hardly speaks Engilsh.
Fortunately, we will have a new president and this time it will be a Democrat. Then Fraqnce and the Untied States can be friends again.
I almost moved to France back in the early 90's. If Bill Clinton had lost his first election I would have left the country and moved to France. I admire the way the French government takse care of everyone. We could use theat in our country where he have rampant poverty and unemployment because of those evil Republicns. I hate them!
Anyway, thanks for the wonderful medal and the kiss. It is nice to know that the French people think as highly of me as they do Jerry Lewis.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Nancy Pilosi Speaker of the Senate and an incredible diplamat
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Nanny,
First, I want to apologize fo that horrid fax that I sent you last December. Jim and I had just had a big fight about his allowance and I was down in the dumps and I took it out on you. You know that I love you and am very proud of your accomplishments. Especially your trip to Israel and Syria. I hear that you singlehandely brokered a peace agreement. What a diplomat. I'll bet that you were even responsible for the release of the British guys being held in Iran.
It's so wonderful that Democrats are once again running the country. Hilary will be president in 2008 and I'll get to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom again. I can hardly wait. Think of how much fun the three of us can have on a sleepover. You, Hil, and I drinking Crystal and ragging on the men in our lives.
Anyhow to make amends, I'm throwing a big fundraiser at my house for you and the Democratic Party. Here is the invitation.
All the smart and beautiful Hollywood people will be there. I'll be sooo happy to see you again girlfriend.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Senator Barak Obama
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Senator Osama:
Since Nancy Peloti and Hillary Clinton are no longer talking to me I have decided to give you my support. After all as Jim Biden said, you are a clean articulate African-American. I notice that you don't put grease in your hair like Al Sharpton. Personaly, I liked him better when he had the James Brown look.
I can't believe what that Jim Heywood guy from Austria said about you. How dare he talk that way about you! Who does he think he is? It;s not like any Austrians are fighing in Irak alongside our troops, who, by the way, I support, as I'm sure you do as well.
The only problem I have with your latest speech is I think we ought to breing them home now and not wait until march of next year. Where are our Democrats on this? We shoudl cut off funding for this insane and illegal war now. That's why we Democrats won the election. It was a referandum against our illegally elected president who stole the election in Florida in 2000 and in Ohio in 2005. When we bring the troops home we should station them at polling places so the Republicans can't steal any more elections. Had we done that during the last election the Democratic majorities would have been even higher.
I will support you financially and I will even give some concerts to raise money for your campaign. And, if you need aqny advice, I will gladly giove it to you. I have advised many Democrats over the last few years. Just ask around.
Don't let cows like Maureen Dood give you any crap about how your ears stick out. Remember, you are clean and articulate. That's all that counts.
Luv ya,
Babs
From: Barbra Streisand
To: Nancy Poloti
Dear Norma:
WTF is this Christmas Mime you sent me? Don't you realize I'm Jewish? WTF is wrong with you? Here are your answers.
1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? I don't give Christmas presents. I'm Jewish.
2.Real tree or artificial? Tree? I don't put up a Christmas tree. I'm Jewish. I don't put up a Chanukah bush either.
3.When do you put up the tree? What tree? I'm Jewish!
4.When do you take the tree down? Can't take it down when I don't put it up. I'm Jewish!
5.Do you like eggnog? Yeah, if it has booze in it. Lots of booze. How else can I put up with stupid bitches like you? I hope you don't expect me to pay to come to your stupid party. I cna't beleive I worked so hard to get you elected and then you send me this stupid shit.
6.Favorite gift you received as a child? I didn't receive a Christmas gift. I'm Jewish. Dammit! As a Democrat I'm really pissed off that we elected someone as stupid as you to be Speaker of the Senate.
7.Do you have a nativity scene? WTF? I'm Jewish!
8.Hardest person to buy for? You! I'd like to buy you a fucking clue! I'm Jewish!
9.Easiest person to buy for? My husband. here Jim, here's your allowance. This has nothing to do with Christmas. I'm Jewish, you stupid cow!
10.Mail or email Christmas cards? Christmas cards? I'm Jewish!
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? This fucking mime!
12.Favorite Christmas movie? Do they have one about Jews? The Ten Commandments. How about that?
13.When do you start shopping? I'm always shopping.
14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope! I'd like to recycle this bullshit up your ass!
15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? I hope you eat some shit! I'm Jewish!
16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? What fucking tree? I'm Jewish!
17.Favorite Christmas song? How about, Ram It Up Your Ass? I'm Jewish!
18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? I stay home. Why would I want to go anywhere on Christmas? Do you think I would want to mingle with all those common people? Anyway I'm Jewish!
19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Give me a fucking break!
20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. I don't have a fucking tree. I'm Jewish! Do you know what i would like to do with the top of the tree?
21.Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? What presents? I'm Jewish!
22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? Goyem wishing me Merry Christmas! I'm Jewish!
23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? No! I'm Jewish!
24.What would you like for Christmas? You really don't want to know.
Don't expect any campaign contributions form me.
Don't luv ya,
Babs
To:Nancy Peloti
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Nanette:
Girlfriend, you are the best! Woo hoo! You are now going to be Speaker of the Senate. The country is saved! I can hardly wait for you to turn the country around. I'm sure you have already decided on what you are going to do, but I have some suggestions.
1. Impeach Bush! He lied. People died! He is the worst president this country has ever had.
2. Bring our toops home from Iran. They should have never gone there in the first place. Salmon Hussein wasn't doing us any harm.
3. Raise taxes. We rich do not pay our fair share. I've told my tax accountant to make sure I always pay my fair share of taxes and he assures me that I do.
4. Ratify the Coyote Treaty to prevent global warming.
5. Outlaw SUV's (except for some of us important people who need them for our bodyguards.)
6. Ban guns (except for important people's bodyguards)
7. Amnesty for all of the Mexicans in our country. I really want my housekeepers and gardeners to be legal.
8. Raise the minimum wage to $10 an hour. We have too many poor and homeless people and that will fix the problem.
9. Raise taxes on those evil oil companies.
10. Fund embrionic stem cell research so Michael M. Fox will stop shaking and Christopher Reeve can get out of his chair and walk.
11. Try Remsfield for war crimes.
That's just a beginning. There are many more things that we should do now that we're in power.
Have you picked out the drapes for your new office yet. I'd be happy to help you with that.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Clare McClairol
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Carol:
Today, while I'm on my farewell tour, the smear campaign that the Republicans are running has got me so insensed that I had to contact you. As you may be aware, I am a Democrat and I have supported the Democratic Party both financially and intellectially. That's why I am sending this fax expresing my support for your campaign to be the next Senator from Mississippi.
Don't back down on the Michal M. Fox ad. I am a personal friend of Michael and I can attest that he looks like that all the time. That is not an act. In fact, sometimes I get motion sickness from trying to carry on a conversation with him when he's shaking like that.
While on my tour I have been heckled by insane Republicans and even had someone throw vegetables at me. Ann Colter gets pies and I get vegetables. Do they think she's sweeter than me? I have found something that works for hecklers and I thought I might share it with you since I'm sure you get insane Republican hecklers at campaign stops. Simply look at them and yell, "Shut the fuck up!" Beleive me, it really shuts them up. It works!
Could you tell me what all the fuss was about John Kerrey calling soldiers dum? Everyone knows they are. What person in his right mind would actually want to go to Iraq? We're losing thousands of soldiers a month. No intelligent person would want to go there. They're all lower class people and high school dropouts. Why is there so much fuss when a Democrat tells the truth? It's not like Bush who lies everytime he opens his mouth.
So anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm behind you 110% and hope you clobber that guy you are running against. Please let me know if there is anyway I can be of assistance to you and your capaign.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: You Tube
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Your Tube
It has come to my attenmtion that you have a video on your site of me saying to someone, "Shut the fuck up!" I demand that you remove this fucking video imediately or I will have my fucking attornies sue the living fuck out of your fucking company! The last thing I would like is for my billions of fans hearing me use foul language like this. It would hurt my fucking image and I sure as fuck cannot allow that to happen.
So if you will remove that fucking video we can be friends and then I will,
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Dennis Haysbert Speaker of the Senate
From Barbra Streisad
Dear Donnis:
At last! A Republican who believes in the separation of powers! I think it is a disgrace that the office of George Jefferson was raided by the FBI. How dare they! You are right to be outraged as am I. Our Constitution set out the separation of powers between the four branches of our government. How dare the exectuary branch impose their powers on the legistary branch.
It is nice to finally see a Republican who believes in the rule of law. Since you have finally come to your senses maybe now you can start the impeachment proceedings against our unelected president. This insane war against Irack and all the peaceful Muslims must come to an end.
We need to abolish the tax cuts for the rich and enact a windfall profits tax against the oil companies to counteract the price gouging. Everyone knows that there is plenty of oil. Everyone also knows that there is a carburator that allows cars to get 200 miles per gallon but the oil companies bought the patent to keep it from going into production.
I also have some thoughts on immigration. My maid, my chauffer, and yard people are all Mexicans. They have come here for the American dream. If you build a fence, they could not have come. They do the work that I cannot find black people to do. I think they deserve the path to citizenship. I just wish that they could speak more English so they could understand me. We meed a government progran for that.
Finaly, I think that you should so the right thing and resign from your post and let Naomi Pelosi run the Senate. It would reflect the will of th people.
Luv ya (if you were a Democrat),
Babs
To: Barney Fink, Head Gay Guy in the Senate
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Bennie:
First off let me say how disappointed I was that Bareback Mountain didn't win best picture this year. I voted for it as did most of my friends. Can you believe some of those ignorent hicks in the red states were calling it Homo On The Range? We have entirely too much Homophilia in this country. I blame it all on the Republicans and our sorry excuse for a president Goerge Busch. He is so dumb!
But what I am writing about is the arrogence of this admenstration. They have taken us to war by lying about weapons fo mass destrution. This is what happens when one party controls all four branches of government and they are too cowardly to stand up to our dishonest and corrupt president. Any president who misuses the FBI (I bet he has thousands of FBI files) and has the IRS audit his enemies should be impeeched. As I said on my web site.
In the 1970’s, during the Nixon Adminstration, serious political
curruption arose and the Republican leadership stepped up and took
responsibilty by holding hearings and subpoening administration
officials.
(She has since corrected the spelling errors on her site. Remember, this is the person who calls Bush dumb...GOC)
I cannot believe that this dummy is about to turn over eight of our ports to an Arab nation. Doesn't he relize that it was Arabs who attacked us on 9/11. Helen Clinton is on the right side of this issue. Whle I admit we shouldn't offend Arabs in thsi country by racial profiling, which is wrong, we need to hold the Arabs outside of this country responsible. Of course, that doesn't mean we shoud go to war with them or publish offensive cartoons, which would be bad, we just shouldn't do business with them. We have to stop buying their oil which only makes them richer.
Now I know how to conserve energy. I have told all the people around me that they should start drying their clothes outside instead of using all that energy for dryers.
Everyone needs to get rid of those gas guzzling SUV's except for those of us who really need them. I am a star after all.
Congriss needs to pass laws mandating all cars get 50 miles to the gallon. That will help.
And I've talked before about moon power. If we can get power from sunlight, why can't we get power from moonlight?
I will do everything in my power to elect a Democratic Congress and a Democratic Supreme Court and whatever that fourth branch of government is. Then we can impeech Bush.
I'm behind the Democratic Party all the way!
Luv ya,
Babs
To: John Martha, War Hero In Congress
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Congresperson Murder:
How dare they! How dare those evil Republicans question your patriotism. After all you are a highly decorated Marine who has fought in many wars including World War II, Korea, and Viet Nam. I bet you even have more medals than Jim Carey, the highly decorated war hero who would be our president if the Republicans hadn't stolen so many votes in Iowa. I still don't understand why the Democrats didn't demand a recount. I have noticed that everytime there is a recount the Democrats find more votes that the Republicans have hidden from them.
I think you have a real good idea in moving all of our soldiers out of Iraq and sending them to Okinawa. Since Okinawa is in the Red Sea that is close enough to redeploy.
Now, my plan says redeploy to the periphery, to Kuwait, to Okinawa, and if there's a terrorist activity that affects our allies or affects the United States' national security, we can then go back in.
I agree completely. As you know, I am very active in politics and I think I know a thing or three. I've sent faxes to many leaders in the Democratic Party and they are always happy to get my advice, although not all of them respond to me.
I have also dropped my subscription to that right wing rag, the Las Angelos Times. They fired one of their best columnists, Robert Schear, and replaced him with that horrible Jonah Goldwater. He's a Jew and he's a Republican! Everyone knows that Jews should be Democrats. I'm a Jew and I'm a Democrat. He's a traitor to his Jewishness.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm behind you all the way and I hope that you get promoted to a leadership post when the Democrats take over the government next year. Then we can impeach the president and get our troops out of Iraq and into Okinawa.
I support the troops.
Luv ya,
Babs
To:John Conners Democrat from somewhere
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jim:
It is time once again for you to hold another impeachment hearing like you did a few months back. This administration has gone completely over the line and must be stopped at all costs! I posted about this on my website. Besides contributing lots of money to Democrats I have also given a lot of advice to various Democrats via these faxes.
As I said on my site, Busch should have been impeached before the election. Then he couldn't have won and that great war hero, Jim Carrey would have beenour president. He would have pulled all the troops out of Irak the very next day. Why are we there anyway? We have now lost over 2000 men which is more than we lost in Vietnam. We need to stop this madness now.
I also said
Impeachment will be difficult. People must understand the power of Congress. When one party controls both the House and the Senate, they control the agenda. They control what hearings are held, what legislation gets voted on, whether subpoenas are issued and which investigations can take place. And they control whether impeachment proceedings can be brought.
But I remember a few months back when you held impeachment hearings. You need to do it again and get strong progressive leaders like Cynthia McKinley to help you. She stated that Bush knew about 9/11 and let it happen. I believe her.
This is the most corrupt administration in history. Senior leaders of this administration have been indicted and more will follow. If only these people had the ethics and honesty of the previous administration. Bill Clinton will go down in history as one of our greatest presidents. Jeb Bush will go down as the worst.
I am counting on you to begin the impeachment process immediately.
I keep hearing Harry Truman's famous statement ringing in my brain, "I wonder how many times you have to be hit on the head before you find out who's hitting you?" I've been hit on the head so many times lately I know it most be those evil Republicans.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Paul Hackoff, almost congressperson from Iowa
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Phil,
Congratulations! You almost won. Another success for the Democratic Party. We have the Republicans on the run! I do have one question. Why didn't you demand a recount? Don't you realize that the Republicans hide a bunch of votes and those are always Democrat votes? Everytime there is a recount, we always find more Democratic votes. Look how well we did in the Oregon governor election. The Republicans hid more votes than were registered voters, they were all Democratic votes, and after enough recounts and we found them all.
I'm still mad that Carey didn't demand recounts after the 2004 election. I just know the Republicans hid lots of votes that we could have found. If he had demanded enough recounts we could have found those hidden votes and Jeb Bush would not be in office today. He's a disgrace.
And speaking of a disgrace, what about that woman camping out like a homeless person outside of his ranch in Texas? That's terrible. You would think that he could give her better housing to stay in than just a tent. I wonder if Max Cleveland will show up to stay with her?
I think we really have the Republicans on the ropes. I heard that Daily Cosby internet guy has supported 16 candidates and all of them almost won. If we keep almost winning all these elections, we will pretty soon almost take over Congress. I really hope Helen Clinton can almost win the next presidential election. Then we will almost control the entire government. We do have to stop the rabid conservative judges from taking over that Supreme Court thingy, but Senators Shuman, Bidet, and Leaky should take care of that. Happy days are almost here again.
Once again, congratulations on your almost victory.
Luv ya (not almost, but totally),
Babs
To: Joe Bidet Senate Judge
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jim
Now that Sandy O'Connell is retiring from the Supreme Court you need to demand that Jeb Busch appoint someone more in the mainstream. We all know that she was very conservative and as Edwin Kennedy said wants to take us back to the days of back alley abortions and starving children and old people.
I'm really fed up with these mean-spirited fascist Republicans. These nazis are always calling us names. Why can't these hateful, uncaring Republicans be more civil like our leaders Harald Deane and Helen Clinton. He was right when he said they are a bunch of lazy people who have never worked a day in their lives. She was right when she compared Bush to Albert E. Newman. What a moron! We need to be more civilized in our debates, but these evil, spiteful, and hate filled Republicans insist on engaging in childish name calling.
But back to the subject of this fax. We need a judge who is more in tune with the American people. After all the country is primarily Democrat. If not for massive election fraud by the sneaky cheating Republicans our party would be running the government. We just needed a few more recounts in Iowa and Jim Carey would have been elected President instead of that stupid clown George Busch. We know there was massive voting machine fraud by the Dybold company. Had the cheating sneaky Republicans not stolen the election, Christoper Reeves would still be alive and would be walking. Jim Edwards was right.
You need to make sure you, Senator Leaky and all the other Democrats on that judge committee keep any right wing, nazi, fascist Republican extremists off the Supreme Court. You and Charles Schuman need to lead a filibluster against any extremist nominees that those dirty rotten Republicans try to push through the Senate. The future of our country is at stake.
Remember, even though we do not have a majority in Congress, the majority of the people are for us. Edgar Kennedy said so in a speech that is reproduced on my website that he made on June 13.
We as Democrats may be in the minority in Congress, but we speak for the majority of Americans. If we summon the courage and determination to take our stand and state it clearly, I'm convinced the battles that lie ahead will yield our greatest victories.
We just need to convince those stupid people in the red states who voted for those evil barbarous Republicans to vote for us, since we are the civilized party and we really care. We also need to impeach Carl Rove.
Love ya,
Babs
To: John McClane
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jim:
At last we have a Republican we can count on. Thank you for coming up with the compromise to preserve the filibluster. As you know, the filibluster is in the Constitution and those Nazi Republicans were trying to make a naked power grab. It's bad enough that Busch stole the 2000 election. Then he conspired with the company who makes the voting machines to steal the election in Ohio and get a second term. With enough recounts that tall guy with the nice hair would have won.
Why don't you switch parties and become a Democrat. Everything I hear about you says that your beliefs are closer to the Democrats than those fascist Republicans.
I'm just worried that Joe W. Bush will appoint judges that will take us back to the days before civil rights for everyone. If we're not careful, the Republicans will bring back slavery. Everyone knows that it was Abraham Linkon and the Democrats who freed the slaves. If it weren't for Southern Democrats like Senator Richard Byrd and Al what's-his-names father the civil rights that Michael Luther King fought for would have never happened. Republicans filiblustered against civil rights. I know my history.
Anyway thanks for helping out Charles Shuman and Tom Kennedy in their fight to keep extremist judges off the bench. You are a great American. Tell Helen Clinton how much I love her and I'll vote for her in 2007 when she runs for president.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Henry Reed, Speaker of the Senate
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Harvey:
I wasn't going to watch the moron's speach last night, but Jim made me do it. I have to humor him every now and then and let him think that he wears the pants in the family. I mean, I'm an international superstar and he sells transmissions.
I just cannot stand looking at that idiot smirk. It's bad enough that he stole the election in 2000 by 500 votes but then he steals the 2004 election by 90,000 votes. How did you Democrats let that happen?
Can you believe he wants to privatize Social Security? He wants to let people control their own money. How stupid is that? I have accountants manage my money. Average Americans are not smart enough to manage their own money. They proved how dumb they were by voting for Republicans.
What is up with those Iraqis and their blue fingers? Don't they know how to wash their hands? Why are they so proud of being filthy? Even my maid, Conchita, and my gardener, Pedro know how to wash their hands. I'll bet there's a shortage of soap in Iraq. Just another example of how Bush and Renfield have screwed up the war.
He says he wants to do something about immigration. He better not stop Mexicans from coming here. If not for them, I wouldn't have my house cleaned or my grounds taken care of.
And why is he against happy marriage? I think everyone should be happy in marriage but if not, they should be allowed to get a divorce. He's for a constitutional amendment forbidding happy marriage. How dumb is that? Next thing you know he's going to appoint judges who will forbid divorce. I tell you, I'm ready to leave the country.
"We as Democrats may be in the minority in Congress, but we speak for the majority of Americans." (Right off her website. Some of this stuff I can't make up. - GOC)
I'm looking forward to working with you and the rest of the Democrats in the coming months. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.
Luv ya,
Babs
Update: As Greg pointed out in comments the quote above was from a speech given by Ted "Swimmer" Kennedy. Babs posted the speech on her site. It is such liberal blather that I thought it was from Babs.
It's the last Thursday of 2004 so I figgered I would publish another Fax From Babs.
To: Cynthia McKinley, Congressthingie from Alabama
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Sandy:
Hey girlfriend! You're back and I am so pleased. We need more liberals like you in Congress. I am so glad the people of Mississippi sent you back to the Senate. I'm hoping that we can elect more people like you next year in the next elections and we can elect Helen Clinton in three more years.
I've been waiting to hear you speak out about that horrible sununu that happened over in Asia. You took that horrible Busch to task on allowing 9/11 to happen so his buddies at Holiburton could make a lot of money. Now you need to speak up about how stingy our country has been in supplying aid money. All the European countries like France ( $177,00 so far - GOC) are giving lots more money than we are and that's a disgrace. Maybe Mickey More can make a movie about it called Sununu 911. I'd suggest it to him, but he keeps hanging up on me.
I really think the sununu was a result of global warming. All Bush had to do was sign that Tokyo Treaty, like Bill Clinton did, and have the House ratify it and it would have saved all those people in Australia. (When Bill Clinton signed the Kyoto Treaty, the Senate voted against it 98-0 - GOC)
And if we had elected John Carey and that cute Jim Edwards, cripples would walk again. Edwards said that and I know that he would never lie to us like our current unelected president. I know that there was massive voter fraud in Iowa. All we have to do is keep recounting the votes, like they did in the Oregon governor's race and eventually we will win. It takes at least three recounts to overcome the Republican voter fraud.
I'm really worried that there is going to be a draft so we can fight that stupid war in Iran. Everyone knows it is all about oil. It has nothing to do with catching Obama been Loading. If only we didn't have to put up with all those stupid people in the red states who voted for those evil Republicans. Renfield really needs to be fired.
You live in a red state but were still able to get elected so that shows that there are some smart people in Arkansas.
I'm really looking forward to you expressing your opinions. Maybe you can appear on Earl Franklin's show on that liberal radio network. I can't remember the name because I haven't been able to find it in Los Angelos where I live.
Give 'em hell Ms McKinley!
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Jim Carry
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Joe,
The Republicans stole another election! There is no way the people in this country are stupid enough to vote for that moron Busch. It had to be the voting machines. You do know that the Dybold company who makes the machines is run by a Bush supporter don't you?
You were robbed! If the media in this country weren't so conservative they would have been on your side. Instead they supported Jeb W. Bush. We need a liberal news network!
And we know those Fastboat veterans were lying about you. You are a genuine war hero. You even indulged in intelligence work when you took that CIA agent up the Mekong River to Thailand. I remember how you told everyone that it was charred in your brain.
I think another reason that Democrats did so poorly in the election, besides voter fraud and the conservative bias of the news networks (They don't call CNN the Conservative News Network for nothing.) is because they didn't use any of the many ideas that I faxed to members of the Democratic Party the past year.
I really fear for the future of this country. All I can say is that I'm sure Helen Clinton will run for president in 2006 and beat anyone the Republicans run against her.
Best to you and your wife Thelma. And tell that cute little guy who ran with you hello for me.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Joe Edwards
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jimmy
I saw you on television the other night debating that Shiney guy. You won hands down! Not only are you smart but you are really, really handsome. You even have better hair than Jeff Kerry. As eloquent and intelligent as he is, you are even better. I really think you should be leading the ticket, but I know that you will be an incredible assistant president.
That evil baldheaded guy kept trying to bombard us with facts and logic. You told us how evil these guys are and why we should elect you because you really, really care for us and the rest of the world. They are warmongers. You want to create alliances. When you guys get elected you will have no trouble getting France and Germany to sign on and the United Nations to get behind us and help us. I know that's true because you told us so. Then we can end this silly war.
After we get out of Irack, which should happen about three months after the election we can ask the rest of the world to forgive us and do important stuff like stopping global warming by signing the Coyote Treaty. I really don't know what coyotes have to do with global warming, but I'm sure you will be happy to explain it to me when I finally meet you at the inaguration.
Did I mention how smart I think you are? You're handsome too. Who was that fat lady you had taking care of your children? Was your wife unable to come to the debate? I just bet she's a real beauty to snag a nice looking guy like you.
Speaking of global warming and alternate sources of energy I have some other ideas that I've written to other prominent Democrats about. We have solar power right? We make electricity from sunlight. The moon shines right? Why don't we make electricity from moonlight? That way we could still make electricity after dark. Why don't we use starlight too?
I've got a lot of other ideas that I'm sure you will be happy to hear about. I can't wait until after the election when you and that tall guy win.
Luv ya,
Babs
To:Joey Carter
From: Barbra Streisand
Happy 80th Birthday Jerry! And many more. America needs more statesmen like you. You are one of the reasons the Democratic Party is great. It did my heart good to see you honored the way you were at the convention this year. And it was even better seeing you sitting next to that fantastic film maker, Mickey Moore. I've seen his temperature movie at least ten times and the more I see it the more I like it. I just wish he wouldn't hang up on me when I call him on the phone.
Your wife Rosemary must be so proud of you with your winning that Noble Prize. We Democrats are proud of you too. Everyone knows it was your sensitive leadership that won the Cold War. The Olympic boycott brought Russia to its knees. Reagan just happened to be lucky enough to have been in office when the Soviet Union collapsed. And if you were president today we wouldn't be fighting this ridiculous war. You knew how to deal with the Islamic world. They respected your sensitive leadership.
I read your op-ed on the upcoming election in Florida and you are right. Those Republicans can't be trusted and they will try to steal the election just like they did back when Al whatshisname really won. Whatever happened to him? I don't really hear much from him anymore.
I don't understand why Jim Kerry isn't doing so well. He's a genuine war hero running against someone who shirked his duty during Vietnam. I can't understand why Americans would vote for someone who avoided the war over a genuine war hero. I'm glad we don't have any Democrats who did that. When the country calls, Democrats always serve.
I am so looking forward to the debates when our candidate will make Joe Busch look like the moron he really is. Our candidate is tanned and ready. After the debates we will see the polls change and we will roll into victory in the October election.
I have to go now since it's almost time for the argument. John Carey is gonna kick ass.
Luv ya,
Babs
To:Sanator Jack Carey
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jim,
I'm sorry I never congratulated you on winning the nomination for President. I will be proud to have you as my president since you are a genuine war hero unlike Jeb Busch who was AWOL during the Korean War.
I am a devout Democrat and besides raising and donating money, I will be sending you these faxes to offer you my keen political insight. I have been doing this to other prominent Democrats and I'm sure they have told you how much they valued my advice.
First off, let me commend you on how well you are doing as chairman of the 9/11 investigation. How you have time to do that while running for president amazes me. And still, you found time to run off to Idaho and go snowboarding. What an energetic man you must be. I bet your wife loves being married to a macho man like you. I wish Jim had more energy, if you know what I mean.
I have a website where I also post advice for Democrats. It is BarbraStreisand.com. If I forget to send you timely faxes, you can go there for what I think we Democrats must do to throw Bush and his cronies out of office.
Anyway, on my website I debunk the myth that Bush was a hero. Hundreds of people who have left his administration have written books about how incompetent he was. I also have a timeline of all the things he should have known about.
If he would have only kept on more of the people from the Clinton administration like Tenant at the CIA or Menato at the Transport Department, but no, he had to bring in lots of people who were incompetent. We were lucky we didn't have a 9/12 and a 9/13 to go along with 9/11.
As we all know by now, Dick Clarke had all the answers and Clinton listened to him and the cowboy didn't. If only the Republicans hadn't stolen the election we would have had Al whats-his-name as President and he would have kept the important people like Tenant and Menato and 9/11 would have never happened. When will the American people ever learn?
As I said on my website, I feel confident the tide is turning and the American people are finally wising up. I predict a landslide win for you in October. If there is anything I can do to help you please let me know. Expect more of these faxes offering you advice as the year goes on.
By the way, I loved the little daisy thingy on your vest in your snowboard picture.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Max Cleveland
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Marx:
I am outraged! First Sax Champion (And who would name their child after a musical instrument?) impugned your patriotism when he stole your Alabama Senate seat, and now the Republicans are going after Jim Carey, a certified war hero, just like you. How dare they question his patriotism! After all, he has a wooden leg (Here, of course, Babs has mixed him up with Bob Kerrey, former Senator from Nebraska. I'm explaining this for any liberals who might be reading this and won't get the joke - GOC) so he's missing at least one limb. Next thing the Republicans will say is that he doesn't have a leg to stand on, those mean spirited bastards.
I'm sorry, I don't usually use profanity, but those Republicans are really crossing the line. After all, John Carry is a genuine war hero. He killed a whole bunch of gooks Vietnamese civilians, including women and children, and then felt so much remorse he came back and protested against that evil war. Now that's a real hero. No wonder you're going around the country stumping for him.
Did you know that his wife was an African American? I didn't either. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I mean, she could pass for being white. We had our first black president with Bill Clinton (And the only way you could tell that was his kinky hair. Other than that, he looked white.) and now we'll have our first black first lady with his wife, Tonya.
Now we have to find a strong candidate for vice-president. I think you would be a strong candidate since you are a war hero just like him. Did you kill a bunch of Vietnamese civilians too? Jack Keery said everyone did so I guess that includes you. How come you didn't join Vietnam Veterans against the War and throw your medals away? I've got a great campaign slogan: Two guys who gave four limbs for their country. Let's see the Republicans run against that. We have two war heroes against someone who was AWOL from the National Guard.
Another possibility would be Helen Clinton. Did you know that she once tried to join the Marines but they wouldn't take her because her vision was so bad? She would be a strong candidate also. She is braver than Bush or Chainy and is more of a man than either of them. And unlike Bush, she would never lie to the American people.
I'm sorry that that Ann Colter harpie wrote those despicable columns about you. What a bitch. She should be nicer to handicapped disabled handicapable people like you. I'm sorry I don't know what the right word is. It's just like trying to keep up with gay people. They keep changing what you're supposed to call them. At times like these, I'm glad I don't live in San Francisco. It would be very confusing.
I don't have any trouble with my maid Conchita. She's Mexican.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Dennis Kokonuts
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Donnie,
Does it ever bother you that you are named after a breakfast cereal?
But that's not what this fax is about. I watched the debates from Vermont tonight. Well I didn't watch the whole thing because, quite frankly they're rather boring and I had to help Jim rehearse for his latest transmission commercial. I mean what's the point? Bush is a Nazi. What's there to debate about that? As Harold Dean said, we need to go to all those states and we need to take our country back.
Although I agree with a lot of your positions, and I know that before you became a Congressman, you were the mayor of Cinncinnati (and probably a good one) I'm asking you to drop out of the race and throw all of your support to Jimmy Looberman. As you know, he's a Jew and I'm a Jew and I think it is high time that we had a Jew as president. Who would be better at managing the finances of this country than a Jew? And, I really love his wife Madrassa.
I also think it is high time that we had an African-American as vice-president and I think Al Sharpton would be just the man for the job. He's not as cute since he got his hair cut, but he still is an excellent speaker. I'm looking forward to hearing him at the Democratic National Convention. I'm hoping he does real well in the South Georgia primary, or whatever that state is that comes after the Vermont primary. Deen knew all of those states. I can't keep track of them. There are just too many. Don't you just admire the passion of that man. I just loved it when he tossed his coat to that old guy, rolled up his sleeves, and started growling. He reminded me of a white Arsenio Hall.
So anyway Danny, I think that for the good of the party you should drop out like Carol Mostly Brown and Dirk Gotfart, and throw all your support behind Jack Leeberman. He's the only Democrat who could beat Jeb Bush.
Although I think that Joe Edwards guy is kind of cute.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Margaret Allbrite, former Secretary of Foreign Things
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Marion,
You go girl! It's about time someone has the balls to point out how politically craven the Busch administration is. Not only have they already captured Osama Ben Lenin and are waiting for the right political moment to produce him, they've obviously had Sodom Huessein in captivity for quite some time. I believe Joe McDermis of Washington. They were probably keeping him imprisoned in that hole in the ground and that is why he looked so bad. What next? Are we going to find out that there were weapons of mass destruction hidden in Iraq that they didn't tell us about and they've been holding that information back also? I wouldn't put anything past these evil Republicans.
And I'm glad to see that Harold Dean and some other people are now beginning to see that Cynthia McKinney was right. Those of us in the mainstream knew all along that Jeb Bush knew about 9/11 in advance and did nothing about it. It is time to impeach this president! He is a moron and a disgrace! Mickey Moore is right. Even though he won't talk to me anymore, ( And this is why - GOC), I still loved his autobiography, Stupid Fat White Man and the sequel, Dude, Where Are My Feet?
We definitely need for more soldiers to die in Iraq. Maybe then we could get the French, the Germans and the United Nations to join us. The nerve of this president to take us to war with no allies. We have thousands of Americans dying in Iraq and he tells the French, the Germans, and the Russians to go to hell. You and Bill Clinton wouldn't have done that. You would have asked permission from the French before embarking on this quagmire.
Even though I would like to see Helen Clinton or Jimmy Looberman as president, I think Henry Deen will do a good job and I really hope that he gives you your old job back or, even better, he gives it to Jimmy Carter. Now there would be the right person to direct our foreign things. He even won the Noble Prize from Finland. What an incredible diplomat! He could solve the North Korean problem just like he solved it back in 1984. I heard him say that if he had been re-elected, he would have had a "final solution" for Israel. What a shame this fine man was not given another term!
Once again, I am so proud that the Democratic Party has such an intelligent person like you to give advice on things about other countries. You're so much better than that Uncle Tom, Colon Power.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: President of my Fan Club
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Fans:
Not too much to be thankful about this Thanksgiving. The good things:
1. That little tart Rachel Lucas is no longer writing bad things about me and other smart and talented people like Jim Clooney and Mickey More. I won't have to worry about her writing lies about Earl Franklin and his bestselling autobiography Lying Liars. If only I could get that disabled guy in Atlanta to quit making up things about me.
2. Adolph Bush's popularity is declining.
3. Helen Clinton showed that she really cares about the troops by visiting them in Afgonistan.
4. I'm still beautiful.
The bad things:
1. Our Nazi president went to Irak as a publicity stunt. Whereas Heloise Clinton had a serious sitdown Thanksgiving dinner with a small group of army people, Busch pretended he was just a regular guy by actually serving dinners. What a phony! I agree with Jim Lockhart who said, "This is a president who has been unwilling to provide his presence to the families who have suffered but thinks nothing of flying to Baghdad to use the troops there as a prop."
2. CBS gave in to the right wing media and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy by censoring the mini-series that my husband Jim was in and decided to show it on Showtime instead. Jim was crushed! This role was going to be a big break for him. After all, the only work he has had the past few years has been doing those Amway transmission commercials. As an aside, this has affected his sexual performance. I've tried to get him to take those Niagra pills, but he won't do it.
3. The tax cuts that have bankrupted our country. We need to elect as many Democrats as we possibly can so they can raise taxes and create another budget surplus.
4. The California recall where once again the Republicans overturned the results of an election. We now have a foreigner running California intead of real Americans like Grey Davis and Cruise Bustamouth.
5. The war in Irak where we are losing hundreds of men everyday. The carnage simply has to stop. This phony war on terrorism is bankrupting our country and has made the rest of the world hate us. We need to ask the terrorists what they want and give it to them. Then, we can bring the troops home. I know if we can elect enough Democrats that is what will happen.
6. We have too many Democratic candidates running for the nomination. We need to hurry up and decide on our candidates so we can start our campaign aginst our fascist/Nazi president. I think Looberman/Clinton would be a dream ticket.
So, I implore you, wonderful fans, besides buying my CD's , send all the money you can to Democrats so we can take back the country next year. We need higher taxes and we need to bring the troops home. If that happens, and my husband gets a job, I will indeed have a Happy Thanksgiving next year.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Weslie Clerk Big General of the Army
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Weasley,
I want to commend you for taking Harold Dean to task on his statement that he wanted the Democratic Party to be the party of the goobers in pickup trucks with confederate flags on the windows. How disgusting! Those are the people who voted for that Hitler clone George Bush. I swear, if he gets reelected I will leave the country.
I agree with you that we want the dumb people in pickup trucks to vote for Democrats. All they have to do is take the confederate flag off their trucks and they'll be OK. That is what you meant, right? After all, the Democratic Party knows what is best for the people, especially those dumb ones who don't know how to take care of themselves. That's why we are here. We care.
If you can't find a job because of the Bush recession but still want to have a large family, you need to vote for Democrats. We are the party that cares for people. We realize you may be dumb and unable to read or write and therefore cannot get a high paying job, but you still should be able to live the American dream. That is why there is a Democratic Party. We'll take the money from those evil rich Republicans and give it to you.
I'm sorry Willesy that I won't be voting for you since I'm behind Jim Looberman since he's Jewish. If only Bill Clinton would run again. I heard he wasn't running because of something to do with that contstitution thingy. Can't we make an exception this time? After all, he was the greatest president this country has ever seen and he did let me sleep in the Lincoln bedroom.
Since Bill won't run, I would vote for his wife Helen over Joey. Either he or you would make a great vice-president if Hester were president. She's the one who should really be running the country. We don't need a father figure as president. We need a mother figure and what a mother Hattie would make. I can just hear all the Republcans wail about what a mother Heloise was. Look at what a good job she did with her daughter, Cheryl.
And I have a fantastic idea on how we could conteract all the money that Adolph Bush is raising. Why don't we send the Dixie Chicks out on a fundraising tour. They're real popular with the dumb people who drive pickup trucks. I'd offer to do it, but I just don't deal too well with stupid poor people. I can't even talk to my maid, Conchita. I wish she would learn English!
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Les Moonray
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Lennie,
I am outraged! I am almost speechless! This is nothing less than sensorship! I'm talking about your gutless reaction to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy by cancelling The Rayguns. Leroy, you are a gutless coward. As I said on my website,
I am deeply disappointed that CBS, the network that in 1964 gave me complete artistic control in creating television specials, now caved in to right wing Republican pressure to cancel the network broadcast of the movie The Reagans. (And I say MOVIE - because this is NOT a documentary - it's a television drama.) The movie will now be aired on Showtime, where the difference in viewership is in the millions.
That means less people will realize the truth about the Reegans. Everyone knows that Reigan had Al Heimer's disease (And who was Al Heimer and why did they name a disease after him?) throughout his presidency and it was his wife, Naomi, who was really running the country. Everyone called her the Dragon Lady, and this miniseries was finally going to expose the truth about that family.
Ranold was homophobical. He said that he wanted all gays to die of AIDS. He and his wife abused their son and turned him into some sort of pansy ballet dancer. We all saw what they did with Patsy. She was beat by her mother with coat hangars and then she had to pose naked in Playboy.
And the rumor that I spent a lot of time on the set trying to make sure the truth about the Raygan years was told is entirely false. I only spent four hours on the set. It was only the workers who said they felt it was longer. Drudge is making this stuff up.
The Republicans like to glorify Regan while all the time bashing Clinton. Speaking of Clinton, can you imagine what a biopic of Clinton would include? (Actually, that could only be shown on Showtime ... On second thought that would have to be xxx ... GOC)
Once again, as I said on my website:
One can only imagine the kind of pressure that would compel CBS to take such an extraordinary action. This was an organized Republican spin machine at work. Remember the Dixie Chicks controversy? It wasn't the larger general public that called in to radio stations and burned CDs, it was a small group of right wing activists. In fact, now the band is more popular than ever, with a sold out summer tour.
In fact, the Chicks are making a career move and telling all those goobers who used to be their fans to shove it. They're now going to be a rock group. I can hardly wait to hear the electric banjo and to see Natasha Manus in spandex. Look out world!
I've long bemoaned the fact that the Republicans control the media. CBS is a right wing network. Dan Rather is a closet Republican. I am so tired of his right wing bias.
So, Leon, I really wish that you would reconsider and put the Movie, not the documentary, the Raguns, on CBS. This is a 1st Amendment issue. And my husband, who doesn't have much of a career, could really use the exposure.
If you do then, I will
luv ya,
Babs
To: Bob Mullholland chairperson of the California Democratic Party
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Bill:
I am outraged! The Republicans along with the conservative media like the L.A. Times, CNN, ABC, and NBC, have succeeded in stealing another election. Like I said on my website www.barbrastreisand.com
Regardless of what you think about Grey Davis, ( Yes, she spelled it Grey Davis - this is a direct cut and paste from her web site - thanks to many alert readers - GOC) we should all be able to agree that we must now stop this attempted hijacking of the democratic process. Impeaching Clinton ...Florida and the 2000 election ... Redistricting in Texas ... now California... What makes the Right Wing think they can just bully and buy their way into power? If we allow this recall to win, we will be setting a dangerous precedent. In this unfair process, a candidate receiving just 30% of the vote could beat Davis, even if the governor receives 49%. Our governor was elected fair and square just a year ago. He deserves the opportunity to serve out his time in office. So get out there on October 7th and vote no on recall !!!
I'm so glad that I finally got rid of that Wellness Snake in my computer and can finally post stuff on my website again.
Well, Bub, as we now know, Greg was recalled only because 2 million blacks and 4 million Latinos were denied their right to vote. I asked my maid Conchita if she voted, but since she doesn't speak English and I don't speak Spanish I'm not sure if she was deprived of her voting rights or not, but I'm sure she was.
I'm also outraged that we now have that Nazi, Albert Schwratzenigger, as our governor. If Greg was to be redailed out of office Cruise Bustingmouth should have been the one to replace him not a foreigner like that musclebound actor. What is going on here?
I heard that you told Bret Home, on that hideously fascist network, Fax, that you were going to give Alois 100 days and then we were going to have our own recall. Good! I think that is an excellent idea. I'n sure if we just turn out the vote we can get a true American, like Caruso Bustamountain, in office. I mean, what does a movie star know about politics anyway. It's ridiculous that just because someone has made a few movies he thinks he knows what's right for this state.
If there is anything I can do to help the party to overturn this outrage please let me know.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Earl Sharpmen
From: Barbara Sreisand
Dear Edwin,
Before I start, you just have to tell me who does your hair. The guy (or girl) is a genius. I mean it is straight out of the Queer Guy for the Black Dude. I love that show!
I watched the debates from Martin School sponsored by the Congressional Black College and that right wing Fox Network. You go guy! You were da man! What it is! What a great president you would make! Jim and I were coming out with "Amens!" every time you spoke.
I would really like to vote for you and I even told a lot of powerful Democrats that you should receive an extra 400 delegates to "level the playing field", but my heart belongs to Jim Leeberman, since he is Jewish. Why don't you offer to be vice-president?
I also thought that Carol Mostly Brown had a good line about Bush not being elected. If not for the over one million black voters who were prevented from voting in Florida by those Republican Nazis, Al whats-his-name would be president and we would not be so hated by the rest of the world. Al would have fixed all the problems with diplomacy.
Bush messed up what Bill Clinton (the best president this country ever had) and Jimmy Carter had done in North Korea. He really should ask Jimmy Carter to talk to them and fix that problem. Jimmy won a Noble Peace Prize. He knows peace!
If Al had been president after 9/11, like he should have been if Bush hadn't stolen the election, he could have had Jimmy Carter and Jesse Jackson negotiate with Afghanistan for the extradition of bin Laden and we wouldn't still be looking for him.
If Al were president, we wouldn't be having all these problems with Iraq. We would be dealing with the United Nations and they would have taken care of Sodom Hussein and we wouldn't be losing 200 American soldiers a day in Iraq.
I am so looking forward to the next election so we can send the cowboy Bush back to Oklahoma where he belongs.
I wanted to do a recap of the debates on my web site, but I still have that snake in my computer. It even has a name. It is either Mister Blastman or Welshman.
Anyway Alan, I am really looking forward to the next debate. Jim and I just love you to death. Right on, brother!
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Cruise Bustingmontie
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Caruso,
Let me say right off the bat that I am totally against this redial thing that the Republicans are trying to pull off here in California. They stole the 2000 election and now they're trying to steal another one here in California. None of California's problems can be blamed on Greg Davis. It's all Bush's fault.
Now that I've said that, if Gary does lose, I hope that you win. You have done a great job as his secretary and you are a credit to your race. Better we have a Mexican as governor than that nazi Schrawtzenigger. And Ariana Huffington? She's a Greek. We certainly don't want a Greek person as governor.
I do have a few questions. What is this Me Cha Cha organization I keep hearing about? It sounds like a Latin dance organization. I asked my maid Conchita about it but she doesn't speak very good English and didn't appear to understand what I was asking. Some people have told me it was a racist organization, but, as anyone knows, Mexicans aren't racists. Only white Republicans are racists.
And I've also heard that Me Cha Cha has something to do with Assland. What is Assland? Is that some place in Mexico? Is it a separate country? Oh how I wish my servants could speak English so they could explain things to me. But, since I am a strong supporter of multiculturalism, it is wrong of me to expect them to give up their cultural identity and learn the language of the oppressive white people who stole their lands.
I'm still rooting for Green, but in the interest of diversity, I would be willing to donate money to your campaign. Do I give it to you in dollars or pesos? And could you please get back to me on the Me Cha Cha and Assland stuff? As soon as I can get that snake out of my computer, I would like to write something on my web site about it.
Adios Peon (See, I know some Spanish)
Luv ya,
Babs
Another Bad Taste Old Folks picture.
To: Gray Davies
From: Barbra Sreisand
Dear Greg:
I want to post on my website about how stupid this redial thing is we're going through here in California, but my pc still does not work. I've heard that I might have that big shot snake. I've heard of rattlers and cobras but not big shots. And what does a snake have to do with my computer not working? You would think I could hear a snake moving around in my pc. Nope! Nothing in there.
I think you have been a wonderful governor. We just had that one little power problem a few years back but you fixed that and it was nowhere near as bad as what happened back east. I saw a picture on the internet where the entire state of New York was dark. Poor Bill and Helen Clinton. Bill's so sexy I bet he lit a few candles and he and Helen made love by candlelight. Sigh! I get goosebumps just thinking how romantic that must have been.
So California is a little bit in debt. It's because you haven't taxed rich people like me and Roger Reiner enough. I'm just like Bill: I love to pay taxes. And you need to get rid of that 13th Preposition. Californians do not pay enough in property taxes. I'm more than willing to pay my fair share and I know other Hollywood liberals like Ed Assnair feel the same way.
I just don't like the idea of a Nazi like Arnold Shrawtzenigger being the governor of California. Our governor should speak English without an accent, unless, of course, it's a Mexican accent. That's why I'm glad your assistant governor, Cruise can speak Spanish. You were smart to hire him. Someone has to be able to communicate with the Mexicans who do all the work. I sure wish I could. I have a heck of a time talking to my maid Conchita. She just cannot seem to understand why I have to have rose petals in my toilet. Maybe you could send Cruise over to help me explain it to her.
I have to call the pc support people again. They really are friendly and have a great sense of humor. They were laughing as they were explaining the snake thingy to me and then we got disconnected.
Good luck on the redial. I'm rooting for you!
Luv ya,
Babs
Pumpman accused me of cat bombing him. He ain't seen nothing yet. Cat bombing? Nah. Now this is cat bombing! Bombs away!
Of course this came from Barbara.
It's Thursday night and it's time for another Fax From Babs:
To: Terry Macalloff
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Tony:
The Republicans are trying to steal another election! We need to stop this immediately! We need to have Bill and Helen Clinton out here campaigning for Grey Davis. After all, when the power went out in the northeast it stayed on here in California which is proof that that our governer Greg Davis knows more about power than that moron George Bush. And where was Gerald when the power was out? Why he was fundraising. You would think he could stay in the White House and rent out the Lincoln bedroom like Bill did.
And speaking of power, I have suggested to many people my idea of Moon power. We have solar power why can't we have Moon power. The sun shines. So does the Moon. There is no reason why we cannot use those solar thingies to generate power by having the Moon shine on them. Why aren't we doing that?
Look who the Republicans are running. It's Harold Schrawtzinigger. Even his name sounds racist! And his father was a nazi! Like father like son. As a Jew, I'm offended by this nazi running for office. Who does he think he is?
If Gary is going to be voted out of office, I'd much rather have Cruise Bustingmontie elected to replace him. After all, who is a more typical Californian? A nazi or a Mexican? I tried to ask Conchita, my maid about this, but she can't speak English so I cannot talk to her. I thought bi-lingual education was supposed to fix this. Oh that's right. They passed some sort of law to stop bi-lingual education. I guess that's why none of my servants can speak English. Damn Republicans!
Troy, we need to emphasize that we are not taxed enough here in California. I'm certainly willing to pay my fair share. Bill says he smiles when he signs his tax return. I do too. My tax accountant assures me that I am paying more than enough in taxes. My husband, Jim does too.
If Governer Davies needs me to sing at a fundraiser to help him stay in office count me in. I do not want the Republicans and that nazi to win this election.
I'm sorry I have not posted anything on my website in a while, but I keep having problems with my PC. Someone sent me a "wicked screensaver" and not only was I unable to receive it but now nothing seems to work properly on my computer. I'm sure the Republicans are to blame for this.
Luv ya,
Babs
Bad Taste Office Humor Week continues.
I have been spending entirely too much time at Pumpman's site. And speaking of that, he has been on vacation and has had four guest bloggers and I have been one of them. The guys, Kim Crawford and myself were supposed to compete against the girls, Da Goddess and Shell as for who could do the raunchiest posts. I thought I was doin' pretty good with my Roscoe stuff, but Shell is fixin' to beat the crap out of me when she posts her finale.
But the best post of all was done by Kim and it was very nice of him to write this on Pumpman's site. This was a great post and has earned him a spot on my blogroll. Write this shit on your own site, dude. Don't waste it on Pumpman.
Here's another infrequent Fax from Babs.
To: Harald Deen
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Henry:
At last! We finally have a real Democrat who embodies everything our party stands for. I agree with you on all the issues. If I wasn't committed to Jim Looberman, because he's Jewish and so am I and I want to see a Jewish president, you would get my vote.
I see our selected, not elected president, has lied about why we were in Iraq. A president should never, ever lie about anything to the American people. As I said on my website: (Here's the link ... GOC)
The president is our leader, the figurehead of the country, a father figure. Are the “children” supposed to follow his example? Are we in an era of trickle-down immorality, like trickle-down economics? The country sees their leader not telling the truth. These actions send a message that you don’t have to mean what you say, that you don’t have to care about other people, that you can do whatever you have to do or say whatever you have to say to get ahead. Is that the message we want to impart to our children? Is that the culture we want to live in?
This is in direct contrast to our former president, Bill Clinton, who was the best president this country ever had. He never lied and he set a great example for our children.
Haywood, I like your use of the internet. I've been thinking. We should have a liberal internet. They have these wacky right wing blaggers like that tart Rachel Lewis and that disabled guy, Danny something. We need to get our own blaggers on our own internet. We liberals are a lot smarter and of course we care. I know, lets get Allan Gore to set it up for us. He invented it once. He could invent another one for us liberals. Wouldn't that be a good idea?
Gotta go. Jim wants me to help him with playing Ronald Raygun. I told him that all he has to do is act dumb. He's good at that. So am I.
Luv ya,
Babs
But first, Cute Cat for Pumpman Week continues.
Barbra Streisand's cat. He is saying "I am so ashamed to have to live with such a dumb bitch!"
From my spy at Babs' mansion here is the latest output from her amazing fax machine.
To: Bill Clinton
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Bill!
I love you! I adore you! I worship you! I would go down on my knees for you! I wish you were still president. If you ever decide to dump your wife Helen, I'd dump Jim in an instant and would happily marry you.
I see our selected, not elected, president went to Africa last week. You'd think he would want to take along our first black president. And let me tell you, if it weren't for your kinky hair, no one would ever know you were part African-American, unless you're, well, how do I say this, endowed below the waist like I hear black men are.
How's your daughter Shirley doing? I hear she got a high paying job a while back. She must really be smart. I'm glad that she got her hair straightened. She looks less black that way. Now if only she would get a nose job so she would look less Jewish. She must of gotten the nose from Hillary's Jewish step-grandfather.
I'm also disappointed that our fictional president (I just love Mickey Moore, even though he was rude to me when I called him on the phone) didn't take along any prominent African-Americans like Queasy Fumigate, Sheila Jackson Brown, Carol Mostly Brown (She's running for president and I hear she made many trips to Africa and is friends with many African leaders.), Earl Sharpman (Also running for president), James Bond (head of the NAACP), Charlie Ringer (from Harlem), Colonel Owens, and, of course, Reverend Jesse Johnson.
And he also skipped the NAACP Convention. Well, they'll show him! None of them will vote for him in the next election. I see my main man, Jimmie Looberman, along with Dirk Gotfart and Dennis Kuchinwich (who's he?) finally showed up at the NAACP convention. I'm planning on voting for Jimmie, he being Jewish and all. I mean, now that we've had an African-American for president, don't you think it's time to have a Jew?
And since I strongly believe in affirmative action, I've suggested to many other prominent Democrats that we should give Earl Sharpman and Carol Mostly Brown 400 additional delegates to the Democratic Convention to level the playing field. What do you think of that?
Well, gotta go. Jim and I are hopping in the SUV and going to court to sue that nosey bastard who took pictures of my house.
Luv ya (And I REALLY mean that with all my heart),
Babs
To: Carol Mostly Brown
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Carolyn,
You go girl! I just love the fact that we have a sistah ronning for president. You are a credit to your race and I cannot believe that the citizens of Indiana didn't reelect you to the Senate. I myself can't support you for the top spot because, being Jewish, I have to support Jack Looberman. I would really like Bill Clinton (the best president this country ever had) to run again and be president for life, but I hear there is something in the Constitution that says he can't. Darn it. I thought it was a living document. Can't we change it?
Anyway, Karen, I would like to see either you or Al Sharpmen as the vice-presidential candidate and I will be contributing money to both of your campaigns. I will also suggest that to level the playing field, we use affirmative action and give each of you an additional 200 delegates to the Democratic convention. No. That's not enough. Let's make it 400.
I really don't understand Cynthia McKinney who lost her seat to represent the people of Alabama. What does she have against the Jews? As I wrote on my website:
I see people trying to divide the unity of Blacks and Jews, in particular. We can’t allow this to happen, because we have too much in common to be divided. With a shared history of oppression and slavery, as well as a common ingrained culture of social justice, Blacks and Jews, over the years and still today, have been natural allies.
In fact, Blacks and Jews have a long and important history of working together. African-Americans and Jews came together to form the NAACP, the Urban League and to improve education in the South. African-American battalions helped liberate the concentration camps during World War II. One-third of the Civil Rights Movement supporters were Jewish. In Mississippi in 1964, three young men, one African-American and two Jewish, were killed by white extremists on their way to investigate the burning of a black church.
So why do she and her father hate Jews so much? If I could just have her talk to my maid, Shamika ... Oh, wait, I had to let her go. Juanita is now my maid. Maybe I could get her to talk to Danny Glover. Wait. You're Black. Maybe you could talk to her. Tell her that I'm Jewish and I love African-Americans. Some of my best friends are African-Americans. I'm a big supporter of civil rights and I know a lot about civil rights. I've given lots of money to civil rights organizations which makes me an expert.
Finally Cheryl, I've asked many people this question but no one has answered it. Who does Earl Sharpton's hair?
Best of luck in the primaries. You go girl!
Luv ya,
Babs
It's Thursday night and that means another Fax From Babs.
To: Jacques Sheetrock
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Jerque,
I would like to apologize for all the Americans who are badmouthing you and the rest of the noble French people. After all, we owe you a big debt of gratitude for helping us in the Revolutionary War. Who was that guy who came over and helped us? Was it the Marquis de Sade or Voltaire? Whoever it was, he was a big help.
I've always liked France and especially Paris. I'm from New York City and the people who live in Paris are so much like New Yorkers I feel right at home. By the way, what does manjay merde mean?
At least you are an elected, not selected, president. Our president was selected by the Supremes. I don't know why Diana Ross would have selected Bush over Al whats-his-name. And he is such a cowboy!
If only Al whats-his-name, our rightful president, was running the country, we wouldn't be in this quagmire in Iraq. I mean this war has already dragged on for three weeks. How long can our country put up with these massive casualties. I mean 40 people have already been lost. This is worse than Viet Nam. Under Al whats-his-name, we would have been able to use the diplomatic skills of Jimmy Carter. He's admired the world over and has a Noble Peace Prize.
I'm just hoping Bush comes to his senses and starts listening to you and the German guy and we can extricate ourselves from this unwinnable war in Irock. You French are just so much more civilized than most Americans, especially people from Texas.
Hope to see you next time I'm in France for the Canned Film Festival.
Amorez vous (Luv ya),
Babs
One of the easiest things for me to write is a fax from Babs. The only thing easier is a Molly Ivins' fisk since they write themselves. The nice thing about the Babs' faxes is I don't have to worry about spelling, typos, grammar, or logic. In fact, if I have a little buzz on it's even better because that allows me to more effectively emulate Babs' thought processes. So, without further ado, here is another fax from Babs. And Rachel, this one's for you.
To: Mary Capture, A Member of the Home of Congressional Persons
From: Barbra Stresand
Dear Maggie,
I'm outraged at how you and that cute Pammie Murphy, the Senator from Oregon have been treated by those evil, mean spirited Republicans. Senator Murphy said that Osama been Latent was revered throughout the Muslim world for building day care centers. That sure is more than our government has done. If we could only elect Helen Clinton as president I know that she would create government day care centers.
And Meg, I heard that you compared Osamba to our founding fathers and took a lot of heat for that. Darn it! If we could only get a liberal radio network and a liberal television network, we could conteract all this venom spewed by Rush Limburger and all those other right wing lunatics.
I do think your colleague Jack Moron (I bet he had a rough childhood with a name like Moron) went a little too far. He said the Jews were running this war. Well, I know that's false. I'm a Jew and I have nothing to do with this war. No one has called me; not even my friends Tim Dashole, Dork Gotfart and Jim Looberman.
And while I'm on the subject of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, what about all those crazy people on the internet? I'm speaking of that annoying person, Rachel Lucas, who says all those bad things about me, George Looney, and Mickey Moore. You know Mickey don't you? He wrote that autobiography called Supid, Fat, White Man. Mickey and George are both incredibly rude. They both hung up on me. They are both very smart, though, especially Mickey. He told me on our phone call that we're going to wage an unlawful and unprovoked war on a country called Iraq. We are violating international law, and the entire world is going to hate us. And no one in this country wants this war. And Bush was selected, not elected. And Saddam Hussein is more popular than Bush. And the Pope says this war is a sin. And even the Dixie Chicks think this war is wrong and since they're from Texas they're ignorant redneck broads and probably voted for Bush but now they're against him. What is wrong with this country? We should be more like our good friends, the French. I couldn't agree more.
And speaking of the Ditzie Chicks, that brings up what that horrible Rachel Lucas did to Carol Crow. She made fun of something on her internet site.
She didn't like that Chelsea used the word pathos. I wondered about that myself. Wasn't Pathos one of the three musketeers? And there was also Aramis. He was named after the perfume. And Atlas and Dart Canyon. Wait a minute! That was four. Why are they the three musketeers when there were four of them?
Oh well, back to the war. What does Oldsam have to do with Sodomy Hussein? I think the real reason we're fighting this war is to destroy everything in Arock so Bush can give contracts to his buddies in the construction business. It's not all about oil after all.
Anyway, Marti, I am behind you 100% and I respect your right to freedom of speech. You'll have to come see me the next time you're in California.
Gotta go. I have to go pick out the gown I'm going to wear to the Oscars.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: MSNBC
From: Barbra Streisand
I must express my dismay that you cancelled the Paul Donahue Show. How could you people do that? What were you thinking? Since the media is predominantly conservative we need all the mainstream voices in the media that we can find. Paul was one of those people. And, I just adore his wife, Margo.
Jim and I used to watch Paul every night, except when he would have on Nazis like that loudmouth talkshow host from Atlanta, Neil Bartz. And what is going on with that turncoat Dennis Mueller? How can he be from Hollywood and support that selected, not elected, president Jeb W. Bush?
And now I hear that you are giving that terrible lunatic, Michael Brute his own talk show. What is going on? I thought MSNBC was going to go up against that rabid right wing Fox Network. Fox has people on it like Bob O'Reilly who is a raving, rightwing monster? No spin zone my tush! I am outraged!
I'm so glad that we are finally going to have a liberal radio network. I think that Al Franklin will be an excellent talk show host. I think this is an idea whose time has come.
Let me make some suggestions for MSNBC. These are the people you should hire:
Paul Donahue - You did not give him enough time to develop a good following.
Bill Clinton - No one knows more about domestic affairs than Bill.
Robert Nader - No one knows more about consumer affairs than Robert.
Jimmy Carter - No one knows more about foreign policy than Jimmy Carter and he has a Noble Peace Prize to prove it.
Eleanor Smile and Gloria Steinburg - The feminist point of view.
Al what's-his-name, the guy who really won the election - No one knows more than Al about the environment, except maybe me since I give a lot of money to environmental organizations.
Mike Farrell - He's not doing anything right now and probably needs a job.
These are just a few of my suggestions that would help MSNBC rise in the ratings. I've got lots more so give me a call and I'll fax them over to you.
Gotta go. Jim and I are gonna watch that cute Connie Chang.
Luv ya,
Babs
Babs faxes Hillary
To: Hillary Clanton
From: Barbra Streisand
Dear Helen,
First, let me say what a great job you've done with your daughter Cheryl. I saw her in a picture with some dumpy looking blonde. Who was that anywhay? (Courtney Love - GOC) You may want to watch out who she hangs around with. Anyway, Shelley looks so much better since you had her hair straightened, but you really must do something about her nose. Oy vey! A good Jewish family whould have given her a nose job for her high school graduation.
I must let you know that I am supporting Jim Looberman for President. If your husband would run again, and I wish I knew why he won't, I'd support him. As it is, I heard that Coffee Anon is retiring as King of the United Nations and Bill is gonna take over his job. That would make him King of the World, and you would be Queen. But back to Jake. I want him to be president because he is Jewish. When he is president, you could take over his job as the conscious of the Senate.
If John does not get elected in 2004, I'm hoping that you will run in 2006. I know that you will be elected with 95 to 100 per cent of the vote. I just hope the Republican White Shirts don't riot in Florida like they did back in the last election when they stole the election from Al whats-his-name and made Jeb Bush president. I really look forward to sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom again. What a treat it was to sleep in the same bed that Andrew Lincoln slept in!
How do you feel about the upcoming war with Iran? I tried to talk to Jo Jo Clooney about it, but he started talking about sodomy, got very rude, and hung up on me. I think we should give peace a chance and give the inspectors more time. Since you are the smartest woman in the world, I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
I now must get a little personal. Where does your hunky husband get all his sexual energy. You're so beautiful that I know he must be taking care of you every night, but he still has all that sexual energy to chase other women. I'm lucky if Jim and I get it on once a month. I got him some of that Vitagro drug, but it doesn't seem to help. What is your secret?
Well, Heloise, I've prattled on long enough. Let me know when you and the hunk are coming out to Hollywood. I'd love to have you over to the house. We could even hold a fund raiser and I would sing for you.
Luv ya,
Babs
To: Saddam Rushdie. the legally elected ruler of Irack
From: Barbra Streisand
Stan, first let me say that I'm sorry that the Iranians want to kill you because you wrote some stupid book. I mean that was a long time ago. They should get over it, since now you're a Muslim hero standing up to our selected not elected president. You got 99.9% of the vote in your country. In our country, Al what's his name got a majority of the vote, (probably 90 to 95 percent) and our court of the Supremes handed him the election. I still don't know understand why Diana Ross got involved. I tried to read the Constitution so I could understand what was going on, but when I got to that part about promoting generals on welfare, I thought it was getting too silly and quit. I'm hoping that Bill Clintan's wife, Helen, will explain it to me.
Anyway, let me tell you that I agree with Mike Farrell and that cute little Jane
Giraffalo that we would be wrong to start a war with you. Let the inspections work. I can tell that you are cooperating fully with the United Nations. The French are correct in their objections and they are so much more civilized than we crude Americans. After all, they have all those tree lined streets so the Germans can march in the shade. I've even been to France. I was at the Canned Film Festival once.
I'm really sorry we have that dumb cowboy as president. What we really need is someone like Bill Clanton. I don't know why he didn't run again. He was the best president this country ever had. Or we could have had Jimmy Carter. Bill and Jimmy did such a good job with North Korea and now with Busch as president, we're having problems with North Korea again. If Bush were smart he would send Jimmy Carter to talk to the Koreans and Bill to talk to you. I know we could get these problems straightened out. It's all just a misunderstanding.
I'd like to write more, but Martin Sheen just called and wants to talk to me about joining his group, Artists Untied to Win Without War. Now, wouldn't Martin Sheen make a good president?
Luv ya,
Babs
No fair! Dadgummit! I do a piece on bitch slapping Hollywood fkwits (and I fergot to bitch slap Mr Gerbil, Richard Gere), and damned if Ann Coulter doesn't do do a better job and put my puny efforts to shame. I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!
So in an attempt to redeem myself, I'm posting another fax from Babs that my spy in her mansion sent me.
From:Barbra Streisand
To: Nanette Papoose, Minority Speaker of the Congriss
Nichole, I'm really sorry I had to cut my last fax short, but Jim was bugging me to get in the hot tub with him, and quite frankly, I need all the action I can get, and he's not in the mood nearly as much as I would like. I keep telling him to get that Niagra drug, but he says he doesn't need it.
Someone told me that there are two new magazines out and one of them has you on the cover and the other one has that cute Alec Baldwin on the cover. I sent my maid, Conchita, out looking for them, but since she is not too good with English, all she brought back was a National Enquirer and a Star. Have you seen either of those magazines? (Editor's note: The magazines Babs is referring to are here and here. - GOC)
Anyway, I want to finish up my deep thoughts that I posted on my web site. I only did half of them in my last fax. I want to talk about the rest of them in this fax. ( Editor's note: They are here. - GOC)
7. Why now? For 11 years (without attacking the United States) Saddam Hussein has been defying U.N. resolutions, as many countries have. Since writing these questions last September, the international community is now faced with a prime example of this situation, with North Korea defying multilateral nuclear proliferation treaties. The Bush administration’s response has been a policy of containment. Why the double standard? Could this be because North Korea doesn’t have oil? I mean, if this were important, Bill Clinton would have taken care of it. And since we don't seem to worry too much about North Korea, all we have to do is wait until Sadman Hussane gets nuclear weapons and then we won't have to worry about him. But, if we discover oil in North Korea, that will change everything.
8. If we preemptively attack Iraq, will Iraq strike Israel who will then retaliate, leading to the Arab world responding, which will set off the powder keg in the entire Middle East and will disrupt the continuity of some Arab nations Mr. Bush counts among his allies? And what will happen to that quite little Yasir Araphat? He's married to that nice lady Soohoo or Sowhat, or whatever her name is. I know she is a nice lady cause Hillary kissed her after she made some speech about Israeli terrorists poisoning wells. If Hillary likes her she must be OK because Hillary is the smartest woman in the world. She sure is lucky being married to Bill. And she has that cute little daughter Chelsee. And I don't know why they called Bill the first black president. Look at Chelsey. Oy vey! The nose! She's gotta be Jewish, so that makes Bill the first Jewish president, right?
9. Is there really an alliance between Iraq and Al Qaeda, since one society is secular and one is fundamentalist? (I've read that bin Laden had issued a Fatwa calling Hussein an apostate who needs to be destroyed.) Isn't secular a neat word? I'm not really sure what it means, but I heard Phil Donahue use this argument, and, golly, Phil is always right. I just don't understand why no one watches him on TV. And what is a Fatwa? Is it like a wedgie?
10. What is the responsibility of a powerful nation to follow the rule of international law? ... We should be setting an example for the rest of the world. I agree with that cute Woody Harrelson. We should cut our military budget and disarm. We should give peace a chance. As soon as Osamba Been Latent sees that we really mean no harm and we just want to be friends, he will leave us alone. In the words of that poor victim of police brutality Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"
11. Will Hussein give weapons of mass destruction to Al Qaeda? (I’ve read Hussein would be afraid to ... because if Al Qaeda obtained weapons of mass destruction, one of their first targets would be Iraq). And anyway, Hussing doesn't have weapons of mass destruction. If he had, the inspectors would have found them by now. And anyway, France wants to triple the number of weapons inspectors. They still won't find anything. After all, France, Germany and Belgium have told us that we have nothing to worry about.
12. What will be the increased terrorist threat to the United States as a result of going to war with Iraq? After all, al Qayda, might be upset, because they wouldn't get to use the weapons of mass destruction that Samdam gave them on Sadoom, who they don't like and might have to use them on us just to make sure they don't go to waste.
Natalie, I hope my thoughts have helped clarify things for you. Feel free to use any of these next time you get to make a speech in the Senate. I am really happy that you are there to make a difference.
Gotta go! Federal Express is here. I ordered some of those blue Vigrow pills and I think that's them. I'm gonna crush one up and slip it in Jim's wine at dinner. I just might get lucky tonight.
Luv ya,
Babs
While I was on vacation, it's nice to see that Babs' fax machine wasn't. Here's her latest.
From: Barbra Streisand
To: Nancy Palooka, Home Minority Leader
Naomi: You go girl! Finallly we have a woman in a position of authority! I can hardly wait until you become Speaker of the Home. You sure do look a lot better than that Donald Hatshirt fella. And who did your surgery? He did a fantastic job! You don't look a day over 60! I was just thinking. You and Ted Kennedy would make a really cute couple.
But enough of the girl talk. I'm really worried about the upcoming war with Irack and I posted some of these concerns on my web site, myname dot com.
(editors's note: Here is the link - GOC)
1. How many body bags does the military expect to send home to America? I mean, do we even have a body bag industry anymore? Won't we have to get them from South America or somewhere like that? And won't they come from sweatshops?
2. What is the cost of the war in billions of dollars? One advisor to the president estimates the war would cost up to $200 billion, but he was quickly replaced by a more conservative successor. Golly! We should just gove peace a chance. Why don't we offer Sadman Husayne $100 billion dollars to be nice and then we wouldn't have to go to war.
3. Are there estimates for how long American troops would have to stay there? Are they remotely realistic? A lot of knowledgeable people predict a very long and expensive haul. I mean, look how long it took us in Afganastan. We've been there forever!
4. What are the costs in civilian lives and social and environmental destruction (i.e. is Saddam going to burn oil fields again)? As you know, I give a lot of money to environmental causes so that makes me very knowledgeable about the environment, so if Samdam does blow up oil wells, I know I'll have to give a lot more money for that. Maybe Ted Turner can help. He's moving to Florida so he doesn't have to pay state income taxes, so maybe he can donate the money he saves to the environment. I don't understand why he doesn't like to pay taxes. I love it! It's my duty as an American.
5. How much of this war is about oil? I'm sure if we ask real nice Samsam will sell us all the oil we need. We don't need to go to war. And anyway, we should be able to create enough energy using the sun, the wind, and the moon. WE don't need all this oil. That's what Ralph Nadir told me.
6. How much of this war is a vendetta against "the man who tried to kill my dad"? I don't understand this because no one tried to kill my dad, but Michael More told me this so it must be true. Don't you think he should go on a diet? Not my dad, Michael Moore.
Well, Norma, I have a lot of other questions, but it's time for Jim and I to get in the hot tub. I sure hope that you will answer this fax as, for some reason, Dork Gotfart, Tim Dashhole, and Jimmy Looberman haven't replied to the faxes that I sent them.
Luv ya,
Babs
I'm not writing about the State of the Union speech since I'm sure that others will have more cogent analyses than I could write. I would like to just make a few comments.
I don't know if it was just Fox, but when Bush mentioned frivolous lawsuits in regard to health care, the camera zoomed in on Sleazy, (John Edwards), one of the Seven Dwarfs running for the Dimocratic presidential nomination.
Everytime they showed Tom Dasshole he had a big ol' frown on his face.
Hillary looked like crap, but at least this year she pretended to listen better.
But, there was sumpin' much more important than the State of the Union speech. My spy at Barbra Streisand's estate sent me a copy of her latest fax.
To: Senator Tom Dashhole
From: Barbra Streisand
Tim, I just don't understand it. I sent a fax to Dork Gotfart and to Senator Jake Leeberman and neither of them responded to me. As I'm sure you are aware, I give a lot of money to the Democratic Party because I believe in what the party stands for. I have been fascinated by politics ever since Bill Clinton gave me a book written by Jefferson. Was I ever surprised! I didn't know George Jefferson wrote a book. I wonder if Weezey helped him? I haven't gotten past the first page yet, but what I have read so far is fascinating!
Ted, with the sad results of the Republicans taking control of the Senate, I am so glad that you are still there as majority leader. I feel so much better that you decided to remain as majority leader and not run for president as I have decided to throw my support to Jimmy Looberman. We Jews have to stick together, y'know.
I asked John why he was called the 'conscious of the Senate' but, since he didn't reply maybe you could explain it to me. Do a lot of senators sleep and is he in charge of keeping them awake?
Another thing I don't understand is this temporary pro president office that Richard Bird holds. Does that mean that sometimes he's a professional president and other times he's an amateur president? And how does that work? I thought Neil Bush was president.
I'm really concerned about this thing going on with Sadman Hussein. All of my Hollywood friends say that we should give peace a chance. I talked to that cute little Shawn Penn who went to Iraq and he said he didn't see any bad weapons so we shouldn't be talking about war. Why don't we send Jimmy Carter to negotiate? After all, he won that Noble Piece Prize, so I guess that means that some piece of him is noble, right? So Sadham would be negotiating with nobility, which should impress him. Jamie has been successful in every other conflict he's negotiated, right?
So, Tod, one more thing. I'm really upset that Jeb Bush, our selected, not elected, president, has come out against the admissions policy at the University of Michigan. I am all for adding points because someone is African-American. In fact, I think we should do that at the Democratic Convention next year. I think we should give Al Sharpton an additional 200 delegates to level the playing field and right past wrongs. What do you think, Tad?
I really need to find out who does Rev. Al's hair. Do you know?
Luv ya,
Babs
My spy at Barbra Streisand's mansion has managed to purloin another one of her faxes and here it is for your reading pleasure.
From: Barbra Streisand
To: Senator Jim Leebermann
Senator Leibeman, let me tell you how happy I am that you are in the race. I look forward to you being the second Jewish president. Everyone knows that Bill Clinton, besides being the first black president, was also the first Jewish president. After all, Hillary's grandmother married a Jew, and Bill married Hillary, so that has to count for something, right?
And, while, I'm on the subject of Bill, why don't the Democrats run him again? I mean, he could have done a much better job of campaigning than Al what's-his-name. And, why isn't he running in 2004? After all, he's the best president this country has ever had. I just don't understand this.
So, Jake, I hear that you are known as the 'conscious of the Senate". I don't understand what that means, John. Could you explain it to me? Does this mean that you are awake while everyone else is asleep? At least I know that Hillary is wide awake. Why don't you ask her to be your running mate? That would be great to have two Jewish candidates.
Jeremy, are you strong on the environment? I recently sent a fax to Dork Gotfart about that very issue. I confess, I was planning to support him until you tossed your yalmulke into the ring. Since you're Jewish, and I am too, I am now supporting you. I am an expert on the environment and have many interesting ideas, such as Moon power. No one has done any research on Moon power, and I don't know why.
And I want to say that we need to ban SUV's except for special people. For example, my chauffeur says he needs one so he can fit me and my large ego in the car. I keep asking him what ego means in Spanish and all he does is chuckle. Maybe you know what he is talking about. Do you know any Spanish?
So, Joshua, I look forward to supporting you. I'll always be here to provide you with helpful advice.
Gotta go. Jose is bringing the SUV around so me and my ego can go shopping.
Luv ya,
Babs
From: Barbra Streisand
To: Congressman Duke Gapeheart
Congressman Gaphurt, I hope you don't mind if I call you Dirk. Well, Dike, I heard you were running for president and I wanted to offer you my support and some helpful advice.
First, Deke, when you become president, I hope you will do something to repair the damage those nasty Republicans, and that dumbass George Bush, who stole the election, have done to the environment. As you know, I give lots of money to environmental causes which makes me an expert on the environment. What we need to do is sign on to the Kyoto accords. I know that's what Al What's-his-name, you know, the guy who really won the election, would have done. And we need to shut down all the nuclear power plants and all the polluting coal fired plants. We could use solar power and wind power. And what about moon power? Why hasn't anyone thought about that? It shines just like the sun, right? I have all sorts of other energy saving ideas that we can talk about when you let me sleep in the White House.
Next, Dake, we need to understand why the world doesn't like us. We have become a big bad bully and no one likes a bully. I have a lot of friends in Hollywood who are experts on foreign affairs like Ed Asner, Rob Reiner, Mike Farrell, and Sean Penn and they tell me we need to give peace a chance. They tell me that Bush made a big mistake in withdrawing from the ABM treaty. Also they say we're being mean to Saddam Hussein and the Arabs, who only want to be our friends. We need to disarm and then everyone would like us. I was wrong with that Seesar thing about the drums of war stuff, but don't you think Bush is taking this patriotism stuff a little too far?
Dick, we need to raise taxes on the rich. I know that I pay my fair share because my tax accountant tells me I do. We need to make sure those evil Republicans and their evil supporters pay their fair share.
Duck, I realize you will have a lot of things going against you. The Republicans have that far right Fox News Channel and Rush Limbaugh on talk radio. And the regular networks like NBC, CBS, ABC, and CNN all lean to the right. What we need is a liberal network, so we can get our message across to the people. And we need a liberal on talk radio.
Well, Dork, I have lots more ideas and I will send them off to you in a later fax.
Gotta run. I need to make sure my maid has put fresh rose petals in my toilet.
Luv ya,
Babs